35 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Ted (2024)

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It's the introduction to the series, telling the story of how Ted came to be and how, eight years later, nobody gives a sh*t!

Narrator

In 1985, little John Bennett wished on a shooting star that his teddy bear would come to life. Magically, it happened. Ted was an instant, world-wide phenomenon. But now it's 1993 and, like every phenomenon, eventually nobody gives a sh*t.

Nintendo game cartridges were really susceptible to dust. So if you wanted to play a game, you had to blow into the cartridge first. Which is what John and Ted are doing in the opening scene.

Ted

Ah, fu*k. It's not workin'. Let me try something.

John Bennett

You gotta blow on it.

Ted

That's what I'm doin'.

[TED blows into the cartridge]

John Bennett

No, no... you've gotta like really blow on it. Here.

[JOHN blows into the cartridge]

Ted

Wow, you are gonna make some guy very happy someday.

John Bennett

Fu*k off.

Ted

Try it again with eye contact.

John Bennett

Fu*k you, man.

Ted has found himself home alone. As usual. And how does a teddy bear with nothing to do all day keep himself amused? He goes on a porn hunt, of course.

Ted

All right. Another day with the house to myself. What's fun? What's fun? What's fun? What's fun? What's fun? Oh, let's see if we can find where Matty hides his porn.

If you're going to "pleasure yourself", it's best to make sure your best friend isn't in the room. Because if you're not alone, it gets real weird, real fast.

Ted

Hey, Johnny. You awake?

John Bennett

Yeah. I was just jerkin' off.

Ted

What?

John Bennett

Relax. I'm just fu*kin' with ya.

Ted

Holy Jesus. You don't do that when I'm in the room, right?

John Bennett

No. Not... not usually. I mean, if you're asleep...

Ted

Oh, sh*t. That's why I had the Spanish galleon dream.

John Bennett

What?

Ted

I... I had a dream the other night that I was rowing on a Spanish slave ship and the guy on the drums was poundin' faster and faster and so I escaped by jumpin' out a window. And I swam to a desert island and when I came ashore, there you were. Jerkin' off. That's probably why I had that dream.

Lord Byron's poem, "She Walks in Beauty" is beautiful. At least, it's beautiful until Ted goes and screws with it.

Mr. George

Ted.

Ted

Yes?

Mr. George

Can you complete this verse?
She walks in beauty like the night,
of cloudless climes and starry skies,
and all that's best of dark and bright...

Ted

Your wife is fu*king other guys.

Lori Loughlin. She was the star of Full House. And the focus of John Bennett's teenage urges. Allegedly.

Ted

If you don't come with me, I will tell her that your masturbate to network television.

John Bennett

You mother fu*ker.

Ted

I will tell her you watch Full House so you can jerk off to Lori Loughlin but then you can't always predict how long the scene is, so half the time you ejaculate to an establishing shot.

John Bennett

You wouldn't.

Ted

"Oh, Lori. Oh, Lori. Oh, L... oh, fu*k! A tasteful duplex!"

Prepare to have your childhood destroyed. The Care Bears, Paddington... Fozzy? All drug addicts? I'm afraid so.

Ted

Look, I get why you can't give a high school kid pot. But talkin' teddy bears are all good, right? We all take drugs. The fu*kin' Care Bears are all meth addicts, Paddington's on Quaaludes and Fozzy's a coke-head. You know he was in the room when John Belushi died?

I hadn't really thought about it, but Ted is child-sized. And I reckon, not negating his body hair, that would make him a viable target for the clergy.

Ted

Look, do you have any idea what it's like to be the biggest star in the world and then nobody gives a sh*t about you? I'm friggin' Kirk Cameron. I gotta escape my demons and it's either drugs, or the church. You know what they do to guys my size? "Oh please don't make me suck a Deacon's d*ck!"

The conversation turns to the possibility of Blaire selling herself at McDonalds. Cue Ted's seemingly endless food-based puns.

Susan Bennett

Blaire, why in God's name are you dealing drugs at all?

Blaire Bennett

My friend, Sarah and I, we grow it in her apartment and we're using the money to help pay for tuition.

Matty Bennett

What, you can't work in McDonalds?

Blaire Bennett

It's $15K a year, Matty. I'd have to sell myself at McDonalds.

Ted

Oh, you could call it Filet-O-Flesh. Is that something?

Matty Bennett

She won't even work and yet here we are, putting her up out of the goodness of our hearts.

Ted

Egg McFu*kin', maybe?

Blaire Bennett

The goodness of your hearts and a monthly rent cheque.

Ted

A quarter-to-pound-her? I... should I stop? I feel there's no traction here.

For the record, picturing a relative naked is great for deferring a climax but it doesn't work if all you want to do is hold your bladder.

John Bennett

Oh, sh*t.

Ted

Oh, fu*k. Clive two o'clock. He follows you in there... you're a dead man.

John Bennett

This is bad. I really gotta go. You saw me down that Capri-Sun at lunch.

Ted

I know. You were suckin' that straw like it promised you a modelling contract. But Johnny, you gotta hold it.

John Bennett

It's not safe to hold your pee.

Ted

You've gotta do it, man. Just think about baseball.

John Bennett

That's not how it works.

Ted

Think about your dad coming out of the bedroom naked on a weekend.

John Bennett

What the fu*k?

Ted

With his hog hangin' out of his robe wavin' like a bat sleepin' through an earthquake.

John Bennett

Shut the fu*k up, all right? Just follow me in there and stand guard.

Ted

All right.

The 1990s. It was a less enlightened time. A time when school bullies were at liberty to call people "queer" and gut-punch them for absolutely no reason at all.

School Bully

Nice shirt, queer!

[Punches ANDREW in the stomach]

When you go for surgery, you're naked aside from a hospital gown, right? Ever wonder what happens when the anaesthetic kicks in? Well, wonder no more.

Anaesthetist

All right, Mr. Bennet. I need you to count backward from one hundred.

Matty Bennett

One hundred. Ninety-nine. Ninety-eigh...

Anaesthetist

All right. He's out.

Doctor

Okay. Wow! What a weirdo. The guy wanted his niece to come in here with him.

Nurse

Oh, I heard that. That's bizarre.

Doctor

Let's see what he's workin' with here.

[The DOCTOR pulls back the sheet to reveal MATTY'S genitals and the entire medical team, scream in disbelief]

Oh my God!

Nurse

Would you look at that? Hair on the tip. That's a new one.

Doctor

His poor wife.

Nurse

I was just thinking that.

Anaesthetist

Guys, I've gotta be honest. This is sexual for me.

War. It's a terrible thing and it makes ordinary people do terrible things. But not this. No. This is just weird.

Susan Bennett

What secret? What is she talking about?

Matty Bennett

Forget it, Susan.

Blaire Bennett

No, Matty, this is insane. You have to talk about it and move on, because I am not fu*king doing that again in five years.

Matty Bennett

Just drop it!

Blaire Bennett

What'd you do? Desert your platoon? Go AWOL? Did you accidentally shoot Bob Hope? What?

Matty Bennett

I wish. I could live with that.

Susan Bennett

Whatever it is, I'm sure we'll understand.

Matty Bennett

No, you won't. This was war.

Blaire Bennett

For Christ's sake, Matty, we're your family. Just fu*king tell us.

Matty Bennett

I jacked off a dog!

Ted and John want porn. But they're not old enough to get served at the video store. So Blaire steps in. And teaches them a lesson in culture into the bargain.

Blaire Bennett

Are you saying you don't like the film?

Ted

No! No. There's no sex at all in this movie. Just Ennui.

Blaire Bennett

I did you a favour.

John Bennett

No. We want to look at genitals.

Blaire Bennett

Trust me. It's overrated.

John Bennett

Wait, what do you mean? You watch porn?

Blaire Bennett

Uh, no. But a guy from my school did mail me a photo of his d*ck last semester.

Ted

Oh.

Blaire Bennett

Even shot it in sepia tone.

John Bennett

Wait, so it was all old-timey?

Blaire Bennett

Yeah.

Ted

Like, "this penis is a Dust Bowl orphan"?

Blaire Bennett

You want the kicker? It was flaccid.

John Bennett

Wait, so he didn't even do the work?

Blaire Bennett

Nope. Just a flaccid d*ck with a fancy filter.

Here are eleven words I've never said in the order in which they appear.

Ted

All right. Let's get some sleep. We jerk at first light.

Watching porn is not a group activity. Okay? If you're going to watch a porno, it's best to do it alone. Because it's a tragic, pointless and soul-destroying experience at the end of the day.

Ted

All right. Here we go. Porno time, porno time, porno, porno, porno time. Porno time!

John Bennett

All right. Let's put one in.

Ted

Yeah, all right. Wait, hang on a second. Before we start, we've gotta have some ground-rules.

John Bennett

What do you mean?

Ted

Well like... like, where are you sitting?

John Bennett

On the couch.

Ted

Oh, no no no. I don't want you in my eyeline.

John Bennett

Okay, we could, like build a divider or something... like, a pillow fort.

Ted

Yeah, I don't... maybe we could watch alone, like in shifts.

John Bennett

Yeah, I don't wanna watch porn alone. That feels tragic.

Ted

All right, then we'll watch it together.

John Bennett

Yeah, well that feels creepy.

Ted

John, we're watching porn. It's either going to be creepy or tragic. Those are the choices.

John Bennett

All right. Let's go with creepy. Which one are we starting with?

For the record, and for the avoidance of any doubt, it's pretty unlikely that your deceased relatives are looking down on you from heaven whilst you masturbate.

Ted

You sure that's gonna work?

John Bennett

Yeah, I don't know. All I'm thinking about right now is my dead relatives.

Ted

Why?

John Bennett

Well, Father White once said that if you ever masturbate, then all your dead relatives are up in heaven watching you.

Ted

How is that heaven?

John Bennett

Boy, you know that is a great point.

Ted

I mean, are they up there like,
"Hey, do you wanna go to Abe Lincoln's house?"
"Nah, I'd like to, but my nephew's gonna jerk off so I've gotta go watch that."

I'm pretty sure that all of us have either farted or talked in our sleep, but Matty seems to be able to fart and then blame it on someone else in his sleep. Now that's talent.

Matty Bennett

[Farts whilst asleep]

Hey! Knock it off.

[Returns to snoring]

Ted's mom is an eleven-year-old sweat-shop worker in China who's never had a vegetable. Like the parents of most stuffed toys, I guess.

Blaire Bennett

I took the heat when Aunt Suze found the porno you guys rented.

Ted

What do I care? She's not my mom. My mom's an eleven-year-old kid in China with arthritis.

John Bennett

How do you know that?

Ted

'Cause she sowed a note in my leg that says she's never had a vegetable.

Blaire has a point. Ted is always naked. He doesn't wear clothes. And he doesn't have any bear parts, either. But don't let that ruin a good joke!

Ted

Jesus Christ, Blaire. What the fu*k?

Blaire Bennett

Well?

Ted

What the fu*k is wrong with you? I'm naked!

Blaire Bennett

You're always naked.

Ted

Yeah, but I'm bathroom naked. I'm washing my bear parts. Get lost.

Ted is wasted. Totally wasted. Which is why his imagination went to this when discussing a prisoner on death row's choice of last meal. I mean... I have questions.

Ted

I love salad. See, I knew you were lying. Nobody loves salad.

Blaire Bennett

I do. Yeah, I really love salad.

Ted

Not one person on this planet loves salad.

Blaire Bennett

I do.

Ted

You're on death row. Your last meal. You can have a steak or a salad.

Blaire Bennett

I'm gonna choose salad.

Ted

Fu*k you, you're getting a steak! After what you did to that family. The baby's ear was on the ceiling. I've been doin' this job twenty years, I've never seen anything so horrible.

Blaire Bennett

What?!

Ted

Oh Christ, I'm fu*ked up. Yeah, it's good you're driving.

How does Ted know what Dustin Hoffmann's balls taste like? I mean, as similes go, this is an odd choice. Comical, yes. But odd nonetheless.

Ted

I'm guessing this is the first time he's seen you dressed like this as opposed to your usual fashion which is basically Melissa Etheridge in a flea market.

Blaire Bennett

I know when I'm being hit on, okay? I have seven uncles.

Ted

You know what else? I'm just gonna say it. That salad tastes like Dustin Hoffmann's balls.

Susan has invited the son of a friend over to keep John company. This is NOT the son of her friend. It's some creepy middle-aged guy who draws porn.

Middle-Aged Guy

You wanna look at some porn?

John Bennett

You got porn?

Middle-Aged Guy

Fu*k yeah, I got porn! Here, check this out...

[He hands JOHN an artists sketch pad filled with pornographic pencil drawings]

John Bennett

These are drawings.

Middle-Aged Guy

Yeah.

John Bennett

This is... this is porn that you drew.

Middle-Aged Guy

Yeah. My mom won't let me look at the real stuff because of cigarette ads, so...

John Bennett

What... why are they all...

Middle-Aged Guy

Oh, I... I can't do hands.

John Bennett

Oh, so...

Middle-Aged Guy

You know what the weirdest part is, man? Now, when a girl has hands, I hate it.

John Bennett

Is that Winona Ryder fu*king Lion-o?

Middle-Aged Guy

That is Winona Ryder fu*king... yeah. I gave her a tonne of bush. I doubt she has that much bush in real life. But... that's the beauty of art, right? It can be anything we imagine it to be.

John Bennett

His.. d*ck is... a sword.

Middle-Aged Guy

You'll never guess what his sword is.

John Bennett

Is it a d*ck?

Middle-Aged Guy

A d*ck.

John Bennett

Yeah.

Middle-Aged Guy

It's a d*ck.

Throwing eggs at trick or treaters from the roof is John's favourite Halloween activity. And there are rich pickings to be had tonight.

John Bennett

Hey, nice robot costume. Those the boxes your dad used to move out?

[JOHN launches an ostrich egg from the roof, hitting the kid]

Hey, who are you? The dork knight?

Kid

I'm Batman.

[JOHN hits the kid with an ostrich egg]

Ow! What the fu*k, you a**hole.

John Bennett

Hey, hey! Who you supposed to be?

Kid

Olympic figure-skater Scott Hamiltion.

John Bennett

Oh man, you're gonna have enough trouble. Keep moving.

Can this be true? The Monster Mash is a song based on a dance which is based on a song which is not this song. That's all kinds of head-fu*k.

Ted

Ready to get mind-fu*ked?

John Bennett

Give it to me.

Ted

The song The Monster Mash is a song about a dance called The Monster Mash which is based on a song called The Monster Mash which is not the song The Monster Mash.

John Bennett

Holy sh*t!

Ted

Yeah.

John Bennett

I don't wanna be high any more.

Matty's military career is something of a mystery. I mean, besides jacking off a dog and being discharged from the army, we don't know a whole lot about his service.

Matty Bennett

Susan. Am I an a**hole?

Susan Bennett

Oh, of course not, Matty. You're a veteran.

Matty Bennett

See? You think they'd send an a**hole to Vietnam?

Blaire Bennett

Weren't you dishonourably discharged?

Matty Bennett

No. I wasn't dishonourably discharged or honourably discharged.

Blaire Bennett

How the hell does that work?

Matty Bennett

Just exactly like I just said.

Ted

So, the army basically said, "It's not you. It's us."?

Matty Bennett

That's right.

Ted

"We're not sure we're ready to have anybody in the army right now."

Matty Bennett

More or less.

Ted

"The army just wants to focus on the army for a while."

Well, this got real awkward real quickly. Telling Mr. George to chill out about a joke has evoked a seriously creepy and uncomfortable reaction.

Mr. George

I'd love to "chill out", Erin. I really would. But you know what? Life has other plans for me. My wife says he makes eye contact with her when they make love. With me, it's either eye contact or an erection. You have to choose one. And silly me, I thought the right choice was the erection. Well, I had a 50:50 shot, didn't I? Turns out, she wants eye contact. And now that I've moved backed in with mother, I have to masturbate into the toilet because my bed squeaks. 'Course, if you ask my ex-wife, the toilet is where Mr. George's sperm belongs. Now there's a joke, Erin. Ha ha ha ha haaaa!

Principal

Mr. George! Can we have a talk in my office?

Matty seems to have accidentally quoted Bryan Adams. Twice. And Ted and John simply can't let that kind of fu*kery pass.

Matty Bennett

Everything I do, I do it for you.

Ted

What, so you're saying you can't tell me it's not worth trying for?

Matty Bennett

Exactly.

John Bennett

Like, I can't help it. There's nothing I want more.

Matty Bennett

See? You know it's true.

Ted

Oh my God!

John Bennett

Holy fu*king sh*t! I can't believe he said it.

Ted

That was amazing.

Erin might be a b**ch but she can't hold a candle to Ted's level of insults. He's the king of the put-down.

Ted

Hey, uh... Erin? Hi. Ted. We've never officially talked but I know your work. Listen, I think Susan's doing a terrific job, so I figured this is a good time to tell ya, we all know about the nose-job you had last year. You didn't fool anybody because we all remember before the surgery when you tried to kiss Danny Santucci and poked his eye out. Also, and everybody in town knows this except you, your dad is really your uncle. Which might have accidentally fu*ked you up and caused your eating disorder which is also no secret because everybody's heard you throwing up in the bathroom. And also, I recently found out that you're a virgin, which is interesting because you've been lying about that, too. So, I hope you do give your boyfriend fellatio because at least then there's something going down your throat besides your finger. That about cover it?

Don't ask why but Ted and John are reading passages from the bible. And not all of them have aged well.

John Bennett

"And behold! I come quickly. And my reward is with me to give -"

Ted

Wh... what was that first part?

John Bennett

Uh, "Behold! I come quickly."

Ted

Jesus said that?

John Bennett

Yeah.

Ted

Yeah that's... that's not the kind of thing I'd start with behold.

Is the measure of learning whether or not you can describe someone's fart as "pungent"? I guess not.

Matty Bennett

It's good that you're here. For John.

Blaire Bennett

Sure.

Matty Bennett

The other day, I farted and he said it was pungent. And, I... I guess that's a word. So he's... he's learning stuff. With you around.

Sex Education. It's awkward, but with Ted in the classroom, it's also p*ss-your-pants funny. As you're about to find out.

Teacher

To avoid sexually-transmitted disease, it is important to practice safe sex. Now, who can tell me what the safest sex of all is? No-one? Masturbation.

Ted

Hey, if you're gonna assign homework, Johnny already did it this morning.

John Bennett

Shut the fu*k up, dude!

Ted

He's due an extra credit.

John Bennett

Quiet!

Teacher

STOP IT!

Ted

Oop!

Hmm. Not sure this is anywhere near the appropriate scale for comedy. But it's funny, which is why we're including it. So there.

John Bennett

I've never had sex. Never had a girlfriend. Fu*k, I've never even kissed anybody.

Ted

You kissed Michael Dukakis at that parade when you were nine.

John Bennett

Yeah, that doesn't count. He kissed me.

Ted

It was passionate enough that they ran it in the paper!

Susan and Matty are giving a very belated "birds and bees" talk to John. Susan plays softly-softly. Matty goes for the jugular.

Susan Bennett

John. Sometimes when two grown-ups are married and they're in bed and it's night-time, they get a funny feeling in their bathing suit areas.

Matty Bennett

Jesus Christ, Susan. It's like this, John. Men and women have different parts and those parts fit together like a piston in a cylinder. Just give the motor a minute to warm up. If you gun it, you're gonna blow a gasket, seize up and you're looking at a minimum a grand for a new engine block. That's sex. Fu*k me!

Homeless Joe. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want this as his epitaph. I'm not sure that anybody would want this as their epitaph.

Ted

Well, it's just like Homeless Joe said, "Be careful what you wish... aargh! My heart!" Yeah. He died.