13 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of The Inbetweeners (2008)

PLAY ALL 40 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

The boys are deliberating over going to the pub even though they're underage.

Simon

If we don't get served, I will be humiliated in front of the girl I've lusted after since she was eight.

Neil

You fancy eight-year-olds?

Simon

No Neil. Our families were friends. We were both eight.

Neil

Yeah but you still fancied an eight-year-old.

Jay

Come on. I've got I.D. We'll be fine. You coming then, new boy?

Will

I do have a name.

Jay

Sorry. You coming then, Briefcase Mong?

It's Will's first day at Rudge Park Comprehensive and the sadistic Mr. Gilbert has forced him to wear a name badge, much to the amusement of his peers and subordinates.

Schoolboy

Ooh, I'm Will.

Will

Yep. Thanks very much.

Schoolboy

Ooh, hello Will!

Will

Yes. Very nice. Thank you.

Schoolboy

Nice badge, d*ckhead.

Will

Lovely. Fantastic. You must be what... year eight?

Schoolboy

Ooh, I'm Will. I've got a spakka badge.

Will

Spakka? Super. That's not even on the badge, so...

Schoolboy

Briefcase wa*ker.

Will

A baggage-themed insult. Thanks, Mum. Thanks a bunch.

The boys have bunked off school and spent the day drinking at Neil's house. They're discovered by Neil's father. Sadly, Will's drinking has lowered his inhibitions.

Kevin Sutherland

Jay, there is always trouble when you're around but Will, I'm especially surprised at you. I'm so sorry, Steve.

Will

Oh, p*ss off!

Kevin Sutherland

What? Don't talk to me like that in my own house.

Will

Oh, I'm so sorry. My manners. P*ss off... please!

Kevin Sutherland

I've had enough of your lip.

Will

Oh you'd like my lip, wouldn't you? Right round your bell-end. If Mister Chippy doesn't get there first. What's he going to knock up? A closet for you to hide in? You... bum-der!

Will

Oh you'd like my lip, wouldn't you? Right round your bell-end. If Mister Chippy doesn't get there first. What's he going to knock up? A closet for you to hide in? You... bum-der!

Will has managed to procure some alcohol from a local off-licence. Much to the despair of the others, he's procured Drambuie and an inordinate amount of crisps.

Jay

What the fu*k's this?

Will

Drambuie?

Neil

What's Drambuie?

Will

Sort of a whisky-based liqueur?

Neil

What's a liqueur?

Jay

It's what benders drink.

Neil

Well, why have we got that, then?

Simon

'Cos we're heading back to yours and it's your Dad's favourite drink?

Neil

Oi, my Dad's not bent.

Simon

He is a bit, though.

Neil

He's fu*king NOT!

Jay

Right. Let's look at the evidence. One, your Mum left him because he LOVES c*ck.

Neil

That's not true. She was in a difficult place.

Will

In bed with a bender. Your Dad. Who is a bender.

Jay

Two, he wears tight denim shorts to do the gardening.

Simon

And the only night he goes out all week is Wednesday. And that's to play Badminton.

It's a typical conversation between Will and Jay whilst the others look on in abject amusement.

Will

People don't get fingered for a bet, Jay. With the possible exception of your sister.

Jay

Take that back.

Will

Actually, I do take it back. Your Mum on the other hand... she'd probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits!

Jay reassures Will that alcohol is the answer to attracting women in his own unique style.

Jay

Right. Vodka, whisky and a load of crème-de-menthe. When she sees you after this she'll be frothing at the gash.

Jay has once again overestimated the allure of he and his friends to members of the opposite sex.

Neil

Right. So what's the plan?

Jay

We don't need a plan. We go in there, buy some drinks and then wait for the gash to form an orderly queue.

Will

Sorry. Did he actually say 'gash'?

Simon is taking his driving test and suddenly the boys can make plans beyond their wildest dreams.

Will

This is perfect. Simon passes his test, drives us to Thorpe Park, Neil gets us freebies and I get to ride -

Jay

A man's c*ck in the bushes?

Will

- Nemesis Inferno.

Simon is having a driving lesson observed (with great amusement) by the other four lads.

Driving Instructor

Little bit more...

Simon

I'm just not great at parallel parking.

[He stalls the car]

Bollocks.

[The other lads are watching this spectacle with great amusement]

Shut up!

Jay

[Pretending to speak on the phone]

Si, it's me Nan. She wants to know if you want some help parking.

Driving Instructor

Steady on, boys. It's not easy for Simon. Okay, let's try again.

[SIMON re-starts the engine and promptly reverses into the parked car behind]

Simon

Ohhhh... sh*t!

Driving Instructor

Um, right, um... okay, off we go. Simon, into first.

Simon

Shouldn't you leave a note?

Driving Instructor

No. We're driving off. Quickly now. Drive. Drive!

The boys are at a house party when a man suddenly bids farewell to Jay and the mockery starts.

Jay's Friend

Jay? I'm off mate. See you soon.

Jay

Aright then, mate.

Simon

Who was that?

Jay

Just a friend.

Neil

You made a new friend?

Will

Ooh, a friend? Since when have you had other friends? Ooh, friend!

Jay

I knew him from when we was doing trials at West Ham. He's moved into the area. He's just some guy.

Will

Some guy?

Simon

Oh, he's just some guy.

Will

Oh, he's just some guy. That's all it is.

Simon

Just a friend from when Jay had trials at West Ham that never happened.

Will

Don't forget the thumbs-up.

Neil

Ooh, friend.

[The mockery continues]

Following an altercation in the sixth-form lounge with Donovan, McKenzie has been tied to a chair with a dustbin upturned over his head. He's found in this predicament by Mr. Gilbert.

Mr. Gilbert

Cooper? Sutherland? Cartwright? And who have we under here?

Will

McKenzie, Sir.

Mr. Gilbert

And let me guess. No-one saw how this happened. I suppose you tripped.

Will

No, Sir. What happened, Sir -

Mr. Gilbert

Sorry, McKenzie. You're not about to grass are you?

Will

Sir?

Mr. Gilbert

If there's one thing no-one likes, it's a grass. So I will ask you how this happened and you will reply 'I tripped.'

Will

But, Sir... if no-one reported crimes, the justice system would collapse.

Mr. Gilbert

I'll ask you again. How did this happen?

Will

I tripped.

Mr. Gilbert

[Tuts] Clumsy.

The boys have descended on a caravan park which Jay has promised them is a hotbed of sexual promiscuity. Their stay starts with a meal in the cramped caravan of Jay's parents.

Mrs. Cartwright

There you go, boys. Some lovely salad to go with your sausages.

Will

Thanks, Mrs. Cartwright.

Mrs. Cartwright

It's my pleasure.

[Some un-Godly noises are coming from the toilet of the caravan, the source of which is clearly TERRY CARTWRIGHT taking a sh*t]

Will

This is really delicious, Mrs. Cartwright.

Neil

Cool, crisps! Have you got any ketchup?

[The flush is heard and the toilet door opens, unleashing a deeply unpleasant and acrid smell into the caravan]

Will

Jesus Christ. My eyes are burning!

Terry

All right, boys?

On their way home from a disastrous camping trip, the realisation dawns that Neil has had sex on the back seat of Simon's car and left… evidence of this fact behind.

Jay

Who was she, then?

Neil

Some sort of punky red-head. She was nice.

Will

She was mine! Oh, God.

Simon

Oh, sh*t. We can't stay here.

Jay

Well I'm not getting back in the Spunkmobile.

Simon

Clean it up, Neil.

Neil

Why?

Simon

Because you have spunked on my seats!