12 MP3 Audio clips from Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad (1988)

PLAY ALL 12 CLIPS

Clip 1

Frank has received word that the love of his life has run off with another man. In times of such crises, he turns to his friend and colleague, Ed for help.

Ed

Don't torture yourself, Frank. Just put her out of your mind.

Frank

Well, I can't get her out of my mind. What about the guy? You know anything about him?

Ed

Not much. Just that he's an Olympic gymnast and it's the best sex she's ever had.

[FRANK selects reverse instead of drive and collides with a train of luggage trucks behind him]

Clip 2

I'm not great at maths but if there's only a ten percent chance of a fifty percent chance, surely Nordberg's chances of survival are, in fact, five percent?

Frank

What about Nordberg? I came as soon as I heard.

Ed

He's alive, Frank though he's on life-support. Doctors say he's got a fifty-fifty chance of living. Though there's only a ten percent chance of that.

Clip 3

Frank and Ed are visiting their fallen colleague, Nordberg in hospital. Frank is failing to reassure and comfort his wife.

Wilma

[Crying]

Oh, oh my poor Nordberg. Oh, he was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who... who would do such a thing?

Ed

Well, it's hard to tell.

Frank

Could be a roving gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover.

[WILMA breaks down again]

Ed

Frank, get a hold of yourself.

Frank

A good cop, needlessly cut down and ambushed by some cowardly hoodlums.

Ed

That's no way for a man to die.

Frank

Yeah, you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine. Having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I want to go.

Wilma

[Breaks down yet again]

Oh, Frank. This is terrible.

Ed

Don't you worry, Wilma. Your husband is going to be all right. Don't you worry about anything. Just... think... positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.

Frank

He's right, Wilma. But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards.

[Not surprisingly, this sets WILMA off again]

Ed

What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad.

Frank

Unless he's a drooling vegetable, but I think that's only common sense.

[WILMA breaks down]

Clip 4

Jane has climbed a ladder to fetch some paperwork from an attic space. Frank is looking up.

Frank

Nice beaver!

Jane

Thank you.

[Unexpectedly, she passes a stuffed and mounted beaver down to FRANK]

I just had it stuffed.

Frank

Let me help you with that.

Clip 5

Are we still talking about the negligent discharge of a service weapon or the premature discharge of his... you know?

Jane

I've heard police work is dangerous.

Frank

It is. That's why I carry a big gun.

Jane

Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?

Frank

I used to have that problem.

Jane

And what did you do about it?

Frank

I just think about baseball.

Clip 6

Ted is to Frank Drebin what Q is to James Bond. A mad scientist working in a secret laboratory. And these are his latest invention.

Ted

You see these cufflinks I'm wearing? Well they're not just cufflinks. Each one fires a single pin-sized dart that knocks out your victim for a few minutes but does no permanent damage. Here. Let me demonstrate on Ed.

Ed

Huh?

[TED fires the dart into ED'S neck. He grasps at the injury site]

Ted... why?...

[He collapses to the floor violently]

Clip 7

Jane has cooked a meal for Frank and they're sitting at a floor table by candlelight to eat it. Romantic music, muted conversation, sexual tension...

Frank

Mmmm, interesting. Almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today.

Jane

I was young. I needed the work.

Frank

No, no. They were taken down at Ludwig's docks. A ship came in, a Panamanian ship. Wasn't on Ludwig's records...

Clip 8

Frank and Jane have been on their first date. It's been wonderful. And now it's time to bid each other goodnight. Well, unless Frank picks up what Jane is laying down...

Jane

I had a wonderful day, Frank. I can't believe we just met yesterday.

Frank

You really mean that, Jane? You're not just saying it because we exchanged bodily fluids?

Jane

Oh, no I really mean it. You're very special. Can I interest you in a "night-cap"?

Frank

No thank you. I don't wear them.

Clip 9

Frank and Ed have been summoned to see the Mayor after a disastrous stake-out resulted in thousands of dollars worth of damage and a distraught female resident.

Mayor

Destroying property, arson... sexual assault with a concrete dildo? What the hell were you doing there in the first place?

Frank

Yes, yes I know. I'm sorry about that, Your Honour but we have reason to believe that Vincent Ludwig is involved in a plot to assassinate the Queen.

Clip 10

The meeting may be over but the Mayor has some final words for Frank. A warning about not letting his impulses get the better of him. To be careful.

Mayor

Oh, Drebin. I don't want any more trouble like you had last year on the South Side. Understand? That's my policy.

Frank

Yes, well when I see five weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards. That's MY policy.

Mayor

That was a Shakespeare in the Park production of Julius Caesar, you moron!

Clip 11

Frank has been lured to a packaging plant on the pretence of meeting with Vincent Ludwig. Instead, the only person waiting for him is a henchman with a gun.

Henchman

DREBIN!

Frank

Yeah, I'm Drebin.

Henchman

I have a message for you from Vincent Ludwig...

[The HENCHMAN begins to fire indiscriminately in FRANK'S direction]

Take that, you...

Frank

I'm sorry. I can't hear you. Don't fire the gun while you're talking.

Clip 12

When you've been dismissed from the police, a good clear-out of a filing cabinet or desk drawer can reveal some startling finds. As Frank is about to discover.

Frank

Hey! Look at that. The missing evidence in the Kilner case. My God, he WAS innocent.

Ed

He went to the chair two years ago, Frank.