12 MP3 Audio clips from The Wedding Singer (1998)

PLAY ALL 12 CLIPS

Clip 1

Something tells me that Harold Veltri, no matter how long he lives, will always rue the day he invited his brother, Dave to be Best Man at his wedding. It's quite a speech!

Dave Veltri

When my brother, Harold asked me to the Best Man at his wedding I was like, "Woah... of course, man". 'Cos Harold, you know, he's always been the dependable one. And I've always been the... screwed up one... right, Dad? "Why can't you be more like your brother? Uh... Harold would never beat up his Landlord!"

[Laughs and coughs]

But, uh... little newsflash, Pop. Harold ain't so perfect. Remember that time when we were in Puerto Rico and we picked up those two... well, I guess they were prostitutes but I don't remember paying!

Clip 2

Robbie has brought a young boy who's had way too much to drink outside so that he can puke into a dumpster as opposed to in front of his parents.

Robbie

You all through?

Kid

Yeah.

Robbie

You gonna wait a few years before you drink again?

Kid

Yeah.

Robbie

All right, remember... alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you.

Clip 3

Angie is giving her daughter, Julia some unsolicited advice on the need to marry whilst you're still young and pretty.

Julia

What does pretty have to do with getting married?

Angie

Everything. You gotta get married before your hips start spreading and you get facial hair. Which, by the way, comes from your father's mother. Looks like Magnum P.I. for God's sake.

Clip 4

Kids say the darndest things, don't they? Only this time little Petey was right on the nail. Because Linda really IS a b**ch.

Petey

Hey, Linda. You're a b**ch!

Clip 5

Sammy is keen to get Robbie back in the saddle following his recent jilting. Robbie is pre-occupied thinking about marriage. That's not Sammy's plan.

Sammy

You know there's going to be over a hundred drunk girls at this wedding tonight?

Robbie

I got nothing to offer anybody. I haven't done jack sh*t since High School. Why would any girl ever marry me?

Sammy

Marry you? I'm just trying to get someone to play with your ding-dong!

Clip 6

Robbie has returned to work but his first gig isn't going so well to be perfectly honest. And he seems to have developed an anger management issue, too.

Bride's Father

Hey, buddy, I'm not paying you to hear your thoughts on life. I'm paying you to sing.

Robbie

Well, I have a microphone... and you don't... SO YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY DAMN WORD I HAVE TO SAY!

Clip 7

Same gig. Robbie is about to sing the J. Geils Band 1980 classic "Love Stinks" for the newlyweds. Whoopadeedoo!

Robbie

[Over song intro]

Yahoooo! Cindy and Scott are newlyweds. Whoopadeedoo!

Clip 8

Robbie is babysitting his nephews, Petey and Tyler who've clearly been picking up on some adult conversations concerning Robbie's mental health.

Robbie

Hello?

Tyler

Hey! Uncle Robbie's here.

Robbie

[Taking a head in the crotch]

Ohhhhh, the goof-ball brothers.

Tyler

Is it true that you're in the middle of a nervous breakdown?

Robbie

No.

Petey

Nervous breakdown, nervous breakdown!

Robbie

Who said that?

Tyler

Everybody's been saying that thing.

Robbie

Everybody? You're eight years-old, you only know your parents. What are you talking about?

Tyler

Is it true that you're going to end up in a mental institution?

Petey

Cuckoo's nest, cuckoo's nest!

Clip 9

Some people, drunk or not, have a habit of putting their foot in their mouth. Glenn's friend is a good example. You might think it, but you really shouldn't say it!

Glenn's friend

Robbie Hart? Oh, man. I heard what happened to you at your wedding. That was so cold. You must've felt like sh*t.

Robbie

No. It felt really good. Thanks for bringing it up, man. You know, my parents died when I was ten... would you like to talk about that?

Clip 10

I present this classic Robbie Hart song in full. It's too good to edit. See if you can work out how far through writing it he was when Linda jilted him.

Robbie

Okay, I just wanna warn you that, uh, when I wrote this song I was listening to The Cure a lot. So...

Julia

Okay.

Robbie

Here we go.

[Singing]

You don't know how much I need you.

While you're near me I don't feel blue.

And when we kiss I know you need me too.

I can't believe I've found a love that's so pure and true.

But it all was bullsh*t!

It was a God-damned joke.

And when I think of you, Linda.

I hope you fu*king choke.

I hope you're glad with what you've done to me.

I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy.

You left me here all alone.

Tears running constantly.

Oh, somebody kill me please, somebody kill me please.

I'm on my knees, pretty, pretty please.

Kill me! I want to die.

Put a bullet in my he-ad.

Clip 11

Rosie is Robbie's neighbour. She's old enough to say what she thinks and not care about the consequences. I'm looking forward to being that old, too!

Rosie

Are you nervous about your penis?

Robbie

Uh... what?

Rosie

Well, are you nervous about showing a new girl your penis? You were comfortable showing it to Linda but now you might have to show your penis to someone new.

Robbie

What's the matter with you? Don't... don't talk about that.

Rosie

You know, I was at your bris^* when you were a baby. And I saw it. It wasn't huge but it had some size. Don't worry about it.

Robbie

I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT IT. Next subject, quick.

Rosie

It had good shape.

Robbie

What's the matter with you?

Rosie

And when they cut the extra skin off, the penis itself was very clean.

Robbie

Well, that's great. Jeez...

^* = This is the Yiddish pronunciation. It's not a typo!

Clip 12

Robbie has gone to New York to find well-paid employment. If you're going for an interview soon, don't take a leaf out of Robbie's book. It won't work.

Bank Manager

Why do you think you'd be a good hire for this bank?

Robbie

Well, I'm ready to work hard and when I put my mind to something I go all the way. I'll go all the way for you, sir.

Bank Manager

Do you have any experience?

Robbie

No, sir, I have no experience but I'm a big fan of money. I like it. I use it. I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in.