14 MP3 Audio clips from Mallrats (1995)

PLAY ALL 14 CLIPS

Clip 1

Brandi is on the college roof looking at the stars through a telescope. TS doesn't understand why she needs another guy's telescope when she has her own.

Brandi

I wanted to finish that paper on supernovas and John Sloss said that I could use his telescope before he went home for break.

TS

What do you need his for? You've got your own.

Brandi

No, I got the lenses, TS but I need Sloss's shaft.

TS

Oh... you need Sloss's shaft huh? You insatiable slut!

Clip 2

Guys. If you're unfortunate enough to receive a "Dear John" letter, it is NOT normal to frame it and hang it on your wall. Okay? It's... NOT... normal.

TS

What's that?

Brodie

You like it? I framed it before you got here.

TS

My God... Rene dumped you.

Brodie

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.

TS

What does that mean?

Brodie

You had to be there. Just keep reading.

TS

Wow. Look at this laundry list of complaints. So you have no direction, no college ambition, no job prospects...

Brodie

Yeah, it also says I have no d*ck. But you'll notice that follows the financial question proving once more what women really look for.

TS

What do you do for money anyway?

Brodie

Blood bank, sperm bank... I'm currently considering the eye bank.

TS

Wow... she calls you callow in here.

Brodie

You say that like it's bad.

TS

It means frightened and weak-willed.

Brodie

Really?

Clip 3

Dumped for farting? Doesn't sound plausible does it? Until you realise what Rene was doing at the time. Then it all becomes clear. And justifiable.

Brodie

Let me ask you something. Did you ever fart in front of her?

TS

[Laughs]

Why do you ask?

Brodie

I never farted in front of Rene. Not once, all right? Then last week I let one slip... today she dumps me.

TS

[Laughs]

You think that that's why Rene dumped you? Come on, she's not the shallow type, Brodie.

Brodie

She was going down on me at the time!

Clip 4

Shannon has bumped into Brodie as he walks into the mall, spilling his espresso.

Shannon

What? You wanna say something?

Brodie

Yeah, about a million things but I can't express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand them all.

Shannon

[Quietly as he walks away]

A**hole.

Brodie

PR**K!

Shannon

FU*K YOU!

Clip 5

Willam has been at the mall for weeks, trying to see a magic eye picture. He's attracting quite a lot of attention. And none of it particularly good.

Little girl

What's he doing?

Mother

Oh, well, if you stare at this poster for a few seconds, a hidden picture appears.

Little boy

Can we do it? Please? Please?

Mother

All right. Go ahead. But hurry. The Easter Bunny's waiting.

Little girl

[After a couple of seconds of looking at the poster]

Wow! It's a schooner!

Willam

[Laughs]

You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner. It's a sailboat.

Little boy

A schooner is a sailboat, stupidhead!

Willam

[Losing his temper]

YOU KNOW WHAT? THERE IS NO EASTER BUNNY. OVER THERE... THAT'S JUST A GUY IN A SUIT.

Clip 6

You know you're a geek when you have a conversation with your friend about whether Lois Lane's reproductive system could handle Superman's unborn baby.

TS

But they're engaged.

Brodie

Doesn't matter. It can't happen.

TS

Why not? It's bound to come up.

Brodie

It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her Fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun... right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?

TS

Sure. Why not?

Brodie

He's an alien for Christ's sake. His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom. That would kill him.

Clip 7

Sometimes it takes a woman listing all of your faults to realise what a total a**hole you've been. And in Brodie's case, he's king of the hill on the a**hole front.

Rene

Brodie. I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday when you asked me to do a striptease to the theme from Mighty Mouse? I said "okay." When we were at that hotel prom night and you asked me to sleep underneath the bed in case your mother burst in? I did it. And even when we were at my Grandmother's funeral and you told most of my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress? I let it slide.

[She slaps his face]

If you think I'm gonna suffer any more of your sh*t with a smile now that we're broken up? You're in for some serious fu*king disappointment!

Clip 8

Grandparents. They're so wise. And sometimes they share that wisdom. But most of the time they just say some crazy things.

Brodie

My Grandmother always said "Why buy the cow when you get the sex for free?"

TS

She did?

Brodie

All the time before she became a lesbian on her sixtieth birthday but that's beside the point.

Clip 9

I've included this line for the benefit of anyone who might get the reference. I didn't. I had to look it up. If YOU don't understand it, I urge you to do the same.

Jay

Damn, that bastard's faster than Walt Flanagan's dog!

Clip 10

Brodie has just had what he believes was makeup sex with Rene in an elevator. He's quite proud of himself. So proud that he's doing a little dance to celebrate.

Rene

No, Brodie. That was too little, too late.

Brodie

Too little? You said it was a good size.

Rene

The effort, you retard. The effort was too little, too late. But now that you mention it? When a girl says it's a good size? It's a nice way of saying that it's small.

Clip 11

Who could possibly remember a minor sexual indiscretion at a High School costume party so many years ago? Who could remember that? Well, TS and Brodie do.

Gwen

You're overreacting again. You know that's why your relationships fail. It's certainly why ours did. You got bent out of shape the same way over that costume party when we were in High School.

TS

You fu*ked Rick Derris on a pool table. With everyone watching no less.

Gwen

It was a costume party, TS. Nobody could tell it was me. Besides, who else but you remembers sh*t like that?

Brodie

[Enters shot with lacy panties over his jeans]

I would've been a sexy chick!

Gwen

Brodie... do you remember that costume party?

Brodie

Might that have been the one where you banged Rick Derris on the pool table?

TS

Nobody remembers sh*t like that.

Gwen

How is it that you recall the most trivial events?

Brodie

I'll never forget it. How many chances do you get to see Smokey fu*k The Bandit?

Gwen

Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?

Brodie & TS

Except for the moustache!

Clip 12

Shannon has just given Brodie a kicking in a maintenance tunnel. And now he's revealing his secret, perverted plans for Rene. Plans involving sex somewhere... uncomfortable.

Shannon

Y'see, Bruce. I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're more vulnerable, more in need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And I use that suggestion to fu*k them someplace fairly uncomfortable.

Brodie

What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

Shannon

No! Like... somewhere girls dread.

Clip 13

I'd never heard of "stink-palming" someone before I watched this movie. And now I'm deeply suspicious of anyone who tries to shake my hand. And I carry disinfectant gel. Just to be safe.

Brodie

All right, so you can't scream at him but after all he's done to you, you should still kinda stick it to him.

TS

How do you propose I do that?

Brodie

You stink-palm him.

TS

What's a stink-palm?

Brodie

You take you hand and you stick it in your ass... like this. You've been walking all day and you're also nervous so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell.

TS

You should see yourself right now... a grown man with his hand down his pants.

Brodie

Yeah, I probably look like my old man.

[Producing his hand from the back of his jeans]

There. Now you shake hands with the guy. "Hey, Mr. Svenning, how have you been?"

TS

What's the point?

Brodie

You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you like, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly.

TS

Meanwhile you yourself are left with a hand that smells like sh*t.

Brodie

Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies.

Clip 14

Sometimes things get blurred. Like who punched a girl's mother for calling him "low grade", for example.

Brodie

Man. You're giving up? You? You used to be a stand-up kind of guy. What happened to that guy? The guy who punched Amanda Gross's mother after she called him "low class"

TS

That wasn't me. That was you.

Brodie

Oh, yeah.

TS

And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.

Brodie

No wonder the b**ch went down so fast.