9 MP3 Audio clips from Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008)

PLAY ALL 9 CLIPS

Clip 1

Mr. Surya is the boss of the café where Zack and Delaney work. Delaney doesn't suffer fools gladly. Zack will just side with whoever happens to be winning an argument at the material time.

Mr. Surya

Mr. Delaney... can you work for me tomorrow?

Delaney

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.

Mr. Surya

Then you must come in the next day I tell you. It's Black Friday.

Delaney

Black Friday?

Mr. Surya

It's the biggest mall shopping day of the year and since the mall is just up the street... I would like you to come out and work.

Delaney

On Black Friday.

Mr. Surya

Oh, yes.

Delaney

All right, want me to work on Mooley Monday too?

Mr. Surya

I'm sorry?

Delaney

How 'bout Nig**r Tuesday.

Mr. Surya

Nig**r Tuesday? Is this a new holiday?

Delaney

You come to a brother and tell him he got to work on Black Friday. You got any idea how racist that sounds? Telling me to come in and work, what... you think you own me?

Mr. Surya

I never say this I tell you.

Delaney

But you thought it, didn't you? You thought to yourself, "I'm gonna lay down the law for this nig**r because I put food on his table and clothes on his little nig**r baby backs. He ain't gonna say sh*t."

Zack

This ain't Amistad.

Mr. Surya

You shut up!

Delaney

God damn right this ain't Amistad. Can't wait 'til the Post Office settle my disability suit. 'Cos then I'm gonna be out this mother fu*ker 'cos I'm gonna be Oprah rich. You can kiss my ass!

Mr. Surya

You know what? Fu*k you... fu*k you... and suck c*ck!

Clip 2

Zack and Delaney are having a deep, meaningful conversation about relationships. Zack doesn't want to complicate things. Delaney wishes he'd stuck with his right hand.

Zack

We got a good thing going, man. She... she... she pays half the rent, she does dishes, she wakes me up in the morning. Why complicate that with sex? Besides, man I've known her since the first grade. You don't fu*k someone you met in the first grade.

Delaney

Excuse me, I met my wife in Kindergarten. We got married senior year and she's been the queen of my world ever since.

Zack

But what if you could do it all over again?

Delaney

I would jerk off and live by myself. The woman is the bane of my existence.

Zack

See?

Customer

Excuse me. Can I get a cup of coffee? Black.

Delaney

Can't you see we're talking? White!

Clip 3

It's Zack and Miri's high school reunion. Nobody recognises him. But he certainly recognises Roxanne. She's sitting alone. Until he joins her.

Zack

Zack Brown. We had four years of Spanish together. Why does no-one recognise me? Am I thinner? Is that it?

Roxanne

Look at him!

Zack

Who?

Roxanne

My stupid husband.

Zack

No... fu*king... sh*t. John Butterfield? You actually married John Butterfield? That's amazing.

Roxanne

Don't ever get married. It sucks. You stop appreciating each other and you run out of sh*t to talk about after the first year.

Zack

Hmm.

Roxanne

But look at him now. Chatty as fu*k. Flirting up a storm with that cheerleader nimrod Monica Von.

Zack

You want me to maybe flirt with you so he can see to even it up a bit?

Roxanne

I don't want to get even. If was gonna do anything I'd want to one-up the a**hole.

Zack

Give me a hand job in the girl's locker room?

Roxanne

Fine but make it fast.

Zack

Fu*k, yeah!

Clip 4

Zack doesn't recognise everyone at the reunion. Brandon isn't at all familiar. But then Zack doesn't watch gay porn.

Zack

What do you do? Wh... what brings you here?

Brandon

Oh I came here with somebody who went to school here.

Zack

Really?

Brandon

Bobby Long.

Zack

No sh*t! That's... that's who my friend's hitting on right now. See right there? The one dressed like Hannah Montana?

Brandon

In L.A. we call that look "Nickelodeon Chic".

Zack

Wait... L.A.? Los Angeles?

Brandon

California.

Zack

That's awesome, man. What do you do out there?

Brandon

I'm an actor.

Zack

Wow. That's really impressive.

Brandon

Thank you. Thank you.

Zack

In fu*king movies?

Brandon

Fu*king... movies. Yeah, pretty much.

Zack

Look at you! What... anything I've seen? Wh... what movies?

BrandonBrandon

Oh, all sorts of movies with all-male casts.

Zack

All-male casts? Like Glengarry Glen Ross? Like that?

Brandon

Like "Glen and Garry Suck Ross's Meaty C*ck and Drop their Hairy Nuts in his Eager Mouth."

Clip 5

Knowing that Miri is wasting her time flirting with Bobby Long, Zack does the noble thing and saves her from herself. By introducing her to Brandon. Bobby's boyfriend and star of such films as...

Zack

Hello, Miriam.

Miri

Beat it. We're talking.

Zack

I just wanted to introduce you to Brandon.

Brandon

Salutations!

Zack

Bobby's boyfriend.

Miri

Bobby who?

Bobby

Bobby me!

Brandon

Bobby Long.

Zack

Brandon, uh... is the star of such adult fayre as... what was that one called again?

Brandon

"You'd Better Shut Your Mouth or I'm Gonna Fu*k It."

Zack

That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that.

Miri

Are you fu*king with me?

Zack

No. They're fu*king with each other.

Clip 6

When that awkward moment arises when you can't think of anything to say? Say nothing. But don't, DON'T say this. Ever.

Zack

So, you guys suck each other's c*cks, huh?

Brandon

Oh... like crazy!

Clip 7

It's audition time for Zack & Miri's debut porno flick. The potential cast are reading selected lines from the script. Some of which are... interesting.

Man

Cradle the balls, work the shaft.

Old Man

Jerk my cum crayon and let me colour you white.

Old Woman

I need c*ck and I need it now.

Young Man

I'm fu*king you in the puss.

Younger Man

I'm fu*king you in the... puss.

[Rhymed with truss]

Zack

It's "puss" as in... pu**y?

Younger Man

Oh, because I was like... who would... who would wanna fu*k puss?

Enthusiastic Man

I want to slam my ham in your can, woman.

Clip 8

The auditions continue with Zack and Miri asking each candidate if they have any "special skills". I don't think they mean juggling or ventriloquism.

Miri

Well, so, uh... do you have any special skills?

Lester

Special skills...

[He thinks for a moment]

I can get a boner really quick and it sticks straight up.

Miri

[Quietly to ZACK]

Is that really a special skill?

Zack

I think it is. Can you... can you show us what you mean?

Lester

Sure.

[LESTER stands up, drops his pants and clearly gets an instant erection]

Miri

Oh, that is special. Yeah, you're hired, Mister, uh... who are you again?

Lester

Lester. Lester "The Molester" C*ckinshtuff.

Miri

No!

Zack

Wow! That is the best porn name I've ever heard, man.

Lester

I can have a porn name? Then I'll be... Pete Jones.

Zack

Okay.

Clip 9

The cast has been decided. Now it's time for the first read-through. The movie is " Star Whores" and the characters are "appropriate" caricatures of the originals.

Zack

Uh, I will be Hung Solo. Delaney, my friend... you are On Your Knees Bend Over.

Delaney

Man, I can't be in no porno. My wife'll kill me.

Miri

[Channelling Princess Lea]

Hump me on your knees Bend Over, you're my only hump.

Delaney

On the other hand... fu*k my wife.

Zack

Unfortunately On Your Knees Bend Over does not have any sex in the movie. But the droids do. I-C-U-P and R2-T-BAG.