8 MP3 Audio clips from Old School (2003)

PLAY ALL 8 CLIPS

Clip 1

Having left a conference in San Diego early to surprise his wife, Mitch jumps in a taxi to the airport. But things don't start too smoothly.

Mitch

Going to the airport. I'm kind of in a hurry, too. Uh... I'm sorry. Your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?

Taxi Driver

I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the back seat. Jesus!

Clip 2

Probably the LAST thing you need on your wedding day... the VERY last thing, is a friend like Beanie stood behind you.

Beanie

Don't even start with me, Franklin. Okay, you need to walk away from this ASAP.

Frank

What?

Beanie

You need to get out, Frankie.

[Here Comes The Bride begins to play as she and her father begin walking down the aisle]

Well, this is it, Frank. It's now or never. You need to get out of here while you're still single.

Frank

I... I'm not single.

Beanie

She's thirty yards away from you. You're still single right now.

Frank

C'mon... this is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Beanie

Why don't you give that six months? You don't think that's going to change? I got a wife. Kids. Do I sound like a happy guy to you, Frankie?

[Looking into the congregation]

Now there's my wife. See that? Always smiling. "Hi, honey." Judging. Watching. "Look at the baby, look at the baby."

Mitch

She's coming down the aisle, Beanie. Let it go.

Beanie

All right, let me be the first to say congratulations to you, then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank. Way to work it through.

Mitch

Don't listen to him, Frank.

Frank

I need my inhaler!

Nicole

[Now at the altar]

Thank you, Daddy.

Clip 3

I have a tip for you. When you're booking a band for your wedding, it's wise to check them out first to make sure that they won't drop the "F-Bomb" bang in the middle of your first dance.

Backing Singers

Turn around.

Lead Singer

Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round.

Backing Singers

Turn around.

Lead Singer

Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears.

Backing Singers

Turn around.

Lead Singer

Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by.

Backing Singers

Turn around.

Lead Singer

Every now and then I get a little bit terrified, I see the fu*kin' look in your eye.

Backing Singers

Turn around, bright eyes.

Lead Singer

Every now and then I fall apart.

Backing Singers

Turn around, bright eyes.

Lead Singer

Yeah, fu*kin' every now and then I fall apart! And I need you now tonight. I fu*kin' need you more than ever...

Clip 4

And now Beanie is the least of Frank's problems. Mitch is drunk as sh*t and is about to make an unusual Best Man's speech.

[MITCH grabs the microphone and ignores the feedback]

Mitch

Excuse me. I'd like to say I'm really glad and, hmm... proud to be here tonight. I'm glad Frank's Dad made it out. That's awesome. I hadn't seen him in, like eight years. That's great. Congratulations.

Frank

I love you, Dad!

Mitch

True love is hard to find. Sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamned magic show ready to double-team your girlfriend and it stops...

Beanie

[Grabs the microphone from MITCH]

It stops... right there.

Clip 5

Swearing in front of a child. It's not big and it's not clever. Especially when this particular child covers his own ears on command.

Mitch

The truth of the matter is... I've had a hell of a day, an even worse month and... and the fact is, I've got forty strangers out in my living room and all I want to do is get some fu*king sleep. So, I'm sorry... but... we're not starting a fraternity.

Beanie

I don't... I don't know why you've got to do it in front of the kid. With the effing. All you've got to do is say "earmuffs" to him. Earmuffs.

[BEANIE'S SON covers his ears with his hands]

Then you can say fu*k, sh*t, b**ch... whatever you want.

Mitch

C*ck, balls.

Beanie

Okay, I'm just proving a point, you don't have to celebrate it, Frank.

Mitch

I'm sorry.

Beanie

[To his SON]

Take 'em off.

[The BOY removes his hands from his ears]

Don't say sorry to me. You let down Frank, you let down me, you let down Max most importantly. And right about now I'm having a real hard time trying to figure out why I take time out of my schedule just to try to help you get over... earmuffs...

[His SON covers his ears again]

...that whore that you dated?

[To his SON]

Want to go out and see the other guys? Uncle Mitch is sorry.

Clip 6

If I was undergoing a fraternity initiation, I'd be asking myself all of these questions. And more besides.

Mitch

At this point... you may be asking yourself... why am I holding this thirty pound cinder block in my hands? You might also ask yourself why does this cinder block have a long piece of string tied to it? And finally... why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?

Clip 7

Barry is a Blowjob Instructor. Yeah, you read that right. A BLOWJOB instructor. Does that actually exist? And if so... WHY? No woman I've ever been with has needed lessons.

Barry

Okay, ladies. The secret to a good BJ is focus. I don't care if we're talking about your husband of ten years or just some hot sailor you met at TGI Friday's... couple months ago... who never did call me back but did leave me with a little something called Herpes. Which I then gave to the dog.

Clip 8

Mitch is suddenly alone in a diner where he's known as "The Godfather" and where the server feels it's necessary to provide some words of wisdom.

Server

Love... it's a mother-fu*ker, eh?