16 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of After Life (2019)

PLAY ALL 52 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Tony is walking his dog, Brandy in the park.

Tony

Come here. Good girl.

Man

Your dog should be on a lead.

Tony

What?

Man

Dogs should be on a lead. Can't you read? The park's for everyone.

Tony

Oh ri.. Oh, sorry. Thank you. Come here girl. Come here.

[TONY stoops to attach the lead and gasps in faux horror]

What? He is NOT a fat, hairy, nosy c*cksucker. Bad girl, Brandy. Sorry about that.

Man

Disgusting.

Tony

See ya later.

Tony is walking past his nephew's primary school and spots him in the playground.

Tony

Hi, George.

George

Hi.

Robbie

Who's that?

George

He's my Uncle.

Robbie

PAEDO!

Tony

What?

Robbie

PAEDO!

Tony

I'm not a paedo and if I was, you'd be safe, you tubby little ginger c*nt!

Tony and Lenny are visiting a pensioner to report on the latest Tambury Gazette scoop. As they're waiting for him to answer the door, Lenny farts.

Tony

You disgusting -

Lenny

- Didn't wanna do it in the man's house did I?

Tony

Go to the doctor - you've definitely got bowel cancer.

Man

[Opening the front door]

Hello!

Tony

Don't come out, this fat c*nt's shat himself.

Man

Are you from the newspaper?

Tony

Yeah. Leave him there for a while.

[Turning to LENNY]

You fu*king pig!

Tony is accosted by two youths in an alleyway.

Youth

Oi, mate. Got any money?

Tony

[Sighs]

Yeah.

Youth

What?

Tony

Yes. I've got money.

Youth

Give it to me then.

Tony

Why?

Youth

'Cos I'll fu*king kill you if you don't.

Tony

That usually work does it? To most people the threat of death is worse than giving you money. But, uh.. or they're worried you'll hurt their family, or.. I haven't got any family. So. I'm not gonna go into it but I don't care about anything any more. I.. I'm not giving you any money.

Youth

Are you mental?

Tony

No. I'm just tired of doing things I don't want to do. And we always have a choice. And if I've read this right, my choice is either violence or hand over my money peacefully to two useless little c*nts.

Youth

[Rushes towards TONY]

Are you MAD?

[TONY hits him square in the face with the tin of dog food he's carrying. The YOUTH crumples]

Tony

Fu*k off. Okay? Just fu*k off.

Tony is watching a video on his computer in which he sneaks into the bedroom, waking Lisa from peaceful slumber with a short blast of an air horn.

Lisa

[Screams]

Oh. Oh it's Sunday you cu-unt.

Tony

[Laughs raucously]

You're not a real vicar. I can tell.

Oh. Tony!

Tony's postman (who happens to be called Pat) makes another special delivery.

Pat

Do you still want me to put it through the door then?

Tony

No. You can give it to me.

Pat

Just a postcard from Mike and Beth. Whoever they are.

Tony

Friends. What's it say?

Pat

Just says they're having a great time and Mike's had diarrhoea.

Tony

Good. Well, let's hope you're still my postman when I'm blind.

Kath is inflicting her dream dinner party conversation on Tony and Sandy. She's listing random celebrities to invite when she unwisely suggests the King of Pop.

Kath

Michael Jackson.

Tony

[Scoffs]

James Corden would cum if Jacko walked in. Just fu*king... drench everyone.

Kath

You need to grow up.

Tony and his nephew, George are having a heart-to-heart in the kitchen.

George

Daddy says you're sad since Auntie Lisa died.

Tony

Yep.

George

I'm sad too. I dream about her sometimes.

Tony

Me too.

George

Why didn't the doctors make her better?

Tony

They tried.

George

Why didn't Jesus save her?

Tony

'Cos he's an a**hole.

George

[Laughs]

Tony

Don't tell your Mum and Dad I said that.

George

I won't.

Tony and Lenny are discussing Kenneth Branagh whose vague likeness has allegedly appeared on a local man's living room wall.

Lenny

I think he's quite handsome. I'd love to look like Kenneth Branagh.

Tony

'Course you would. 'Cos you look like fu*king Shrek. It'd be an upgrade for you. At least you'd be human then.

Tony stumbles across Julian who's stolen money from his wallet and who's in company with a certain lady of the night.

Tony

Where's my money?

Roxy

Okay, calm down.

Tony

Who the fu*k are you?

Roxy

I'll be whoever you want me to be.

Tony

You spent my sixty quid on a prostitute?

Julian

No no, she's just a friend of mine.

Roxy

Yeah I'm not gonna charge him sixty quid am I? And less of the prostitute. I'm a sex worker.

Tony

Oh, my bad. Give me my money.

Roxy

Be careful with him.

Tony

Sorry, shouldn't you be wa*king someone off?

Roxy

My next appointment's not until three o'clock actually.

Brian, the local lunatic, is trying to get himself in the Tambury Gazette. His suggestion of a jokes page sparks this little beauty by way of an example.

Brian

What do you get if you cross a disabled octopus with my ex-wife? A five-legged slut.

Tony's just endured another nightmare session with his psychiatrist. When the receptionist makes inane chit-chat about his plans for the weekend, he can't resist shocking her.

Receptionist

That's sixty-eight pounds please. Any plans for the weekend?

Tony

Gonna rape myself to death.

Tony is visiting his father, Ray at the Autumnal Leaves Care Home. He asks to speak to Emma, the nurse he previously insulted and this brilliant exchange ensues.

Emma

About your Dad. You upset quite a few people today didn't you, Ray?

Tony

How?

Emma

Well, he told Irene Tyndall that he would like to do her from behind.

Tony

[Sniggers]

Why from behind?

Emma

Well, I don't really think that's the issue.

Tony

No. Sure -

Ray

- Ugly.

Tony

Oh, right.

Emma

And he accused Charlie Willis of sucking off Elton John.

Tony

How old's Charlie Willis?

Emma

Eighty-nine.

Ray

Dirty bastard.

Tony

Anything else? Please say yes.

Emma

Oh... yeah, yeah, yeah. He told Winston Freeman that he has the c*ck of a Chinaman.

[Bursts out laughing uncontrollably]

Tony

How d'ya know what a Chinaman's... c*ck... you shouldn't even say Chinaman, Dad.

[They BOTH laugh]

Tony's on the date arranged by Matt. But she's a nightmare. And as if the conversation wasn't bad enough, talk soon turns to the benefits of suicide.

Tony's Date

But seriously though, how hard is suicide? You know my husband did it. Threw himself off Beachy Head, hit the rocks, skull exploded... boof! Efficient. He was sh*t at everything else but I've got to give him his due he really knew what he was doing when it came to suicide.

Tony

Wow.

Tony's Date

Wow indeed. And no. I'm not grieving. He was a c*nt.

Tony and Lenny are visiting a local woman to report the fact that she is making rice puddings with her own breast milk. And that's not all…

Interviewee

Well, I didn't breast-feed this time. Not convenient. Obviously I was still lactating so I thought waste not want not. So I expressed. And started making rice puddings.

Tony

Out of your breast milk?

Lenny

Good idea.

Interviewee

And it's more natural if you think about it isn't it? For people to eat a pudding made from human milk. That's what we're used to isn't it?

Tony

Well, when we're babies maybe.

Interviewee

So I kept expressing.

Tony

And making rice puddings. Do other people eat these?

Interviewee

Yah. They lap it up.

Tony

And they know it's your breast milk?

Interviewee

Yah.

Tony

Who eats these?

Interviewee

Mr. Crosby at number five. He can't get enough. I mean I can't make huge puddings.

Tony

Sure.

Interviewee

Sometimes I have to top it up with cows' milk.

Tony

Right.

Interviewee

Anyway, do you want to try?

Tony

Nah. We're fine. Thank you-

Lenny

[LENNY has no such reservations and starts noisily sucking and slurping the concoction straight from the dish making TONY begin to gag uncontrollably]

Tony

Oh, God. OH, God!

Interviewee

Are you okay?

Tony

No. It's the sight of him... just... slurping it up like a fat... fu*king Labrador! Oh, God.

[Continues to gag uncontrollably]

It's... oh, God! Change the subject.

Interviewee

So for the bread I use my own vaginal yeast.

[TONY'S gag reflex goes into overdrive]

Tony is waiting outside the crematorium at which the funeral for Julian has just taken place. He's approached by a nun.

Nun

Friend of yours?

Tony

Yeah. Uh, guy I used to work with.

Nun

Oh. I'm sorry.

[The smoke from the crematorium begins to drift across the path]

Tony

Oh. Don't breathe in the smoke love. You'll be off your tits. Trust me.