19 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of After Life (2019)

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Tony and Lenny are interviewing a woman who's just turned 100 years old (brilliantly played by Annette Crosbie) but she's more belligerent and foul-mouthed than they could ever have imagined.

Tony

What advice would you give to someone to have a long life like yours?

Old Woman

Don't. It's fu*king awful. It hurts just to be alive. Here's my typical month. First week, diarrhoea. The next three weeks, I can't sh*t at all.

Tony

You must have seen a lot though. Hundred years...

Old Woman

I was born in Tambury. I'll die in Tambury. Very soon, I hope. I've seen fu*k all. I may as well have been a tree.

Tony

What do your family think of this?

Old Woman

I haven't got a family. They all died.

Tony

Right. Your friends here, though.

Old Woman

They're not friends. They're c*nts. All of them. I hate every single one of them. And when I out-live one of them? They bring a new c*nt in to take their place. C*nts!

You remember the psychiatrist from Series One, right? Well, he's even less of a professional this time around. I mean... seriously? People pay for advice like this?!

Psychiatrist

What do you miss about her, though?

Matt

Well, everything, you know... I... I miss her liking me. Um, I hate to think I've upset her in some way.

Psychiatrist

Don't worry about it.

Matt

What do you mean? Is that... advice?

Psychiatrist

Yeah. Just don't worry about it, mate.

Matt

Yeah, just not that easy, though, is it? You know... it's like saying don't worry that you're... bleeding. You know, just by saying that, it doesn't go away.

Psychiatrist

I was bleeding from the anus for a month last year and I never went to the doctor.

Matt

Right.

Psychiatrist

It just went away.

Matt is about to receive an offer he really should (and let's be honest, easily could) refuse. Who wants to spend an evening in the company of Ian "The Nonce" Trowton? Nope. Me neither!

Psychiatrist

[Clicks his fingers to illustrate that he's had a great idea]

You should come out with me, Ratty and The Nonce.

Matt

The Nonce?

Psychiatrist

Real name Ian Trowton. But we call him "The Nonce" or "Pedo Ian". I mean, he's not a real kiddy fiddler... it's a... it's an in-joke.

Matt

Ah!

Psychiatrist

He fu*ked a dwarf once when he was off his head. He said it was like fu*king a child. But legal. Although, should it be?

Matt

Yeah.

If your postman knocked on your front door and asked to use your bathroom, what would you assume he meant? Penny to a pinch of sh*t, you'd think the same as Tony. But, like him, you'd be wrong.

Pat

Hiyah! Could I just use your bathroom?

Tony

All right. Upstairs.

Pat

Ta.

[Fade to indicate time lapse]

Tony

Mate! I gotta go out!

Pat

[From bathroom]

All right. See ya later. I'll lock up.

Tony

No. You won't. Get out!

[The sound of someone having a bath can be heard]

What the fu*k?!

[TONY goes upstairs to investigate and finds PAT sprawled out in the bath]

Fu*k me! I thought you were having a p*ss.

Pat

No. I've gotta go out after so I thought I'd have a wash.

Tony

Unbelievable. Get out! OUT!

Pat

Well turn round then!

Tony

Fu*king hell!

Tony is trying to explain to Pat how his taking a bath (and great liberties in the process) is messing with his plans to become more zen. Pat doesn't quite get it. Obviously.

Tony

I try and be more chilled. The reason I'm in a hurry is that I've got a meditation class tonight to try to be more zen and then sh*t like this happens to wind me the fu*k up again.

Pat

Don't think the Dalai Lama would be like that, would he?

Tony

Oh, let's see shall we? Go around his house tomorrow and start washing your fu*king ass in his sink. See what he does. Is that my aftershave?

Pat

Yeah, it's nice innit?

Tony

Fu*king hell.

Pat

Expensive.

Tony

[Opening the front door]

Out!

Matt has convinced Tony to join him at a meditation and yoga class. The teacher is the kind of man even Mother Teresa would want to punch. In the face. With brass knuckles.

Yoga Teacher

Any bad things that have happened to you... you must have welcomed them in.

Tony

No. No, no, no. No way.

Yoga Teacher

We have choice.

[He snorts. One of those disgusting, unnecessary mucus kind of snorts]

Tony

Fu*k... that!

Matt

Please...

Tony

That's ridiculous. Wind chimes, slurping, sniffing... how is that relaxing? It's disgusting. I'm off to get p*ssed out of my mind in every cell in my body.

Matt

[Apologetically to YOGA TEACHER]

See you next Tuesday.

Tony

You're not wrong there. Fu*king snot-curdling c*nt!

Lenny is not a Lothario. Okay? He's not. He's a nice guy. He eats like I imagine a hippo would but he's got a good heart. And that really is all that he's got going for him. Despite what he says.

Sandy

You seem happy having a family.

Lenny

Yeah, yeah. It's about time I settled down. With one woman!

Sandy

Was you a bit of a ladies' man?

Lenny

Big time. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Sandy

Right!

Lenny

Yeah, see... I was a late starter so I had a lot of catching up to do. Yeah, I didn't really start playing the field until my twenties.

Sandy

Oh. Okay.

Lenny

Yeah. I was quite shy in my teens. Wasn't always this cool, I guess.

Sandy

No?

Lenny

Nah. I used to be sort of... odd-looking.

Tony

Fu*k me! What did you used to look like?

Lenny

I dunno but I remember The Ugly Duckling being quite inspirational.

Tony

Is that the one where it's a weird little duckling and all the other ducks are taking the p*ss out of it. But then when it grows up, it's not a duck at all. It's like a big, two hundred pound, sort of human slug that works in a local free news paper?

Lenny

Yeah, that's the one.

Tony

Yeah.

[Laughs]

Brian is up to his old tricks again. Trying his painfully unfunny, usually sexually-oriented jokes on female members of staff. This won't end well.

Brian

Hello, Valerie.

Valerie

[Distractedly]

Yep.

Brian

What's grey and comes in pints?

Valerie

[Makes a non-committal grunting sound which can in no way be mistaken for interest]

Brian

Elephant.

[He makes the sounds and gestures of an elephant ejaculating]

You're soaked.

Valerie

You're disgusting.

Brian

Oh, really? I'm not the one with a face-full of jizz, love.

Matt is enduring another counselling session with his crap psychiatrist. A man with absolutely no empathy, understanding or idea of what he's doing.

Matt

I'm just so fed up at the moment.

Psychiatrist

Fu*k's sake. We all get fed up and depressed, mate.

Matt

Yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to... I mean, what do you do when you... when you get depressed?

Psychiatrist

I get twatted with Ratty and The Nonce.

Matt

Right.

Psychiatrist

Go to the football. Start a fight. I hate all this namby-pamby nonsense, you know? This bleeding hearts. "Ooh, toxic masculinity! It's okay to cry." It's also okay to have five pints, drop an E and do some fu*king trollop from behind against the bins. Whatever floats your boat, boy. Think I broke my thumb up some bird's ass.

Ken is trying to boost his own career and the Tambury Gazette's readership by providing what he considers to be top-quality celebrity gossip.

Ken

Now, Sandy. Liz Taylor. You remember her? Friend of a friend of mine worked on her autopsy. Right? They found out she was absolutely crammed with love eggs!

Tony has found himself discussing the virtues (or lack thereof) of Astrology. Kath is an avid fan. Tony thinks it's all horsesh*t.

Kath

It's true! Virgos are smart, modest, capable, dedicated... see? Fits don't it?

Tony

Yeah. Everyone likes to think they're those things. That's why they make it flattering, so you believe it. If it said, "Oh, you're boring, ugly, thick and sh*t at everything." you wouldn't go back, would ya? Also, they make it vague so you can make it fit. I want to see one in the paper that says, "Happy birthday, Rita Wainthrop of 7 Acacia Drive, Wigan. You're gonna get fired from your job today 'cos everyone hates you and the boss thinks you're a slut." Then I'd believe it.

Kath

Always have to get silly, don't you?

Holy sh*t, Matt really needs to get himself a new counsellor because this one... well, he's mad. Literally. He's in no position to be giving out advice. He lives a nightmare. He IS a nightmare!

Psychiatrist

I don't know whether to psychoanalyse you or take you down the vet and get you fu*king put down. You've got to get out there, mate. Yeah?

Matt

Yeah.

Psychiatrist

Dunk the monk. Bang some beaver. Shoot some schpick.

Matt

What... what's that?

Psychiatrist

It's Yiddish for spunk.

[Editor's Note: No. No it's not. There IS no specific translation of the word "spunk" in Yiddish.]

Matt

Oh... right.

Psychiatrist

Listen, the offer's still open if you wanna come out with me and the boys. We're actually getting messy tonight as it goes. Local pub crawl and minge hunt.

Matt

Um... that's a very kind offer but... I... I can't tonight... unfortunately.

Psychiatrist

Poof!

Ken is mad. We know that. And in his bid to provide publishable tabloid stories, he outrageously claims to have been bummed by the ghost of Liberace. I'm calling bullsh*t on that one.

James

You want tabloid, you wanna speak to my agent, Ken.

Tony

Yeah. We did. He's mental.

Lenny

Well, we could run the Liberace story.

Tony

No. No, we couldn't.

Matt

Wh... what is it?

Tony

His agent reckons he was bummed by the ghost of Liberace.

Matt

Mmm hmm. Well, it might be true.

Tony

How the fu*k can it be true?!

This interviewee has had so much botox that her face is completely paralysed, so much breast enlargement that it looks like she's smuggling basketballs and as for her minge...

Woman

My whole face was paralysed. It's only just gone back to normal.

Tony

Has it?

Woman

Yeah. My boobs leak. They're fake an'all.

Tony

Are they?

Woman

Yeah, I mean rock hard.

[She begins knocking on her super-inflated breasts]

Tony

Right.

Woman

Yeah.

Tony

Sorry... and that was the same guy that did your face?

Woman

Yeah. I was furious. Still am.

Tony

Are you? It's hard to tell.

Woman

If you think he botched my face and chest, you should see my minge. It's like a butcher's bin.

Sandy is still working her story on the local Amateur Dramatics Group. Ken has been feeding her all kinds of stories. This one is a classic.

Tony

You all right?

Sandy

Yeah.

Tony

How's it going?

Sandy

Just got a great scoop on Ken Otley's sister's anus. It's bleached.

Tony

Good.

It's the local Amateur Dramatics Group's "Night of a Thousand Stars" God help them. Brian is doing his stand-up routine.

Brian

Right. Who wants some jokes?

Crowd

Yeah!

Matt

Just remember, there are children here.

Brian

[To GEORGE]

Hello, son. What's your name?

George

George.

Brian

George. Nice name, George. How old are you?

George

Nine.

Brian

I got a little joke for you, lad. What's worse than ants in your pants?

George

Don't know.

Brian

Michael Jackson. You wouldn't want him rummaging around in your underwear, would you? Knock knock. Who's there? My ex-wife. Go fu*k yourself, you dirty, manky whore!

It's Rebecca's turn to take to the stage with her unique brand of feminist poetry.

Rebecca

Almighty creator. Instigator of every single soul. In a single cell. Waiting for a big... bang.

[JAMES, waiting in the wings is so nervous that he farts, loudly]

Oh, you dumpy little c*nt! Did you just fart?

Jill

Don't talk to him like that. I've told him never to hold it in if he needs to pump. It's bad for him.

Rebecca

He just farted! He just fa... huh! I told you not to stand there. Oh my G... oh, it fu*king stinks up here.

Ken

She's coming off. Right, get out there. You're gonna have to take over. Come on. Do your dance.

Jill

Come on, James.

A Night of a Thousand Stars was quite the sensation. And now it's time to debrief and work out exactly what went wrong. Brian thinks he has an idea.

Brian

I think I got a little bit of stage fright. I forgot a lot of my best jokes.

Sandy

What jokes did you forget?

Brian

Ooh, er... what do you get if you cross... my ex-wife with Buzz Aldrin? You get an astronaut who fu*ks gypsies!

Dennis is a local man who likes to "self-identify" as Denise, an eight-year-old girl. His wife is having none of it. And this conversation takes place in front of Tony and Lenny.

Woman

It's not transphobic. You're not trans.

Dennis

I am trans.

Woman

I haven't got a problem with trans people. Real trans people. I couldn't give a sh*t what gender people wanna be or become or what they wanna be called or how they wanna dress or whether they keep the nob or the fanny they were born with. I couldn't give a sh*t. But you are not trans. You're having a fu*king breakdown.

Dennis

I identify as an eight-year-old girl.

Woman

You're not an eight-year-old girl.

Dennis

You are what you identify as.

Woman

Pulls this sort of sh*t all the time. He saw a documentary once about M.E. Had that for a year.

Dennis

That was a nightmare. You're tired all the time. I couldn't work.

Woman

It was bullsh*t.

Dennis

There is a lot of misunderstanding and cynicism about the disease.

Woman

Yeah, and you didn't fu*king have it, you moron. Silly twat thought he caught Downs Syndrome last year.

Dennis

I was seven!

Woman

Uh, fu*k me! You're a fifty-year-old plumber from Sheffield. Your name's Dennis for fu*k's sake.

Dennis

It's Denise.

Woman

I am not calling you Denise.

Dennis

Again, transphobic, you see? If you loved me, you'd deal with it.

Woman

I do love you but I married Dennis Charlton and if that's no longer your name, then I'm not married to you.

Dennis

Right. Once and for all. I identify as an eight-year-old girl called Denise. Therefore, I am an eight-year-old girl.

Woman

Well, tell that to your c*ck and bollocks you silly c*nt. Everyone knows what's in your knickers, Dennis and if you're an eight-year-old girl then you've been shoplifting from the local fu*king butchers.