17 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of After Life (2019)

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Tony's brother-in-law, Matt wants to socialise. It'll be good for his marriage. And good for Tony. But Tony doesn't share his optimism as I'm fairly sure he made quite clear during this conversation.

Matt

Eat before you come and then we'll just, you know, have some drinks, put on some tracks, have a few laughs...

Tony

There'll be no laughter.

Matt

Seven thirty?

Tony

I'm usually on my second bottle of wine by then.

Matt

Okay, perfect. You can drink it round my place.

Tony

Right.

Matt

Yeah?

Tony

Okay.

Matt

Great.

Tony

If Emma's up for it.

[Sighs]

Matt

Thank you.

Tony

[As he's leaving]

Oh, fu*king hell.

Matt

I can hear you.

Tony

I know.

Matt

Well just wait until you're out of the office.

Irritating when you're at a zebra crossing (a cross-walk for our American visitors) and a car fails to yield. And I often feel like Tony. But, like him, I don't generally carry a brick with me. Sadly.

[As TONY and LENNY are about to cross the road, a car ignores them and drives straight through the crossing]

Tony

I... I hate that. He knew we were crossing the road but he had to save that ten seconds 'cause he's got such an important job as a full-time C*NT! I always wish I had a brick to put through the fu*king window.

Lenny

That'd be the last piece of the jigsaw, wouldn't it? You actually carrying a brick around with you. Hovering around zebra crossings.

Tony

Yeah, it'd be a social service. I'd be like Batman.

Lenny

But mental.

Tony

Yeah.

Brian just can't let go of his past. Or his ex-wife. It's eating him up inside. Not that you can tell from his latest joke. Funny but there's always a theme to his particular line of humour.

Brian

Here. Here's a new one. What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

James

Dunno.

Brian

Finding your ex-wife in Safeway's car park getting gang-banged by some Dutch lorry drivers. Yeah, finding a maggot in your apple's nothing after that, boy. Trust me.

Nothing worse than bumping in to your ex-wife and her new beau. Especially when he's a psycho named Micky the Gypsy. Nothing worse. Probably.

Brian

Still together, then?

Elizabeth

On and off, yeah.

Micky the Gypsy

She was shagging Spudhead for a while.

Elizabeth

He caught us at it, didn't you?

Brian

Awkward.

Micky the Gypsy

It wasn't awkward. Gave me the excuse to smash the granny out 'the c*nt. Bloodbath, weren't it?

Elizabeth

Proper mess.

Brian

It turned out quite well then, really.

Micky the Gypsy

You know me. I like to look at things in a positive way.

Brian

Yeah, I know you do, mate.

Elizabeth

My problem is, I just wanna try to please everyone.

Micky the Gypsy

She's a slag, mate.

Elizabeth

He knows.

It might be childish to adorn a snowman with a carrot for a penis but it's also very, very funny. As you're about to discover in this flashback to Lisa in her prime.

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[We see LISA putting the finishing touches to a snowman in one of TONY'S videos of her]

Lisa

Thoughts?

Tony

Best snowman ever.

Lisa

Snowperson.

Tony

Oh, yeah.

Lisa

Yep.

Tony

My bad. Could be either gender.

Lisa

Mmm-hmm.

[The camera angle lowers to reveal a carrot where the snowman's penis would be]

Tony

With a carrot for her massive c*ck.

Lisa

[Laughs]

Correct!

Tony

You hadn't thought it through. Picking me up on sexist language.

Lisa

It's a lovely c*ck.

[They both laugh]

Pat (the postman) is in a relationship with Roxy. Roxy is a prostitute. Even now. So whilst he's delivering the mail, she's receiving males. If you catch my very obvious drift.

[TONY answers the door to find PAT standing on the doorstep with a letter for him]

Pat

There you go.

Tony

Cheers.

Pat

All right?

Tony

Yeah good. You?

Pat

Yeah, good. Yeah, yeah. How's the dog?

Tony

How's the dog?

Pat

Yeah, yeah. Chilling on the couch I'll bet.

Tony

Yeah, she's... good.

Pat

Yeah, great. Great, yeah. Oh, ask me how my girlfriend is.

Tony

How's your girlfriend?

Pat

Good. Good, yeah. Yeah, being done from behind as we speak by Andy Norris, the Bookmaker.

Tony

Right.

Pat

See ya.

Walk a mile in their shoes. Isn't that what they say? But who'd want to walk a mile in Coleen's shoes? Not even Coleen, to be honest. Holy sh*t, if this doesn't make you feel better about yourself...

Matt

Oh, sorry, yeah. Um, uh... this is Coleen. Uh, the new intern. She's Sandy's replacement. This is Tony.

Tony

You all right?

Coleen

No, not really. I'm absolutely gutted. I'm starting at the bottom again. I worked my way up to management in my old job.

Tony

Where was your old job?

Coleen

At the Mini Mart but it went bust during the pandemic so... I've had to take anything. Even though the money's sh*t and I don't know what I'm doing.

Tony

Well, we're all in the same boat, then.

Coleen

Oh, really? Do you live with your alcoholic mum because your dad's in prison for beating up her brother who groped you?

Ken is an agent. Not to the stars. Not to Hollywood royalty. But to the good people of Tambury. And when Coleen mentions that she's in need of a place of her own, he says... well, this!

Ken

Look, if you're homeless, I've got a flat above my office.

Coleen

Oh, what... it's empty?

Ken

Yeah, I used it to audition the young lands. Wink, wink. Or rather wa*k, wa*k! If you get what I mean.

Tony

I think I know what you're suggesting.

Coleen

Yeah, he just... just said it!

As an adult, your mother walking in on you having a bath is second only to your mother walking in on you having a... you know. But for your friend to walk in, too AND look at your balls. Sheesh!

[JAMES is in the bath when, without so much as a courtesy knock, into the bathroom walks JUNE (his mother) and BRIAN]

James

WHAT?!

Brian

All right, boy?

James

Mum!

June

What, love?

James

I'm having a bath.

June

Good boy.

Brian

Bloody steamy in here, innit?

June

Yeah, I told him he has it too hot. Bad for his testicles. Makes you sterile.

Brian

Do you mind?

[As though it's the most natural thing in the world, BRIAN leans forward to look at JAMES' testicles]

Yep, they do look red, mate.

June

[Also leaning forwards to peer at her son's genitals]

Oh, yeah. Put a bit of cold on them, James.

James

CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT MY BLOODY TESTICLES? THEY'RE FINE.

June

You want some cake, Brian?

Brian

Oh, yes please. Thank you.

June

James?

James

I'M HAVING A FU*KING BATH!

June

Is that a yes or a no?

James

WHAT KIND OF CAKE?!

Ken is the landlord from hell. Coleen may be living in his bedsit and he may be lonely but that doesn't give him the right to breeze in and out as he pleases.

[KEN approaches the door to COLEEN'S room and begins trying the handle]

Ken

You've got the lock on.

Coleen

Yeah, I'm in bed.

Ken

It's Ken.

Coleen

Yeah, I guessed that.

Ken

I've had an idea for a new showbiz gossip piece called Careless Whispers.

Coleen

Okay, tell me tomorrow.

Ken

Yeah, it's basically a list of all the people I know who claim they've wa*ked off George Michael.

Coleen

Okay, I'm going to sleep.

Ken

Good idea though, i'nt it?

Coleen

Yeah.

Ken

Yeah. N-night then.

Coleen

Yeah, night, Ken.

Ken

What?

Coleen

Night, Ken.

Ken

Yeah, all right.

Tony and Lenny are in a café enjoying a spot of lunch. But Tony is having to contend with an overbearing father who's doing the whole "goo-goo-gaa-gaa" thing at an adjacent table.

Tony

There's no honour any more.

Father

Have you done a poo? A big farmyard poo?

Tony

Oh, for fu*k's sake!

Father

You okay?

Tony

Yeah, why?

Father

But you just said, "for fu*k's sakes," so...

Tony

What, and you assumed something had annoyed me? Like... someone making unnecessary noise?

Lenny

Oh, sh*t!

Father

Well, he's a baby.

Tony

Yeah, but he's not the one making all the noise, is he? You are.

Father

Yeah, well to keep him amused because if he was crying, that would annoy people wouldn't it?

Tony

No, it wouldn't. 'Cause he's a baby. You making all the noise is the annoying bit.

Father

They're just sounds. They shouldn't concern you. You know, you're talking to your friend, I'm talking to my child.

Tony

Yeah but you can't hear every word I'm saying, can you?

Father

Oh, so what? There's noise around. That's life.

Tony

Okay. Good point.

[TONY begins to playfully prod at LENNY, speaking in the same infantile manner]

Who's a noisy pr**k? You are. You big annoying pr**k?

Father

Well, that's pathetic.

Tony

Sorry, I'm just talking to my friend.

Father

Well, you're saying things that others don't want to hear.

Tony

So were you but you don't care so... uh...

[Resuming where he left off]

Yeah, you're a big, loud c*ck. Yes you are! You're a hipster gnome-looking fu*king twat! You big, annoying loud c*ck in public. You are. You're a c*nt. You are. You are, you're a c*nt. I'm gonna... gonna...

[He adds blowing raspberries to his repertoire, lifting LENNY'S shirt to blow one straight onto his belly]

Tony

You C*NT! You BIG FU*KING C*NT! YOU BIG FU*KING C*NT!

[Sitting back down and turning to the horrified father]

They're just sounds.

Some would say that Kath is shallow. Materialistic. And I would agree. Where is she going to find a man who matches the attributes on her list? Coleen's, however... 99.9% of men could apply.

Kath

Made a list for my perfect bloke. How tragic is that?

Coleen

Oh, yeah. I've done that. What's on yours?

Kath

Own car, house, own business, no kids, smart, you know... proper bloke. What was on yours?

Coleen

Must have a face and a c*ck.

Matt is driving Tony to Midlake to scatter his father's ashes. On route, Tony is enduring Matt's frankly appalling taste in music. Well, he does to a degree. But not all of the CDs make it there.

♪ Dancing in the Moonlight by Toploader ♪

Tony

[Ejecting the CD from the car's stereo]

Nah, that's enough of that.

Matt

Well, put something you like on, then.

Tony

Yeah, there's the challenge!

[TONY begins to peruse MATT'S selection of compact discs]

Will Smith, Willenium?

Matt

Yes, as in... the Millenium.

Tony

Yeah, the last time anyone bought a CD. Lighthouse Family?

Matt

Good band. I love the Lighthouse Family.

Tony

Susan fu*king Boyle.

Matt

Yeah. What?

Tony

Out she goes!

[TONY throws the CD out of the open window into the hedgerow]

Matt

What, eh... what... what are you doing?

Tony

Uh-oh.

Matt

Not Bublé.

Tony

Yes, Bublé.

Matt

No, no, NO! ARE YOU MAD?!

[The Bublé CD joins Susan Boyle's CD in the English countryside]

You could kill someone. Tony!

Tony

Radiohead.

Matt

That... that's not mine.

Tony

No, I know. It's good.

Matt

It's Jill's. Lisa got it for her.

Tony

Did she? Yeah, she loved them.

This is an awkward anecdote. Brian, filming his then wife down on all fours being done from behind by Roly Carter. His words. Not mine. Quite a vision though, huh? Would you excuse... I feel sick.

Brian

So she's on all fours and he's round the back door... doing her doggy-style. And I'm capturing the whole damn thing. She was absolutely fu*king loving it. I could see it in her eyes. And then Roly looks at me. Out of the blue, straight down the lens. And shakes his head. As if to say, "This is absolutely fu*king awful." I didn't know whether he meant the quality of the production or the rough carpet on his knees. Turns out he meant the smell of her growler.

Tony has just kicked Matt's ass on the tennis court. Not literally, of course. He beat him. God-only-knows by how many sets. They've returned to the office. Matt is defeated. Completely.

Lenny

Who won?

Matt

Well, he did, but -

Lenny

Really?!

Tony

Yeah.

Matt

Yeah. But obviously I can never go back there again. I mean, the language was appalling. You should have heard him effing and jeffing all over the place. He'd have been disqualified from Wimbledon.

Tony

Fu*king Wimbledon!

Matt

See what I mean?

Lenny

That's nothing. He was shouting at a bloke with a baby in the café the other day. Everyone looking. Calling him a c*nt.

Tony

For very good reason.

Kath

Why?

Tony

He was a c*nt!

Matt's quest to triumph over Tony at sport has led to a mild myocardial infarction on the squash court. He's in hospital, receiving comforting words from his brother-in-law. Well, sort of!

Tony

I'm just glad we're only related by marriage because I'd be embarrassed to share actual genetic material with such a mutant weakling.

Matt

Yeah, lovely. This is helping.

Tony

We've got to build you up.

Matt

Yep.

Tony

D'you know what I mean?

Matt

Hmm-mmm.

Tony

But slowly and carefully. Squash is way too dangerous for someone that modern medicine refers to as puny. Let's start on something like flower-arranging and work our way up to Hopscotch. Will you keep the dress afterwards?

Matt

It's not a dress.

Tony

Well, it is a dress.

Matt

It's a gown.

Tony

A gown is a dress. It's a little lady's dress. And they put you in something they thought you'd like to wear.

Matt

Do you want me to have another heart-attack?

Tony

No. Because they weren't sure, they -

Matt

If you keep doing this -

Tony

They said -

Matt

It will be murder, you know that?

Tony

They didn't know. They said, "Well, it's a lady isn't it? Hold on, check the genitals. Still no clue. Put it in a dress." Did they give you a smear test? They might as well. While they're here. They need to test... everything.

Matt

Can you -

Tony

Because you're -

Matt

I've just had a heart-attack. Stop making me stressed.

Tony

Calm down.

Matt

Will you please -

Tony

Calm down.

Matt

If I have another one, it'll be your fault.

Tony

How dare you, madam!

Matt

Have you not got somewhere else you need to be?

Tony

I have, actually!

How did you meet your partner? At a club? On a blind date? Introduced by friends? Or did he tell you an inappropriate joke that you didn't find funny? Do let us know.

Tony

How did you meet Stan?

Anne

I was on holiday with my mum.

Tony

Mmm.

Anne

It was a caravan park. And we met in the Club Room at a dance and... and then we went for dinner and he told me a rude joke. And I didn't laugh. And it made him feel bad. Fifty years later it still eats me up that I didn't laugh.

Tony

What was the joke?

Anne

What's the difference between a Rolls Royce and a dead prostitute?

Tony

Dunno.

Anne

I haven't got a Rolls Royce in my garage.

Tony

[Laughs]

Oh, good old Stan!