9 MP3 Audio clips from A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014)

PLAY ALL 9 CLIPS

Clip 1

Albert Stark is trying to talk his way out of a gunfight.

Albert

Okay, great. Thank you so much for your patience. I really appreciate it. And, you know, what a relief for all these people who came out here hoping that we would find an amicable solution to this, huh?

Onlooker

Oh somebody shoot some fu*ker. I took a half day off work for this.

Albert

Okay, I just want to point out that guy's an English teacher at our school.

Clip 2

Edward is devoted to Ruth. Ruth is a prostitute. She's getting down and dirty very loudly with a stranger upstairs.

Millie

Ah. Hi, Edward.

Edward

Hi, Millie.

Millie

You waiting for Ruth?

Edward

Yeah I got off work early so I thought I'd take her out for a picnic.

Millie

It sounds like she's just about done up there.

Ruth

[Very loudly from the upstairs room]

Shoot that dirty cowboy cum all over my face!

Clip 3

Albert is telling Edward and Ruth about the dangers of the Wild West. How everything that isn't you wants to kill you. And he illustrates his argument beautifully.

Albert

By the way, look at this. See those guys over there? The guys who work in the silver mines? See what they're eating? Ribs doused in hot sauce. They eat hot spicy foods every meal of the day. You know why? Because their palates are so completely fu*king dulled from inhaling poison gas twelve hours a day down in the mines. That's all they can taste. You know what that kind of diet does to your guts? Constipation, cramps, dyspepsia, liver disease, kidney disease, haemorrhoids, bowel inflammation. They literally die from their own farts.

[As if to prove his point, one of the men stands up, farts loudly and immediately dies, smashing through the table on his way to the floor]

Albert

And, oh, oh, you wanna see more death? All we gotta do is get up and walk out the front door.

[The trio make their way outside]

That... is our mayor. He is dead. He's been lying there dead for three days. No-one has done a thing. Not moved him, not looked into his death, not even replaced him with a temporary appointee. For the last three days, the highest ranking official in our town has been a dead guy. OH! LOOK AT THAT! Look at that. Wolves are dragging the body away as if to illustrate my point. Bye! Bye, Mr. Mayor. Bye. Have fun becoming wolf sh*t. Bye. GOD!

Clip 4

Edward has called in to see Albert, concerned that he's locked himself away from the world.

Albert

Ok. Look, here's the truth, all right? I just feel I need to stay here with my parents. You know, they're not gonna be around much longer. And, and I just wanna be able to give back all the love and affection that I got growing up. You know, right guys?

Albert's Father

[Farts]

Ow!

Albert

Oh. You getting the fart needles again, Dad?

Albert's Father

Never mind what I'm gettin'.

[Farts again]

Ow! That came out of my penis.

Clip 5

Anna is trying to boost Albert's self-esteem.

Albert Stark

Oh my God, please. I suck at sheep. Louise was right. I can't keep track of 'em. There was a sheep in the whorehouse last week.

Anna

Really?

Albert

Yeah. Wandered in there and then when I went to pick it up somehow it'd made twenty dollars.

[ANNA laughs]

Clip 6

Albert is facing his second duel, this time against Foy. Luckily, Anna has slipped a little something into Foy's drink the night before and he's facing a bad case of the Green Apple Splatters.

Foy

Well now. I didn't think you'd show, Sheepy.

Albert

Yeah. Listen, Foy, I -

[FOY begins staggering around as his stomach cramps and finally unleashes its payload noisily and uncontrollably]

Clip 7

Foy having defaulted on the duel owing to his rotten guts, Albert does the decent thing and lets Louise go in his own inimitable style.

Albert

So if you wanna spend the rest of your life with a pu**y full of hair I say go with God and best of luck to you. You know, I just realised that last joke might not have been clear. I didn't mean that she has a hairy pu**y. I meant that Foy has a moustache so you know, he gets hair in her when he goes down there.

Clip 8

Ruth has finally conceded and Edward is about to lose his virginity. Problem is, he's never seen a vagina before and is having trouble finding his way around.

Edward

Okay, here we go!

Ruth

Are you excited?

Edward

Yeah. This is my first vagina.

Ruth

You've never seen one?

Edward

No, I feel like I should have a piece of cake or something.

Ruth

Okay, ready?

Edward

Yeah.

Ruth

Okay.

[Exposes her vulva to him]

What?

Edward

Are you in pain right now?

Ruth

You don't like it.

Edward

No, I love it. Yeah.Yeah, it just, it's just... it looks like a firecracker wrapped in roast beef.

Ruth

Yeah but there's more to it. That's just the outside. There's folds...

Edward

Okay, I'm gonna close the bible now.

Ruth

Eddie, it's supposed to be like that.

Edward

It is?

Ruth

It's gonna feel good.

Edward

I'm really glad I didn't have that piece of cake. Oh okay... Okay. Ready?... Okay. Wow! Ohhhhh, okay, I get it. It's pretty big, right?

Ruth

Yeah, you're huge.

Edward

No, I meant you.

Clip 9

An excerpt from the narration at the beginning of the movie in which it's explained how life was hard in the Wild West.

Narrator

Hell, this was Miss America in eighteen-eighty. Holy sh*t!