14 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of The Inbetweeners (2008)

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On a school field trip, the boys hit upon the idea of renting a boat. Will decides to take charge of the boat but sadly dresses up a little too much for the occasion, much to the amusement of the others.

Neil

Oh my God, what does he look like?

Jay

Aye aye, permission to come aboard Captain C*ckwash?

One of the teachers leading the residential field trip the boys are on is… well, there's no point mincing words. He's a paedo. And Neil is firmly in the pervert's sights.

Will

Was that a dream or did that just happen?

Jay

That was your wet dream.

Will

No. It wasn't.

Neil

He rubbed my legs.

Jay

Well that's what you get for leading on paedos, you slut.

Will

Shouldn't we report him?

Neil

Well he did get us that Vodka.

Will

That's called 'grooming', Neil.

Neil

Is it?

Will

Yes.

Neil

Oh. Goodnight!

Simon has moved in on a girl that Will was interested in. He pretends not to be too bothered but it's obvious he's still stinging from the revelation.

Simon

You are all right with me seeing Lauren later aren't you?

Will

Yeah, of course.

Simon

She's pretty cool, actually.

Will

Is she?

[He loses his temper and shouts at the seagulls]

FU*K OFF YOU BEADY-EYED LITTLE SH*TS!

This conversation would never have taken place had Jay not squirted hair removal cream all over Will's pants as he slept.

Simon

You spunked your pants in the Common Room during the day when there were people around?

Will

Yes.

Simon

And then your pubes fell out?

Will

Yes.

It's Valentine's Day and the boys are comparing notes on cards they have and haven't received. Jay has clearly written quite a few to himself.

Jay

Roses are red, violets are blue, your dong is massive, I want to blow you. Love, your secret slut.

Neil

I didn't get none. I can't believe you got so many.

Will

Yes, it IS hard to believe.

Jay

Dear Jay. I've just baked you a finger pie, why don't you CUM, spelled C-U-M, and taste it.

Neil

Oh, mate. That's so horny. Who do you think it's from?

Simon

Your Dad?

Neil

Yep, funny.

Will

Let me look at these.

[He take the cards from JAY and reads one aloud]

Jay, you massive stud. Please, please spaff on my tits. From your valentine's b**ch.

Will has been thrown half-naked into a lake by the blokes at the garage at which he's on work experience. His Mum comes into school to meet with Mr. Gilbert and complain.

Mr. Gilbert

[Raucous laughter]

Will's Mum

I was hoping you'd be able to do something about it, Mr. Gilbert.

Mr. Gilbert

I'm sorry.

Will's Mum

I'd hoped you'd take this more seriously. He wrote to the paper especially to get work experience and instead I'm picking frog spawn out of his underpants.

Mr. Gilbert

Would you excuse me? Just... just for a second.

[He leaves the room and closes the door but he can still be seen and heard through the glass panel, laughing uncontrollably]

What was promised to be a wild party turns out to be full of pre-pubescent girls and boy band music. Jay remains optimistic. The others not so much!

Jay

Up to you. Still looks like there's some tidy minge here.

Will

Yes, it's tidy because there's no hair on it.

At a party, Simon exits the bathroom to find Carly standing in the hallway. As he awkwardly talks to her, Jay walks into the bathroom and then single-handedly extinguishes the flames of romance.

Simon

Oh Carly, hi.

Carly

Hi, Simon. How are you?

Simon

Good, yeah. Okay, yeah. Pretty awesome.

Jay

Jesus Christ, Simon. What the fu*k have you done in there? You been eating cat food again?

Jay, like most teenaged boys, spends an inordinate amount of time… enjoying his own company so to speak. But the movie he's watching when his mum interrupts him is certainly not 'normal'.

Jay's Mum

Jay. Neil's here for you.

Jay

What? He's early. Don't come in. I'm getting changed.

Jay's Mum

Are you okay?

Jay

It's just a film. It's just a normal film. I'm getting changed. Get out!

Will's complaints about his birthday soon lead to an entirely unexpected conversation about AIDS and having sex with monkeys.

Will

Oh God, what if my birthdays just get worse and worse from now on? What'll happen next year?

Jay

You get AIDS?

Will

I'd have to have sex for that to happen.

Neil

Or fu*k a monkey.

Will

Technically that still counts as sex.

Simon

Or... drink from the same cup as Neil's Dad.

Neil

Oi, my Dad does not have AIDS.

Jay

Oh your Dad is so AIDS. He's the one that gave it to the monkeys.

Neil

Take that back.

Jay

That's what the monkey said to him!

The boys are driving through the streets of London heading for a night club. The opportunity for hilarity presents itself.

Jay

Slow down a minute, Si.

[SIMON slows the car and it cruises past a queue of people at a bus stop]

Jay

BUS WA*KERS!

Simon

Where did that come from?

Will

Bus wa*kers!

Jay

I dunno, it just... felt right.

Will

You could see their little faces drop as they thought, 'We must be the bus wa*kers!'

The boys share a friendship so strong that even Will's choice of footwear isn't taboo when it comes to acceptable mockery.

Jay

You've got fu*king flippers on. What size are they?

Will

Size eight. My size.

Simon

Oh yeah, Ronald McDonald called... he wants his shoes back.

Will

There's nothing wrong with these. They're Italian.

Jay

[Feigning an awful Italian accent]

Hey! Where are my-a-flippas?

Will has been made the Duke of Edinburgh Award Representative for the sixth form. His enthusiasm isn't matched by Mr. Gilbert who just wants him out of his office.

Will

Me? The Duke of Edinburgh Representative for the entire year?

Mr. Gilbert

Yes.

Will

I am honoured, Sir. Thanks very much. Why me?

Mr. Gilbert

You're a virgin aren't you, McKenzie?

Will

Sorry?

Mr. Gilbert

A virgin. You haven't had full sexual intercourse.

Will

Um, no I haven't.

Mr. Gilbert

Well there's your answer. Now get out.

Will

Maybe we should arrange a weekly meeting just to check on my progress.

Mr. Gilbert

You can if you like but I won't be there.

Will

Or maybe I could compose a regular memo with how it's all going.

Mr. Gilbert

Okay. Why don't you drop that in my pigeonhole?

Will

Great. Where's that then, sir?

Mr. Gilbert

Any bin. Any rubbish bin you see in or indeed out of the school. Just pop all your thoughts in a rubbish bin and they'll get to me. Goodbye, McKenzie.

Some stories are so mortifying that the only acceptable reaction of your friends is laughter. And this story is beyond mortifying. And, sadly, true.

Will

It's a long story, Neil but the salient facts are these. Recently I've had a bit of a nervy tummy due to stress I think.

Simon

And all the energy drinks and Pro Plus.

Will

Perhaps. And in the exam I took a risk and it backfired. I went to fart... and instead... sh*t myself.