36 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of The Inbetweeners (2008)

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The Swanage field trip. It is, according to Jay, legendary for carnage. Not quite sure what he means by that but I can see he's going to be very, very disappointed.

Jay Cartwright

Morning, benders.

Neil Sutherland

All right.

Jay Cartwright

This is it. The Swanage field trip is legendary for carnage. It's the only reason I chose geography.

Will McKenzie

Seems a flimsy reason... unspecified carnage.

Paedo Kennedy. A teacher. A myth? No, it seems not. It appears that the school really do employ a paedophile teacher. That's going to turn this field trip to Swanage into a game of jeopardy, huh?!

Will McKenzie

Neil, what are you doing?

Neil Sutherland

Getting on the coach.

Will McKenzie

You don't do geography or sociology.

Neil Sutherland

I know that.

Will McKenzie

So what are you doing getting on the coach to the geography and sociology field trip?

Neil Sutherland

Oh, Jay was going on about how mental it all was, and I really, really wanted to go, so I asked Mr. Kennedy if I could come down and help him out.

Simon Cooper

Paedo Kennedy? He said yes, presumably?

Neil Sutherland

He did actually.

Will McKenzie

Who's Paedo Kennedy?

Simon Cooper

Geography teacher and paedo.

Will McKenzie

I don't believe the school would actually employ a paedophile.

Jay Cartwright

They have done.

Will McKenzie

The thing is, they haven't, have they?

Simon Cooper

He was caught in the music cupboard wa*king over the school orchestra.

Will McKenzie

When?

Simon Cooper

Before we started.

Will McKenzie

Convenient. What's he asked you to do?

Neil Sutherland

He's got to collect a load of samples down there.

Jay Cartwright

What, of your spunk?

Simon Cooper

Collected in his mouth.

Jay Cartwright

And hair.

Take a tip from me... if you're trying to impress a girl by doing a passable impression of Yoda, you deserve to be single and you definitely deserve to remain a virgin.

Simon Cooper

I'm Simon, by the way.

Lauren Harris

Hi, Simon.

Simon Cooper

Sorry about those two.

Lauren Harris

It's all right, I've a younger brother, so I'm used to it. Actually, he's eight, so he's a bit more mature, but you know...

Will McKenzie

Feisty one, you are!

Lauren Harris

What?

Will McKenzie

Feisty one, you are!

Lauren Harris

Why are you talking like that?

Will McKenzie

It was Yoda. From Star Wars. It's the same impression I was doing on the coach for about an hour.

Lauren Harris

Is that what that was? Oh, good. I thought you might, you know, have a problem.

Will McKenzie

No.

Lauren Harris

Or Asperger's, maybe?

Will McKenzie

Wrong again!

Lauren Harris

Have you ever been tested for anything?

Will McKenzie

Good one.

It's Will doing his impression of Yoda to impress Lauren Harris. Which would surely make a perfect message tone for anyone who's a geek or anyone who's particularly feisty. You're welcome!

Will McKenzie

Feisty one, you are!

Neil has been groomed by Paedo Kennedy. Not only has he taken him swimming in a pair of Speedos but he's bought him a bottle of vodka. This is going to end in a sore bottom, methinks.

Simon Cooper

Where have you been, Neil?

Neil Sutherland

Me and Kennedy went down to the beach and then went swimming.

Will McKenzie

Sorry?

Simon Cooper

Swimming?

Neil Sutherland

Yeah.

Will McKenzie

Just the two of you?

Jay Cartwright

Paedo Kennedy took you skinny-dipping?

Neil Sutherland

No. He gave me a spare pair of trunks.

Will McKenzie

What, Speedos?

Neil Sutherland

They were, actually.

Will McKenzie

I'm beginning to see what he gets out of this arrangement, Neil, but what's in it for you?

Neil Sutherland

[Producing a bottle of vodka from his bag]

This. He got me it from the offy.

Jay Cartwright

Nice!

Simon Cooper

Cool.

Will McKenzie

Sh*t!

Jay Cartwright

Now here comes some carnage.

Neil Sutherland

He said don't tell Gilbert, though.

Will McKenzie

Don't tell him about the inappropriate swimming or the planned sexual assault when you're drunk?

Neil Sutherland

Both.

Jay Cartwright

This is brilliant! We can all get well p*ssed.

Will McKenzie

It does mean that we're now pimping Neil out.

Simon Cooper

I'm cool with that.

Neil Sutherland

Me too.

Kennedy has struck. Luckily, Phil Gilbert is on hand to drag him out of the boys' dormitory before he tries anything more than massaging Neil's legs. Which, in itself, is pretty fu*king disgusting.

John Kennedy

Hello. It's only me, boys. Just on my way to bed, thought I'd check how you are. Swimming's tiring, are your legs tired?

Neil Sutherland

I think they're okay.

John Kennedy

Yes. Quick massage before bedtime. Tired legs.

Phil Gilbert

Come on, John.

John Kennedy

Rub down, shift the lactic acid.

Phil Gilbert

Not now, John.

Will McKenzie

Was that a dream or did that just happen?

Jay Cartwright

That was your wet dream.

Will McKenzie

No. It wasn't.

Neil Sutherland

He rubbed my legs.

Jay Cartwright

That's what you get for leading on paedos, you slut.

Will McKenzie

Shouldn't we report him?

Neil Sutherland

He did give us that vodka.

Will McKenzie

That's called "grooming", Neil.

Neil Sutherland

Is it?

Will McKenzie

Yes.

Neil Sutherland

Good night.

Will feels the same way about seagulls as I do. I hate them. With a passion. Noisy, aggressive, dirty and messy bastards. Endangered species? I don't fu*king think so!

Will McKenzie (Narrating)

Neil didn't seem too scarred by the night's events, unlike me.

Simon Cooper

You are all right with me seeing Lauren later?

Will McKenzie

Yes. Of course.

Simon Cooper

She's pretty cool. Isn't she?

Will McKenzie

Is she? FU*K OFF YOU BEADY-EYED LITTLE SH*TS!

The rumour of a MILF / GILF in Swanage with an appetite for "young meat" has led Jay to an ice cream stall and a very confused elderly lady who has just sold him a Cornetto.

Ice Cream Server

What can I get you?

Jay Cartwright

A Cornetto please.

Ice Cream Server

One Cornetto. Is that all?

Jay Cartwright

Do you wanna lick it?

Ice Cream Server

Sorry?

Jay Cartwright

My Cornetto... do you wanna lick it?

Ice Cream Server

That is kind. I've had enough ice cream today though, sweetheart.

Jay Cartwright

Oh, right, bit late am I?

Ice Cream Server

Do you want something else?

Jay Cartwright

Are you the woman who sucks schoolboys off?

Ice Cream Server

Sorry?

Jay Cartwright

Can you suck me off?

Will has gone the whole hog to impress new girl Lauren. He's hired a boat and dressed himself as Captain Birdseye which hasn't escaped Neil's attention.

Neil Sutherland

Oh, my God. What does he look like?

Jay Cartwright

Permission to come aboard, Captain C*ckwash.

Is it sadder that Will got no valentine's cards or that Jay spent the evening before it forging a big pile of them? I think I know the answer.

Will McKenzie (Narrating)

Wouldn't it be good to know exactly how unpopular you are with the opposite sex compared to your classmates? Well, luckily for me, someone invented Valentines Day, my favourite annual humiliation.

Jay Cartwright

"Roses are red,
violets are blue,
your dong is massive,
I want to blow you.
Love from your secret slut."

Neil Sutherland

I didn't get none. I can't believe you got so many.

Will McKenzie

Yes, it is hard to believe.

Jay Cartwright

"Dear Jay. I've just baked you a finger pie. Why don't you cum..." spelled C-U-M... "and taste it?"

Neil Sutherland

Oh, mate. That's so horny. Who do you think it's from?

Simon Cooper

Your dad?

Neil Sutherland

Yeah, funny.

Will McKenzie

Let me look at these. "Jay, you massive stud, please, please spaff on my tits. From your Valentine's b**ch. P.S. and on my face."

Neil Sutherland

That's my favourite, I like the way she remembered the face.

Will has been thrown into a river. Why? Because he was on work experience at a garage and was insulting towards the owner and the mechanics that work there. So, it was to be expected, really.

[PHIL GILBERT is laughing]

Polly McKenzie

I was hoping you'd be able to do something about it, Mr. Gilbert.

Phil Gilbert

I'm sorry.

Kevin Sutherland

Well, I just wonder what he said to them.

Polly McKenzie

I don't think he said anything, Kevin.

Phil Gilbert

Oh come on, we both know Will. He must have said something.

Polly McKenzie

He had to walk back through the town centre, sopping wet and barely clothed, Mr. Gilbert.

Phil Gilbert

Ha...

Polly McKenzie

I'd hoped you'd take this more seriously. He wrote to the paper especially to get work experience, and instead I'm picking frogspawn out of his underpants.

Phil Gilbert

Would... would you excuse me just... just for a second?

[PHIL GILBERT leaves his office, closes the door behind him and laughs extremely loudly]

Oh! God!

The boys have found themselves at an under-18s disco. Most of the clientele are a LONG way under 18, so there's slim pickings when it comes to girls. Most of them would land them on the register.

Jay Cartwright

Up to you. It looks like there's some tidy minge here.

Will McKenzie

Yes, it's tidy because there's no hair on it.

Is it just me, or is Jay obsessed with "bumholes"? It seems he's constantly preoccupied with the thought of sticking something into someone's rectum.

Simon Cooper

Fu*king hell, is that Louise Graham? She doesn't normally look like that.

Jay Cartwright

Oh, she'd definitely get it. Right in the bumhole.

Will McKenzie

Lucky girl.

The Sleeping Beauty, the Dead Hand Gang... these terms are familiar as they were around when I was at school. Everyone knew a kid who'd tried it and swore by it. I tried it. It was very disappointing.

Neil Sutherland

See ya later, Patrice.

Simon Cooper

He seems a bit weird. He asked if I've tried the "sleeping beauty".

Neil Sutherland

Oh, it's good that.

Simon Cooper

What, you know it?

Neil Sutherland

Yeah. You sit on your arm till your hand goes dead. Ten, fifteen minutes is normally enough. And then when you wa*k, it feels like someone else is doing it.

Will McKenzie

How do you know these things?

Jay Cartwright

Oh, everyone knows the "sleeping beauty", that's old.

Will McKenzie

Is it?

Jay Cartwright

Yeah, my mate's brother invented it. He and his mates used to be called the Dead Hand Gang.

Will McKenzie

They had a gang based on masturbation? Oh, there's nothing gay about that!

Jay Cartwright

Yeah, well he's in the air force now so how gay is that?

Will McKenzie

Still quite gay.

Jay is thinking of bringing his imaginary girlfriend to Will's dinner party. Why is Will having a dinner party? Because it's his eighteenth birthday. And because he's a d*ck.

Jay Cartwright

Maybe I'll bring my new fu*k buddy. That little barmaid from the Fox and Hounds.

Neil Sutherland

You've pulled a barmaid? Nice.

Will McKenzie

Has she got special dietary requirements? I've never cooked for an imaginary woman before.

Jay Cartwright

I know she's not allergic to nuts. My nuts.

Will McKenzie

Brilliant.

Jay Cartwright

Or my c*ck.

Will McKenzie

She only eats small portions, then?

Jay Cartwright

I didn't hear your mum complaining, although her mouth was full.

Your mother walking in on you wa*king. Probably not as bad as the other way around, thinking about it. Not that I'm thinking about it. Not THAT!

Will (Narrating)

Elsewhere on the internet, the dead hand gang was enrolling its latest recruit.

Mrs. Cartwright

Jay, Neil's here for you.

Jay Cartwright

What? He's early. Don't come in, I'm getting changed.

Mrs. Cartwright

Are you okay?

Jay Cartwright

It's just a film. A normal film. I'm getting changed. Get out.

Simon Cooper: Super Nonce. That's what Simon is in danger of being known as, having inadvertently approached two underage girls and invited them to a party. Oops!

Simon Cooper

Hi, there.

Girl

What did you fu*king say?

Simon Cooper

Erm, hello.

Girl

And what?

Simon Cooper

Um, I wanted to ask you to a party?

Girl

I'm thirteen.

Simon Cooper

Oh, right.

Girl

And she's eleven, you nonce.

Simon Cooper

Yep, there's been a mistake, so...

Girl

Like looking at little girls, do ya? Like getting them to parties where you can touch them, do ya?

Simon Cooper

No, God, no. Look, I'm going now.

Girl

Paedo! You fu*king paedo! Yeah, run, you paedo.

Simon Cooper

Fu*king hell, don't do that, Patrice.

Girl

I'm going to get my fu*king brother on you. That's it, run away, paedo boy. Keep going, paedo! Keep walking, you fu*king paedo!

Jay Cartwright

Nice one, Si.

Simon Cooper

Me? It was fu*king Patrice who wound them up.

Jay Cartwright

You tried to nonce them up.

Simon Cooper

I'm not in the mood for this, just warning you.

Jay Cartwright

Ooh, watch out, Uncle Simon might give me a special cuddle.

The oldest trick in the book. Wait for your mate to use the bathroom and then, when he re-emerges, accuse him of ruining the bowl and stinking the place out within earshot of his intended. Classic.

Carly D'Amato

Oh, hi, Jay, are you queuing?

Jay Cartwright

Yeah! I might p*ss my pants any minute.

Carly D'Amato

Oh.

Jay Cartwright

Won't be too long, been in there a while.

Carly D'Amato

Oh, right. So, didn't know you were friends with Louise.

Jay Cartwright

Oh, no, we're not, we climbed the fence. It's cooler.

Carly D'Amato

Right.

[The bathroom door opens and SIMON appears]

Simon Cooper

Carli, hi.

Carly D'Amato

Hi, Simon, how are you?

Simon Cooper

Good, yeah. Okay. Yeah, pretty awesome.

Jay Cartwright

Jesus Christ, Simon, what the fu*k have you done in there?

Simon Cooper

What?

Jay Cartwright

Have you been eating cat food again? Oh, God, you've left skids down the bowl too.

Simon Cooper

Carli, I didn't. I only went in for a p*ss.

Jay Cartwright

Oh, God, I can taste it.

Simon Cooper

Jay!

Carly D'Amato

I might go upstairs.

Simon Cooper

No, don't. It was a wee. It was only a wee! I promise I didn't leave skids!

Jay has been bullsh*tting so long, he's become brain-damaged. I mean, here is is trying to be his usual bawdy self, realises he sounds like an idiot, tries to backtrack and fails. D'oh!

Simon Cooper

Fu*king hell, I'm going on a date with Carli!

Jay Cartwright

It's not really a date.

Simon Cooper

I think it is.

Neil Sutherland

I reckon you're in there, too.

Simon Cooper

Me? Why do you think that?

Neil Sutherland

'Cos she touched her hair! In body language speak, that means she wants you.

Jay Cartwright

In London on Saturday night, there will be plenty of girls round me touching their hair.

Will McKenzie

Their pubic hair, presumably?

Jay Cartwright

No, their...long... no, yeah, their pubic hair.

Oh, Will. Although you were right to introduce a trainers ban for your night out in London, you should have taken a closer look at your own footwear before you criticised others!

Will McKenzie

Why are you wearing trainers, Si?

Simon Cooper

Because they look good.

Will McKenzie

I specifically said no trainers, not if we want to get into clubs.

Simon Cooper

Everyone wears trainers.

Will McKenzie

Jay hasn't got trainers on, I haven't got trainers on.

Jay Cartwright

You've got fu*king flippers on! What size are they?

Will McKenzie

Size eight, my size.

Neil Sutherland

Oh, yeah. Ronald McDonald called - he wants his shoes back.

Will McKenzie

There's nothing wrong with these, they're Italian.

Jay Cartwright

Hey! Where are my-a flippers?

It's that seminal scene where Jay shouts "BUS WA*KERS!" out of the car window for the first time. The only time they got away with it, as it turns out.

Neil Sutherland

I've thought about it, and I'd definitely rather fu*k Will's mum.

Will McKenzie

Are you sure, Neil? What about your sister's tight snatch?

Neil Sutherland

No, totally sure.

Will McKenzie

Well, that's good, then.

Jay Cartwright

Slow down a minute, Si. BUS WA*KERS!

Simon has had to borrow p*ss-soaked shoes from a tramp to get into the nightclub. Sadly, the odour hasn't gone unnoticed by his fellow patrons OR the girl he wants most in the world.

Carli D'Amato

I can still smell it.

Tom

It's following us.

Carli D'Amato

Simon, I'm not being rude, but I think that smell might be you.

Simon Cooper

Right. These shoes do kick up a bit.

Carli D'Amato

Jesus, what the fu*k is on your feet?

Simon Cooper

These aren't my shoes. I had to borrow them to get in.

Carli D'Amato

Who brings spare shoes to a nightclub?

Simon Cooper

No-one. I swapped them with a bloke outside the club.

Carli D'Amato

What was he, a tramp?

Simon Cooper

I think you're supposed to say homeless now.

Carli D'Amato

Sorry, you're wearing a tramp's shoes?

Tom

Mate, that is weird.

Simon Cooper

Yeah. Maybe.

Will never learns, does he? There's no point trying to engage with Mr. Gilbert. He hates him. He's not shy about saying so. There's no subtle undertone. It's really very fu*king obvious!

Phil Gilbert

The headmaster, in his infinite wisdom, has decided it would be a good idea for sixth formers to participate in the Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme. I'd like you to co-ordinate it.

Will McKenzie

Me? Really?! Duke of Edinburgh representative for the entire year?

Phil Gilbert

Yes.

Will McKenzie

I am honoured, sir. Thanks very much. Why me?

Phil Gilbert

You're a virgin, aren't you, McKenzie?

Will McKenzie

Sorry?

Phil Gilbert

A virgin. You haven't had full sexual intercourse?

Will McKenzie

Um...no, I haven't.

Phil Gilbert

Well, there's your answer. Now get out.

Will McKenzie

Maybe we should arrange a weekly meeting to check on my progress.

Phil Gilbert

You can if you like, but I won't be there.

Will McKenzie

Or I could compose a regular memo with how it's all going.

Phil Gilbert

Okay. Why don't you drop that in my pigeonhole?

Will McKenzie

Great. Where's that, sir?

Phil Gilbert

Any bin. Any rubbish bin you see in, or indeed, out of the school. Just pop all your thoughts in a rubbish bin, and they'll get to me. Goodbye, McKenzie.

If you're going to describe, in detail, what you suspect one of your friends might do should he get his hands on a pair of your mum's panties, it's probably best to check nobody can overhear first.

Will McKenzie

You are banned from going inside.

Neil Sutherland

Why?

Will McKenzie

Because you'll do something like steal my mum's knickers to sniff and then wa*k with.

Jay Cartwright

With?

Will McKenzie

Yes, with. And then you'll take great pleasure in telling me how you wrapped my mother's knickers round your c*ck and used the friction generated whilst thinking about her tits to make you come.

Pamela Cooper

Hello, Will.

Will McKenzie

Oh, hello, Mrs Cooper.

Does fancying old people make you an OAPaedo? Of course not. But it's funny to hear Jay make that accusation against Will who, let's face it, looks like he'd enjoy a wrinkly pair of tits.

Jay Cartwright

Yeah, it's important for you to spend time at an old people's home, because you're a paedo.

Will McKenzie

If I did fancy old people, which I don't, that would make me the opposite of a paedophile.

Simon Cooper

He is right.

Jay Cartwright

Well, then, he's an OAPaedo.

Will McKenzie

Brilliant.

Jay Cartwright

You're desperate for a gum job.

Will McKenzie

Am I?

Jay Cartwright

"Hello, I'm Will. Pop your teeth out, Doris, and have a little nosh on this."

Who wa*ks themselves into a coma at an old people's home? Jay Cartwright, of course. Okay, the coma bit was something of an exaggeration but who can even THINK of doing that there?

Neil Sutherland

There's a bedroom they cleared out this morning.

Jay Cartwright

Perfect.

Nail Sutherland

But someone died in it. What if it's haunted?

Jay Cartwright

It'll be covered in ectoplasm when I'm finished.

Neil Sutherland

'Cos of the ghosts?

Jay Cartwright

No, 'cos I'm going to spunk all over it!

For the record, pubes don't usually just fall out. In this case, Jay has squirted hair removal cream over Will's genitals as he slept, and he's wound up bald as a baby before a big date.

Will McKenzie

All my pubes have fallen out.

Simon Cooper

What?

Will McKenzie

I was asleep at school and must have had a wet dream 'cos it was all sticky...

Simon Cooper

You spunked in the common room?

Will McKenzie

Yes, but listen! I went home to clean up and all my pubes came off in the shower.

Simon Cooper

Sorry, you spunked your pants in the common room during the day, when there were people around?

Will McKenzie

Yes.

Simon Cooper

And then your pubes fell out?

Will McKenzie

Yes!

What's weirder: that Jay seems to enjoy wa*king in an old people's home, or that he tends to pop a finger up his bum whilst doing it? I'm undecided.

Jay Cartwright

I cannot believe that plum Will is gonna pay me for yesterday when all I did was watch TV and slope off for a crafty wa*k. I'm being paid to wa*k. It's my perfect job. And tomorrow, I get twenty quid to do it all over again.

Simon Cooper

You go to an old people's home and wa*k off? Doesn't that seem weird to you?

Jay Cartwright

Sometimes I even slip a finger up my arse while doing it.

Ladies don't use expressions such as "having the painters in", "having Aunt Flo to stay", etc. to describe their menstrual cycle. Which is why Carli couldn't understand Simon.

Carly D'Amato

This is really great of you, Simon. It's so hard to revise at the moment cos we've got the builders in.

Simon Cooper

Oh, right. Is that... is that a euphemism?

Carly D'Amato

Sorry?

Simon Cooper

You know, like, um... like having the painters in.

Carly D'Amato

Sorry, I... I don't really get it.

Simon Cooper

Oh, no. No, don't worry, it wasn't that funny.

Carly D'Amato

What did you mean? Come on, Simon, what does it mean?

Simon Cooper

Oh, just... um, "having the painters in" means being on your period, right? So when you said you couldn't concentrate 'cos you had the builders in, I thought that might be a euphemism for you being on your period.

Carly D'Amato

Right.

Twins that only wanted anal. Really, Jay? I mean, as far-fetched, outrageous and misogynistic bullsh*t goes, this one takes the prize, don't you think?

Jay Cartwright

Chloe's special.

Neil Sutherland

More special than them twins that only wanted anal?

Jay Cartwright

What, them? No, yeah, no - this is different. That was purely sexual.

Redbull might give you wings but drink enough of it and it'll also give me a bad case of the green apple splatters. If only Will had been able to heed this warning before engaging in risky revision.

Simon Cooper

How's your revision going?

Will McKenzie

Yeah, not bad. Got an excellent schedule sorted, colour-coded, and balancing my time well, got some drinks here to help, Pro Plus that sort of thing.

Simon Cooper

Right.

Will McKenzie

And nothing's fu*king going in! Nothing. I mean look at this... I must have read about the Accountability of Legislatures to Citizens fifty times and I still don't know what it means! I'm starting to doubt if "Legislatures" is even a word! It doesn't look like a word any more - none of them do. They just look like squiggles on a page! Is this a word?

Simon Cooper

Yes. Council.

Will McKenzie

Is it? It doesn't look right.

Simon Cooper

I think you probably need a bit more sleep, mate. And maybe lay off the power drinks a bit?

Will McKenzie

These are full of electrolytes which, if they exist, are good for my brain.

Simon Cooper

Think of your stomach though. Even one of those drinks makes my sh*ts come out too fast. I'm just saying. Like rusty water.

Jay is nearly eighteen. Surely he's learned by now that no good can ever come of asking his father for advice. The man's an absolute a**hole.

Jay Cartwright

Dad, can I ask your advice about something?

Terry Cartwright

What is it, woman trouble?

Jay Cartwright

Yeah, it is.

Terry Cartwright

That little piece you were with the other day?

Jay Cartwright

Chloe, yeah. There's this guy at school, right?

Terry Cartwright

So she's dumped you for this bloke? That's a lucky escape, I thought she was a fu*king pig.

Jay Cartwright

No, she hasn't dumped me, Dad. I think I love her.

Terry Cartwright

So you're back with the pig?

Jay Cartwright

Dad, we didn't split up and please don't call her a pig.

Simon has finally got Carli to kiss him. He did sacrifice his own academic career to pay for it but at least he came in his pants.

Will McKenzie (Narrating)

So, he'd finally worn her down. And Simon didn't know whether to come in his pants or text his friends. In the end, he did both.

I have a feeling that, after this mid-exam performance, Will has finally shed his "briefcase mong" nickname and acquired one that's far, far worse.

Phil Gilbert

What is it now, MacKenzie?

Will McKenzie

Sir, I need to go to the toilet.

Phil Gilbert

Again?!

Will McKenzie

Yes.

Phil Gilbert

Well, you can't.

Will McKenzie

I'm sorry?

Phil Gilbert

That will be the fourth time in a hour. You'll have to wait.

Will McKenzie

I'm pretty sure you can't do that, sir.

Phil Gilbert

If I have reason to believe you're cheating I can. And I do, so I have. Now get on with your paper.

[WILL noisly and violently sh*ts himself]

Will McKenzie

Oh, God, no. Phil. Phil! Oh, no. Phil...

Phil Gilbert

Oh, Jesus.

Will McKenzie

I thought it was a fart, sir. I thought it was safe!

Worse than having violently sh*t himself during an exam, Will now has to explain to his friends why he's having to carry his soiled pants home in a carrier bag.

Will McKenzie

It's a long story, Neil, but the salient facts are these:
Recently, I've had a nervy tummy, due to stress, I think.

Simon Cooper

And all the energy drinks and Pro Plus.

Will McKenzie

Perhaps. And in the exam I took a risk and it backfired. I went to fart and, instead, sh*t myself.

Simon / Jay / Neil

[Laugh]

And then, Will had to endure the indignity of his so-called friends calling him names (as clever as they are) referring to his explosive bowels in the exam hall.

Jay Cartwright

Well, at least they won't call you Briefcase Mong anymore.

Will McKenzie

That's good...

Jay Cartwright

No, they'll call you Sh*tpants Mong.

Neil Sutherland

Or Sh*tty Sh*tty Bang Bang.

Will McKenzie

Any more?

Simon Cooper

Wayne Pooney. Take Shat.

Neil Sutherland

Doctor Poo.

Jay Cartwright

The Lion, The Witch and The Specky Kid Who Sh*t Himself.

Simon Cooper

We can keep this up all summer, you know.

Will McKenzie

Brilliant. Looking forward to it.

Simon Cooper

Brad Sh*t.

Jay Cartwright

Bumlog Millionaire!

Will McKenzie

All right!

Simon Cooper

How about Vladimir Pootin?

Neil Sutherland

Who?