32 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of The Inbetweeners (2008)

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The Minge Mobile. An odd choice of name for the car that Jay is driving on the first day of term. Mainly because it's his mum's car.

Jay Cartwright

Morning, benders. Jump in the "Minge Mobile."

Will McKenzie

Strange thing to call your mum's car.

Neil has a point. But he's barking up the wrong tree. He's not about to become a dresser for the girls in a fashion show. His dressing room is going to be a sausage-fest.

Neil Sutherland

I'm well excited. Imagine the birds I'm going to see as a dresser.

Will McKenzie

It's not top international models, Neil, it's just girls from school that you see every day.

Neil Sutherland

Yeah, but I think I'd fancy them a lot more if I saw them naked.

I wonder how many people are rushed to the hospital each year with spinal injuries? Imagine that. Naked, bent double with your knees around your head. How would you explain your predicament?

Jay Cartwright

I'm first reserve.

Will McKenzie

What, in case the models fancy themselves so much they actually eat themselves?

Neil Sutherland

Oh, you would if you could, though.

Will McKenzie

What?

Neil Sutherland

Suck yourself off.

Will McKenzie

That's not what I meant.

Jay Cartwright

Yeah, but I bet you've tried it. We all have.

Neil Sutherland

I managed to lick the tip once, but it took a lot of stretching, twice a day for a couple of weeks.

Will McKenzie

Well, thanks for sharing, Neil.

What a surprise that one of only two volunteers to help dress the boys for the fashion show was John "Paedo" Kennedy.

Carli D'Amato

Oh, Neil? Do you know which boys you're dressing?

Neil Sutherland

Boys? I thought I was dressing the girls?

Carli D'Amato

No, of course not. You and Mr. Kennedy are dressing the boys. You were the only volunteers. See you later.

Neil Sutherland

Oh, no.

Simon Cooper

Paedo Kennedy? I suppose at least if you run out of space you'll be able to hang the clothes on the end of his erect c*ck.

Blah blah blah! Here goes Jay, again. This time he's regaling his friends with another bullsh*t tale of how he satisfied three women at once... in his parent's tiny caravan... while his parents slept.

Will McKenzie (Narrating)

Jay was full of helpful tips, and this morning's were about how to make the most of the space in your caravan.

Jay Cartwright

So I had one bent over the table here, there was one up here I was fingering, and I was just toe-fu*king the one on the floor.

Will McKenzie

Whilst your parents were sleeping in bunk beds just over there?

Neil Sutherland

It's amazing how good you are with birds, Jay.

Jay Cartwright

What can I say? It's a gift.

Jay's father might be a complete and utter a**hole, but at least he tells the truth.

Neil Sutherland

Jay was telling us about the birds he pulled in Norfolk.

Terry Cartwright

Oh, right, was he?

Jay Cartwright

You remember, right, Dad?

Terry Cartwright

Well, he's a total bullsh*tter, then, 'cause the only pu**y he's ever touched was his mum's when he fell out of it! See you later.

Like a postman with Tourette's. That's actually genius. Next time someone tells me they're going to "fu*king deliver", I'll use it.

Jay Cartwright

Look, when I say I'm gonna deliver, I fu*king deliver.

Will McKenzie

Like a postman with Tourette's.

Will has consumed some marijuana at a club. He feels like he's trapped in a bubble and everything's flat. In other words, he's high.

Will McKenzie

Please call an ambulance.

Jay Cartwright

I can't call an ambulance, because they'll bring the fu*king police and I'll get done for dealing. And with looks like this, if I go to prison, my anal virginity won't last a day.

Jay reckons he used to be a stunt rider who leapt over five lorries on Blue Peter. He also says that women cream their panties as soon as they sit on a motorbike. Hmm. Two words. Nanny McPhee.

Neil Sutherland

Motorbikes are cooler.

Will McKenzie

Until you hit a bus and kill yourself.

Jay Cartwright

Don't listen to Captain Sensible. It's the ultimate clunge magnet. It's a well-known fact: If you get a bird on the back of one, they just cream their knickers 'cause of the vibration.

Will McKenzie

Is it?

Jay Cartwright

Yeah. That's why there are no female superbike champions. They all get too horny and have to fud themselves off all the time.

Will McKenzie

Neil, how on earth is Jay allowed to ride your bike back without a licence or insurance?

Jay Cartwright

Don't sh*t your pants, Health and Safety. Neil can't cos of his arm, and the dealer's happy for me to take it, cos I used to be a stunt rider.

Will McKenzie

It rhymes with stunt.

Simon Cooper

Well, we know that's bollocks.

Jay Cartwright

Is it? 'Cause I can show you a DVD of me leaping over five lorries on Blue Peter, if you like.

Will McKenzie

Did you make it into The Guinness Book Of Fictional Records?

Jay Cartwright

Fu*k off.

Neil needs ten guests for his eighteenth birthday party. He has three friends, no girlfriend, and relatives don't count. What exactly is he going to do?

Neil Sutherland

How am I going to get ten people to come along?

Jay Cartwright

You just tell 'em your sister's gonna be naked, and your dad's promised not to bum 'em.

Neil Sutherland

Behave.

Jay just can't help himself, can he? Bullsh*t runs through his veins like blood. A blowjob... from the cleaner... when he was twelve. I don't have words.

Simon Cooper

Okay, so Kerry might not be the fittest girl ever, but she'll almost certainly give you a blow job if you stick with it.

Will McKenzie

God, I know. My head's telling me one thing and my c*ck another. It's a genuine dilemma. Is using her for sex totally unethical?

Simon Cooper

She's offering to put your penis in her mouth, not pay you to ask questions in Parliament. You'd like a blow job, wouldn't you?

Will McKenzie

Yes, obviously. Oh, God, this is a fu*king nightmare. And having Neil and Jay follow us around isn't helping. Are you going to come out, then? I can see you, you're not even hiding.

Neil Sutherland

Your new girlfriend's big, isn't she?

Will McKenzie

She's not my girlfriend.

Jay Cartwright

No, she's fu*king Canary Wharf!

Neil Sutherland

You can bring her to my birthday, Will.

Will McKenzie

Is that a joke?

Neil Sutherland

No, it'll help push the numbers up.

Simon Cooper

It'll push the height up!

Will McKenzie

Thanks, Simon.

Neil Sutherland

So, has she given you a blowie yet, then?

Will McKenzie

Here in Waterside? Oh, yeah, Neil, I've had two, one on the escalator and one in Nando's.

Neil Sutherland

Really?

Will McKenzie

No, Neil, not really.

Jay Cartwright

Are you gonna go for it, then? I mean, she's a freak, but there's nothing like a blow job.

Will McKenzie

And you'd know because you've had so many blow jobs.

Jay Cartwright

Yeah.

Neil Sutherland

When was your first, then, Jay?

Jay Cartwright

Long time back, many suck jobs ago now. Years.

Simon Cooper

Years ago? Bollocks!

Jay Cartwright

I got one off the cleaner when I was twelve.

Will McKenzie

Who was your cleaner, Gary Glitter?

Neil Sutherland

Was it good?

Jay Cartwright

It was brilliant, mate, I p*ssed right in her mouth.

Simon Cooper

What? Why would you do that?

Will McKenzie

Is that even possible?

Jay Cartwright

Yes, that's how you finish blow jobs? And she said I was the best she'd ever had.

Simon Cooper

Through mouthfuls of p*ss.

Will McKenzie

Before she had to get on with the hoovering.

Neil wasn't blessed with massive brains. He's generous to a fault but his naivety will get him into trouble one of these days.

Neil Sutherland

Oh, get a room.

Simon Cooper

Sorry, mate. Actually, can we use your room?

Neil Sutherland

Depends. What for?

Simon Cooper

What do you think?

Neil Sutherland

You've lost me.

Simon Cooper

I want to spend some time alone, and not in your kitchen, with Tara.

Neil Sutherland

Oh, right, time together, yeah? What for?

Simon Cooper

Neil!

Neil Sutherland

Oh, right, that. Go on, then.

Simon Cooper

Cheers, mate!

Neil Sutherland

Oh, try not to spunk on the sheets! Do you want any more crisps, Gran?

Dirty talk can really enhance a sexual experience. If you're good at it. Simon really isn't any good at it. Not good at it at all.

Simon Cooper

Um, is this like dirty talk?

Tara Brown

Yes, Simon, just try it, it's naughty.

Simon Cooper

Okay. Um, well... I'd like to kiss your boobs.

Tara Brown

Good, see? I like that.

Simon Cooper

Okay, well... God, my... penis is really hard for you.

Tara Brown

And what are you going to do to me?

Simon Cooper

I'm going to fu*k your fu*king fanny off, you twat!

Tara is in her boyfriend's small yellow car, sat in the back because his friend called shotgun and she's sat next to Neil whose farts smell like death. She's loving this trip to Warwick.

Tara Brown

Well, thank you, Neil, I'm sure my sister will appreciate it.

Neil Sutherland

Yeah, I know what she wouldn't appreciate...

[Farts]

Jay Cartwright

Oh, no, Neil, you haven't?

Tara Brown

What?

Will McKenzie

Unbelievable.

Tara Brown

Oh, my God, that stinks!

Simon Cooper

Neil, have you farted again?

Neil Sutherland

Not sure. Could be fart, could be worse.

Simon Cooper

Oh, for fu*k's sake, open a window!

Will McKenzie

You need to see a bowel specialist.

Jay Cartwright

Or he could ask his dad. He likes inspecting men's anuses.

Tara Brown

Oh, I feel really ill. Simon, can you pull over?

Neil Sutherland

Oh, calm down, it was only a Sausage and Egg McMuffin.

Tara Brown

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Neil Sutherland

[Farts]

Oh, there's the hash brown.

Will McKenzie

Jesus Christ!

Tara Brown

Will someone please open a window.

It looks like Simon might finally lose his virginity. Tara is up for it, her sister is facilitating it... what can possibly go wrong? It's all systems go, Simon.

Sophie Brown

Right, well Christian's away, so I suppose those three can sleep in his room. I'll share with Heike, although she's got the flu. That'll mean me catching it. Tara, you and him can have my room.

Tara Brown

Thanks.

Sophie Brown

I'm not liking the idea of you having sex at all, but at least I know you're doing it somewhere comfortable.

Simon Cooper

Oh, absolutely. Only in her vagina.

Sophie Brown

I meant in my bed.

Simon Cooper

Um, so did I...?

Jay Cartwright

Why did you say "vagina", then?

Simon Cooper

Hmmm.

Jay reckons he knows THREE things about European women. And he's wrong on every count. Most of them are tame in the bedroom, most of them shave and they LOVE their curtains.

Neil Sutherland

Fu*king hell, she's fit.

Jay Cartwright

Yeah. She looks like she loves c*ck.

Neil Sutherland

Do you have to do it different with a Dutch bird?

Jay Cartwright

There's three things you need to know about European birds, Neil. They're filthy, they're hairy, and they don't mind if you wipe it on the curtains.

Tara is a little intense for Simon. In fact, she's a little too intense for most men. Even Hitler himself would have thought to himself, "Mein Gott, diese Frau ist intensiv!"

Tara Brown

Simon, are you coming?

Simon Cooper

Yeah, one minute, I just need to sort this out.

Tara Brown

God! Fine!

Jay Cartwright

If she fu*ks like she complains, you're in for a treat.

This clip really doesn't need a synopsis. It does what it says on the tin. It's Simon, masturbating into a sink whilst inhaling the panties of his girlfriend's sister. Nothing unusual there, then!

Will McKenzie (Narrating)

So Simon chose Jay's advice over mine and, as a result, was now masturbating into a sink whilst inhaling his girlfriend's sister's knickers.

Simon would like Tara to put the condom on him with her mouth... or bum. How is she supposed to put it on with her b... oh, right. Yeah. I see.

Tara Brown

Are you ready? It doesn't look ready.

Simon Cooper

No, I'm fine. I just think it would help my, y'know, readiness a bit if you put it on with your mouth.

Tara Brown

With my mouth?

Simon Cooper

Or bum.

Part of the reason for Simon's impotence could be him punching himself repeatedly in the penis, screaming at it and calling it a c*nt. That's going to take the heat out of any situation.

Simon Cooper

Every time I don't want one, it's there, and yet the one time I actually need it. Nothing!

Tara Brown

Okay, you're scaring me now.

Simon Cooper

Just work, you stupid fu*king thing. Get big! Get big!

Tara Brown

Simon!

Simon Cooper

Why aren't you doing it?! Do it! Get big! Oh, please just work, you ugly c*nt!

Tara Brown

Simon, stop it!

Benji, the Cartwright family dog won't let Jay wa*k in peace. And as we all know, Jay's main pastime is beating his meat. Something has to be done before his balls explode.

Will McKenzie (Narrating)

Jay was into some pretty weird stuff, but even he drew the line at letting the family pet stare at his penis.

Simon Cooper

Why didn't you just shut him out the room?

Jay Cartwright

I tried that, but he goes mental, scratches at the door and howls. That's even more distracting.

Simon Cooper

Or you could take him to a dog training class?

Will McKenzie

I think they teach more, "Sit, stay, beg," not, "Stop watching me wa*k, you're putting me off."

Imagine Will's mum, Polly, being pounded by all 6'8" of Phil Gilbert. His sweaty forehead looming down over her as he crushes her ribs to dust. Yeah, that's what Will's now imagining, too.

Will McKenzie

No parties and no imaginary orgies. That's the last thing I need. It's bad enough my mum's now practically internet dating.

Phil Gilbert

McKenzie? Did you just say your mother is internet dating?

Will McKenzie

Sort of.

Phil Gilbert

Interesting. I'm single at the moment, and she is very much my type.

Will McKenzie

Okay...

Phil Gilbert

Maybe you could set me up with her, and then who knows? If things go well, you could end up calling me "Daddy."

We Cum Tit Village. Those four words should be enough to explain to any Inbetweeners fan what this clip is all about.

Phil Gilbert

As I'm sure you're aware, there's been a spate of vandalism recently, culminating in someone adapting the flower display by the main road so that it now reads, "We cum tit village."

Will McKenzie

[Scoffs]

Phil Gilbert

You think that's funny, do you, McKenzie?

Will McKenzie

Well, a bit.

Will is a little discriminatory when it comes to houseguests. He'd rather they didn't ejaculate under his mother's underwear, and I say that's fair enough.

Jay Cartwright

Tell you what, Briefcase, I need a night away from the dog, so if you're going to be scared, I'll stay round. I won't charge. I just need some baby lotion and access to your mum's knicker drawer.

Will McKenzie

Well, it's a lovely offer, but I think I'll pass.

Hmm. Will might have a problem on his hands here. Because his mother's panty drawer seems to attract teenage boys like a magnet attracts iron filings. They'll be a queue to wa*k over her smalls, soon.

Jay Cartwright

How come he can fu*king stay and I can't?

Will McKenzie

Well, mainly because he's not planning to ejaculate over my mother's underwear.

Neil Sutherland

I ain't promising nothing.

People ask me why I'm not on Facebook. My answer? This. This sort of sh*t. Getting hacked, getting fraped. Having my status changed to something funny but demeaning. That's why.

Jay Cartwright

We haven't done anything, have we, Si?

Simon Cooper

No. We haven't been anywhere near your Facebook page.

Will McKenzie

For fu*k's sake, what have you done? Oh, you've changed my profile pic to a fat, naked man and you've changed my status to, "Will is fingering his cat". Presumably, you've changed the password too?

Jay Cartwright

Yep. Do you like the picture? The knob's a bit big, but other than that, it's definitely you.

While his mum's in the bed of a ginger man known only as "Fergus", getting ridden raw, Will is trying to resist his friend's insistence that he should attack some daffodils with a golf club.

Will McKenzie

What would my mum say if she found out I was involved?

Jay Cartwright

I know what she's saying at the moment.

Will McKenzie

Do you?

Jay Cartwright

Yep. "Ooh, Fergus, ooh, Fergus, fu*k me harder, in the mouth. Now quickly, get it in my arse, Fergus."

Neil Sutherland

[Laughs]

Dysfunctional. I think that words sums up the family lives of the four friends. I mean, take Neil for example...

Neil Sutherland

All right, calm down, you're not the only one with problems.

Simon Cooper

Really? What problems do you have, Neil?

Jay Cartwright

Bent old man, wants to fu*k own sister, Mum did a legger.

Neil thinks he may have got a colleague at the supermarket pregnant. He needs advice but he doesn't know who to go to. Here's a hint, Neil... not your friends.

Will McKenzie

Have you told anyone else about this?

Neil Sutherland

Nah. I mean, I can't really talk to my dad, can I?

Jay Cartwright

What, 'cause he's never seen a woman's fanny?

Neil Sutherland

Shut up! He's seen my mum's!

Jay Cartwright

Well, that don't count, everyone's seen your mum's.

Neil Sutherland

Fu*k off!

Simon, in desperation, has climbed into the D'Amato residence to clear things up with Carli and perhaps make sweet love to her. Sadly, he's climbed through the wrong fu*king window.

Simon Cooper

Carli, it's me, Simon. What was it you wanted to say? Was it about making love?

Chris D'Amato

Daddy?

Simon Cooper

No. Sleep.

Chris D'Amato

What's happening?

Simon Cooper

Just shush your little fu*king mouth.

Chris D'Amato

You're not my daddy!

Simon Cooper

Oh, bollocks!

Chris D'Amato

Mummy! Daddy!

If you've never played that game where you swap phones with your friends and send texts to someone in their phonebook... DON'T. As Will rightly says, no good can come of that whatsoever.

Jay Cartwright

Look, if you want to play a game, I've got a proper game, not a sh*t one. Though thinking about it, you lot might be too pu**y to play.

Neil Sutherland

It's not that game that you used to play with your weird neighbour in his shed, is it?

Jay Cartwright

Well, that never happened.

Neil Sutherland

Yeah, you told me about it years ago. Just after he moved away.

Jay Cartwright

No, I never. Shut up, you knob. Right, to start with, you all have to swap phones.

Neil Sutherland

Now what?

Jay Cartwright

Now you text someone in their phone book. So, like, you've got Will's phone, yeah? So when you text someone, they'll think it's from him. The only rule is you can write whatever you like and no-one can stop you.

Will McKenzie

I just want to say, for the record, there's no way anything good can come out of this.

Jay Cartwright

Ready? Go.

Will McKenzie

I've only got five numbers in my phone, and three of them are you lot, so do your worst.

Neil Sutherland

Well, as long as one of the others is your mum, you're still in trouble.

Will McKenzie

Neil, come on, that's too much.

Simon Cooper

I think that is literally the point of the game.

Will McKenzie

Oh, fu*k.

Jay Cartwright

Right, gays, finished? That's it, send 'em. Right, so I wrote, from Simon's phone to Carli, "Carli, I love you from the bottom of my c*ck..."

Simon Cooper

[Groans]

Jay Cartwright

"...The thought of leaving you is making me cry..."

Simon Cooper

Better.

Jay Cartwright

"And I'm using those tears as lube to wa*k with."

Simon Cooper

Right.

Will McKenzie

Don't worry, Si, I texted Jay's dad and wrote, "Dad, I'm just thinking about you."

Jay Cartwright

Oh, that's all right.

Will McKenzie

"I'm in the bath and I'm hard."

Jay Cartwright

Fu*king hell.

Simon Cooper

Neil?

Neil Sutherland

Fairly standard to Will's mum. "Mum, it's been seventeen years, but I'd love to have another go on your big old tits."

Will McKenzie

Oh, no.

Neil Sutherland

"Then I'd like to smash in your back doors, brackets anus."

Will McKenzie

So it'll come up that I've sent her a text, she'll think, "Good, he's just letting me know he's got there safely," and then she'll read that?

Neil Sutherland

Yep.

Will McKenzie

Right then, Si, what did you send to, I presume, Neil's dad?

Simon Cooper

You presume wrong. I've gone for a slightly different flavour. I've written to the soon-to-be mother of his child.

Neil Sutherland

Oh, what?

Simon Cooper

At least that's who I guess Saucy Asda Karen is?

Neil Sutherland

It is.

Simon Cooper

Good, 'cause I've written, "Karen, I love you and love that you are to be the mother of my child. Marry me?"

Neil Sutherland

Fu*king hell.

Jay Cartwright

Brilliant.

What is it about seeing people puke that makes you want to puke, too? Now imagine being in a four-man text when everyone around you is barfing up their sausages. Nightmare.

Neil Sutherland

[Vomits]

Will McKenzie

Fu*king hell, it's in my hair!

Neil Sutherland

I think it's the sausages.

Jay Cartwright

Oh, I've got to get out. I've got to get out!

Simon Cooper

Oh, God, the smell. It always makes me puke.

Will McKenzie

Don't puke in here.

Simon Cooper

Oh, no.

[Vomits]

Will McKenzie

Oh, you have.

Neil Sutherland

I don't feel well.

Jay Cartwright

Oh, sh*t, the smell. Oh, God, doublepuke!

Will McKenzie

Get the fu*king tent open, Jay!

Jay Cartwright

I can't find the zip! I can't find the zip! Oh, no.

[Vomits]