27 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of The Office (UK) (2001)

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David has decided to employ a woefully under-qualified man in the warehouse. He just needs to run it past the Warehouse Manager, Sammy. So he calls him...

David

Sammy, you old slag. It's the Brentmeister general. Have you advertised the forklift driver's job? No? Good. Don't bother. I've got the man here. He's perfick. We'll get a CV over to you this afternoon. I'm seeing you Sunday, aren't I? For my sins. How is Elaine? She left you yet? Yeah. All right. See you then.

[Hangs up]

She has left him. I forgot about that.

David has a habit of saying completely inappropriate things. Mainly to women. And this morning, it's Dawn's turn to be shocked, offended and creeped out.

David

The lovely Dawn. Dawn Tinsley. Receptionist. Been with us for ages, haven't you?

Dawn

Yeah.

David

I'd say, uh, at one time or another, every bloke in the office has woken up at the crack of Dawn!

[Laughs]

Dawn

What?!

With friends like Chris Finch, you don't need enemies. Imagine being in a meeting with your boss when this hideous voicemail gets left on your machine...

David

Is there a time limit on -

[Phone rings]

- let it go to answering machine.

Outgoing Message

Hi, mate. Not around at the moment, so please leave a massage.

[Answering machine beeps]

Chris Finch

All right, Dave, it's the Finch.

David

Chris Finch. Bloody good rep.

Chris Finch

Hear you've got a hangover, you big poof.

David

Ah, that's derogatory. That's a shame.

Chris Finch

Give us a call. Hey, you're in with that Jennifer what's-her-face, today, aren't you? Give her one for me, son.

David

Ah...

Chris Finch

Cheers, big ears.

David

Awful. Awful man.

Chris Finch

And you can stop looking up her skirt.

Jennifer

David?

David

I wasn't!

Gareth. I think we can all agree that he is both a "twat" AND a "knob-end", can't we? I mean... as adjectives go, they're perfect.

Tim

You're a twat, Gareth. You're a twat and a knob-end.

Gareth

I'm still not listening, so it's not offending me, so...

Tim

Right. Okay. So you won't hear this. You're a c*ck, you're a c*ck, you're a c*ck! You're a c*ck!

It's time to impart some potentially devastating news to the team at Slough. And David does it in his own inimitable style.

David

Head Office have deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me, and Jennifer is talking of either downsizing the Swindon branch or this branch.

[ALL muttering]

Malcolm

And are you going to let her?

David

No, Malcolm. 'Cause you didn't see me in there with her.

Gareth

For his eyes only!

David

I said, "If Head Office try and come here and interfere, they've got me to contend with." Okay? "You can go and fiddle with Neil's people, but I'm the head of this family. You're not going to fiddle with my children. I am, if anyone does."

What is David most proud of? Increasing profit? Cutting expenditure? No. It was being asked to be Godfather to an employee's child. Before he sacked him, that is.

David

What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people. Investment in people. Yeah? My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profit by seventeen percent or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. There was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went, "Mr. Brent, will you be the godfather to my child?" So... didn't happen in the end. We had to let him go. He was rubbish. He was rubbish.

David is introducing the team to Donna, the daughter of his best friends Ron and Elaine. She's staying with him and learning the ropes at Wernham Hogg.

David

Finally, this young lady is Donna. Uh...

Donna

Hello.

All

Hello.

David

Daughter of my best friends Ron and Elaine. She's lodging with me, uh... so she's my responsibility, and her dad's not only a copper but he's a bloody big bugger, isn't he? So, hands off.

Rep

I've got something she could take down in evidence!

David

Oh, don't worry about this lot.

Keith

Do you want to receive some swollen goods?

[ALL laugh]

Rep

Wouldn't mind escaping up her tunnel!

David

Get out! Get out. I mean it.

When Gareth arrives for work one morning sporting a mobile phone in a shoulder holster, Tim can't help himself. It's a prime opportunity to take the p*ss out of his idiotic colleague.

[GARETH arrives for work wearing his mobile phone in a shoulder holster]

Tim

Gareth, have you got a licence to carry that?

Gareth

Portable phone. All right? Can you swap places with Donna, please?

Tim

No. I'm not moving.

Gareth

Do as you're told.

Tim

Why, what are you going to do, phone me?

Gareth

I am team leader.

Tim

I don't give a monkey's...

Gareth

You're so immature.

Tim

If there's one thing that I am not, mate, it is immature.

[TIM dials a number on his desk phone]

Gareth

Immature little tosser.

[GARETH'S mobile phone rings and he answers it]

Gareth Keenan.

Tim

C*ck!

Every boss experiences practical jokes from time to time. But in this case, it's excruciating. Because David is about to inadvertently show a young girl a pseudo-image of himself enjoying bukkake.

David

We're all, uh... online here. Hooked up... to the world wide web. Internet. No shopping. Um, everyone's got, um... email. Have you used email before?

Donna

Yeah.

David

Yeah. It's easy, isn't it? Um, I'll just show her on here. All you do, you see where it says "New mail"? Just go to that. Just click on that.

[DAVID gasps and DONNA laughs]

No. No, it's not... Yeah. It's not funny because Donna should not have to see me as a woman with two men doing that all over me.

Censorship of the internet. It's a divisive subject. And as for women being punished for having big boobs... yeah, I know but it'll make sense when you hear this clip!

David

We've got access to the internet, yeah? But it is not censored. Is that a good or a bad thing?

Gareth

Bad.

David

Well, it's not for us to say. All I know is I can type in "sex...fetish." Yeah? It takes a little while. Two thousand two hundred and thirty matches. Yeah? Just click on one at random. Oh... "Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs." Now, you do not punish someone, Dutch or otherwise, for having big boobs.

Donna. Strictly off-limits for the men at Wernham Hogg. Because David has decreed that none shall touch her. And, as you know, what David says goes. Right?

David

Donna. Yeah? My responsibility. Away from home. I know boys will be boys. Word from the top is...

Gareth

Hands off.

David

Yeah.

Gareth

Out of bounds.

David

Yeah.

Gareth

Look, but don't touch.

David

What do you mean by look?

Gareth

Talk to her, be friendly, don't get any ideas.

David

Yeah. Good.

Gareth

Fine. What if she's up for it?

There's nothing worse than someone who can't tell a joke. Well, no. That's not strictly true. There are worse things but it is particularly annoying, isn't it?

David

Have you heard, um... oh, have you heard, uh... Michael Jackson's new song he's doing? He's teamed up with West Ham football team, apparently. Yeah. Doing I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles! The chimp. She doesn't know about football. Tell her later. Have you heard, um... George Michael's latest release?

Tim

No.

David

No. George Michael's latest song. It's his release, though... that's the...

Tim

Is it about blow jobs?

David

Yeah, the thing in the toilet. It was a hand job.

Tim

Right.

Donna

Is it Wa*k Me Off Before You Go Go?

[ALL laughing]

David

Um... what's white and slides down toilet walls?

Tim

I don't know.

David

Michael Jackson's latest release. George Michael's. Yeah.

Gareth has been assigned to investigating the origins of the pornographic image of David. He takes his job very seriously. And first to be interviewed is Donna.

Donna

Sorry, what's this about?

Gareth

About the picture of David with the two blokes jizzing on him.

Donna

Were they both jizzing on him? I thought he was sucking one of them off.

Gareth

I don't think...

[GARETH checks a hard copy of the image]

No, look, it's just jizzing.

It's Gareth's turn to provide a monologue to the camera. This one all about office romances. And homophobia. Of course.

Gareth

Yes, I've had office romances. Loads. Not here, another place I worked at. Good-looking ones as well. But they're not a good idea, office romances. It's like sh*tting on your own doorstep. I've had loads of offers here, but I go, "No way." Distracting. And that's actually one of the major arguments against letting gay men into the army. And I haven't got a problem with that. You know, a gay man's not going to put me off. I can handle myself. But if we were in battle, is he going to be looking at the enemy or is he going to be looking at me going, "Oooh"? You know? "He looks tasty in his uniform." And I'm not homophobic, all right? Come round, look at my CD collection. You'll find Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They're all bummers.

And now Tim and Dawn are in the firing line. Not literally, of course. Gareth just doesn't have that level of authority. Although he likes to think he does.

Dawn

What do you want, Gareth?

Gareth

I've been assigned to find out who did the picture.

Tim

Right. Who was it?

Gareth

Well, I don't know.

Tim

Will you get fired?

Gareth

Will I get fired?

Tim

If you don't know who did it.

Gareth

Well, I'm finding out now. I'm doing investigations now. Was it one of you two?

Dawn

Yes. Christ, you're good.

Gareth

Was it?

Dawn

No!

Gareth

Nah, I knew it wasn't. Listen. I'm not going to fire you if you know anything because -

Tim

- you couldn't.

Gareth

I could.

Tim

How would that work?

Gareth

I would say, "You're fired. Clear your desk and -"

Tim

- I would say, "You don't have the authority." But go on.

Gareth

Not true, not true. Because in this room, I have special -

Tim

- needs?

Gareth

No. I am a special -

Tim

- needs child?

Gareth

No, and that's not even funny. All right? I won't have you fired because -

Tim

- you couldn't.

Gareth

Right, that's all.

Tim

Thank you.

A visit to the warehouse has left Jennifer slightly shocked at the total lack of respect shown towards her by the idiots that work there. And it's about to get ten times worse.

Jennifer

I just can't believe their total lack of respect.

David

Yeah, yeah. Not only did they undermine you in an authoritative sense -

[GARETH knocks on the door]

- come in, Gareth. But they left an image in my mind of you, naked on all fours, being quite literally done doggie-style.

Jennifer

David!

Any phone call to Chris Finch will result in a joke. Almost always a bad one and always questionable in content.

David

Finchy! Brent. All right? Don't forget tonight. Yeah, oh, here we go. Straight away. Go on, go on. "What's black and slides down Nelson's Column?" Don't know. "Winnie Mandela?" Oh. Oh, yeah.

As inappropriate but amusing birthday presents go, this has got to take the prize. I mean, who doesn't need a huge, inflatable, anatomically correct penis in their life?

[TIM is opening a large birthday present given to him by DAWN and LEE]

Tim

Exciting. It's a huge inflatable c*ck. God!

Lee

You can sit on that if you like.

Tim

Yay!

Lee

It's not just from me, mate, that's from Dawn as well.

Dawn

God! You haven't got one already, have you?

Tim

Um, no. You can never have too many, anyway.

Dawn

And you do prefer it to the money?

Tim

Yeah. I'd have only spent it on a huge inflatable c*ck!

Innunendo. It's such a uniquely British skill. Turn any conversation into something plain filthy and amuse yourself at someone else's expense. Or Gareth's, to me more precise.

Gareth

You can't come in here. Quiz officials only.

Tim

What are you doing?

Gareth

I'm the quizmaster, ain't I? I'm doing the questions. Get out now, or I'll report you. Simple as that.

Dawn

Are these the questions?

Gareth

Yeah, do not look at those! Right. Disqualification. You're both disqualified.

Tim

Um, Gareth, we're having an argument. We need your help.

Gareth

Yeah, not interested.

Tim

Well, no, listen. 'Cause you can help.

Gareth

No, I don't want to help. I haven't got time to help, all right?

Tim

Well, um... it's about the army.

Gareth

Go on, then, quick.

Tim

I was wondering if a military man like you, um... you know... a soldier -

Gareth

Yeah.

Tim

- could you give a man... a lethal blow?

Gareth

If I was forced to, I could. If it was absolutely necessary. If, uh... he was attacking me.

Tim

If he was coming really hard.

Gareth

Yeah. If my life was in danger, yeah.

Dawn

And do you always imagine doing it face to face with a bloke, or could you take a man from behind?

Gareth

Either way is easy.

Dawn

Either way. And so you could do a man from behind?

Gareth

Yeah.

Dawn

Yeah. Lovely.

Tim

So, you've dug your foxhole and you've pitched your tent.

Gareth

Right.

Tim

They've discovered you're camp, and you're lying there, and they've caught you with your trousers down, and they've all entered your hole without you knowing.

Gareth

No, because I'd be ready for them.

Tim

You'd just be lying there waiting for it?

Gareth

Yeah. Well, no. What's more likely is that I wouldn't be there if I knew they knew where I was. I'd be hiding, watching the hole, using it as a trap.

Tim

So, you'd be using your hole as bait?

Gareth

Yeah.

Dawn

Um, you're how old? Thirty? And you're, uh... getting off on pretending Gareth's gay.

Gareth

What?

Tim

Eh, what?

Gareth

I think she's been on the waccy baccy!

[TIM laughs]

Tim

Yeah. Oh.

David always has to take things one step too far, doesn't he? I mean, here's a facilitator demonstrating poor customer service and in order to win the day, David says this.

David

I'd like to make a complaint, please.

Facilitator

I don't care.

David

Well, um... I am staying in the hotel -

Facilitator

- I don't care. It's not my shift.

David

Well, you're an ambassador for the hotel -

Facilitator

- I don't care.

David

I think you'll care when I tell you what the complaint is -

Facilitator

I don't care.

David

I think there's been a rape up there!

A little personal monologue from Dawn on her engagement to Lee and how he proposed. If you're looking at this and thinking that it's inspired, lads... don't. Don't do it. Please.

Dawn

I've been engaged to Lee for, um, God, about three years. Uh, he proposed on a Valentine's Day. Um, although he didn't do it face to face, he did it in one of the little, um... Valentine's message bits in the paper. Um... I think he had to pay for it by the word because it just said, um... "Lee love Dawn. Marriage. Question mark." Um... which, you know, I like, 'cause it's not often you get something that's both romantic and thrifty.

Walking in half-way through a trust exercise and not understanding it properly is bad enough. But when this is your ultimate fantasy and you say it out loud... well, you've got to be Gareth, right?

Facilitator

Gareth, a quick trust exercise. Ultimate fantasy?

Gareth

Hmm?

David

We're just doing the ultimate fantasy. We're all doing it.

Gareth

Two lesbians, probably. Sisters. I'm just watching.

Tim has plans to leave and better himself by returning to university and studying psychology. Gareth can't help but scoff at this idea. Because he's so successful, huh?!

Gareth

Why do you want to be a psychiatrist for? They're all mad themselves, aren't they?

Tim

I want to be a psychologist.

Gareth

Same difference. All right then, Einstein. If you're so clever, what am I thinking about now?

Tim

You're thinking, "How could I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?"

Gareth

No.

Tim

No? Uh, you're thinking, uh... "If I crash-land in jungle, will I be able to eat my own shoes?"

Gareth

No, and you can't.

Tim

Right. What are you thinking, Gareth?

Gareth

I was just wondering, will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?

Donna is late for work. And that's bad enough. But her reason for being late? She was sleeping with someone. From the office. And that doesn't please David at all.

David

Who am I, then, Dixon of Dock Green?

Donna

What?

David

Evening, all.

Donna

Brilliant. Sorry I'm late.

David

Yeah. Not so worried about that, but while you're lodging with me, your parents have entrusted me with their most valuable possession. You. Yeah? Ipso facto, trust received, responsibility given and taken. Yeah? I'm your guardian. You stayed out all night. Okay. You stayed with a friend, that's fine. I'm a little bit annoyed at her parents for not calling me -

Donna

His parents weren't in.

David

His parents. It's a bloke, so what? Come on. God. Chill out, shall we, please? You know. Good. Friend that happens to be a boy. I could stay at Dawn's.

Dawn

No, you couldn't.

David

Well, I could if I got off with... at... at the wrong... got off at the wrong bus stop. I could, you know, I'd be on the floor -

Donna

Yeah. We spent some time on the floor.

David

For a good reason... probably. More room. Just go free. Come on. Jesus. You know. But if I did stay at Dawn's -

Dawn

- Which you couldn't.

David

Well, if I -

Gareth

- You could stay at mine if you wanted.

David

I don't want to stay at yours. The point is if I did stay at Dawn's, there'd be no funny business. If there was no funny business, fine.

Donna

Well, apart from all the sex, but we'll do it at your place next time so you don't have to worry.

David

It wasn't anyone in the office, was it?

Donna

It was, actually. I SLEPT WITH SOMEBODY IN THE OFFICE, EVERYBODY!

David

Show's over. All right, good. Well done. That's fine. Don't even... It's not that... oh.

If someone asks you what you got up to last night, the answer to that question should never be, "I just stayed in, had a big wa*k." Nobody wants to hear that.

Keith

What did you watch on telly last night?

Tim

I didn't watch telly, I watched a video.

Keith

I watched that Peak Practice.

Tim

Yeah, I've never seen it.

Keith

Bloody repeat.

Tim

Yeah. That's annoying, isn't it?

Keith

Not for me. I hadn't seen it. Boring, isn't it? Just staying in, watching Peak Practice with your life.

Tim

Mmm, yeah.

Keith

Not for me. I like it.

Tim

Yeah. I just stayed in, had a big wa*k.

This rhyme shouldn't exist. Not on any level. But it does. And I guess that means that some idiot (Gareth) is going to say it from time to time. Just resist the temptation to punch him in the face.

Gareth

It's not as if she's your daughter or anything.

David

No. But, that's not the point. It's the principle. It was about respect.

Gareth

Yeah. Showing a bit of respect.

David

And while she's under my roof, she will obey my laws. So...

Gareth

Showing respect by obeying the law. She's legal, though.

David

What?

Gareth

When cherries are red, they're ready for plucking. When girls are sixteen, they're ready for -

David

- GARETH!

A nightclub. Everyone has had a few too many beers. And things never go well when alcohol is mixed with bitterness. I'm not sure who comes out worst here. Oh, yes I am. It's David, isn't it?

Donna

I hope you're not going to sleep with a woman, David, 'cause obviously you find sex so disgusting.

Chris Finch

Chance would be a fine thing. He couldn't pull in a brothel.

David

I could and I have! And yes, I will take her home with me if I want.

Woman

I don't want to come home with you.

David

She doesn't want to come home with me. I don't want you to come home with me. That's a waste of an hour.

Woman

So the only reason you've been talking to me is because you want to shag me?

David

Yeah, and from behind, because your breath stinks of onions. And I didn't tell you that, did I?

[The WOMAN slaps DAVID across the face]

Chris Finch

Whoo! One up the bum, no harm done.

David

No. Not up the arse!