6 MP3 Audio clips from Clerks (1994)

PLAY ALL 6 CLIPS

Clip 1

There are some questions that you should never, EVER ask your girlfriend. This is one of them.

Dante

Well?

Veronica

Something like thirty-six.

Dante

What? Something like thirty-six?

Veronica

Lower your voice.

Dante

What does that mean, anyway? Thirty six. Does that include me?

Veronica

Thirty-seven.

Dante

I'M THIRTY-SEVEN?!

Veronica

Going to class.

Dante

[To CUSTOMER]

Thirty-seven. My girlfriend sucked thirty-seven d*cks.

Customer

In a row?

Dante

[Shouting after the fleeing VERONICA]

Hey, try not suck any d*ck on the way through the parking lot!

Clip 2

Some sage relationship advice from Randal.

Randal

How long did you date Caitlin?

Dante

Five years.

Randal

Chick only made you nuts man. She cheated on you how many times?

Dante

Eight and a half.

Randal

Eight and a half?

Dante

Party at John Kay's senior year. I get blitzed, pass out in his bedroom, Caitlin comes in and jumps all over me.

Randal

So that's cheating?

Dante

Well in the middle of it she called me Brad.

Randal

She called you Brad?

Dante

She called me Brad.

Randal

That's not cheating. People say crazy sh*t during sex. One time I called this girl Mom.

Clip 3

You've heard that expression 'the customer's always right' haven't you? Great. Now please explain it to Randal.

Customer

I will never come to this place again.

Dante

Excuse me?

Customer

Using filthy language in front of the customers. You both should be fired.

Dante

Oh, oh I'm sorry. I guess we both got carried away.

Customer

Well, I don't know if sorry can make up for it. You've highly offended me.

Randal

Well if you think that's offensive, check this out.

[He turns a pornographic magazine towards the customer]

I think you can see her kidneys.

Dante

Why do you do things like that? You know he's only going to come back and tell the boss.

Randal

Who cares? That guy's an a**hole.

Clip 4

There's no good way to die. Especially if you're Randal's late cousin.

Randal

Embolism in a pool.

Dante

What an embarrassing way to die.

Randal

That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.

Dante

How did he die?

Randal

He broke his neck.

Dante

That's embarrassing?

Randal

He broke his neck trying to suck his own d*ck.

Clip 5

There's a time and a place for ordering pornographic titles from a distribution house. In a shop in front of a customer and her young daughter is not it.

Customer

Excuse me, do you sell video tapes?

Randal

Yeah, what are you looking for?

Customer

Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.

Randal

Uh, one second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house now. Let me make sure they've got it. What's it called again?

Customer

Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.

Little girl

Happy Scrappy!

Customer

She loves it.

Randal

Obviously. Uh, yeah, hi. This is RST video calling. Customer number 4352. I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes. Whispers in the Wind, To Each His Own, Put it Where it Doesn't Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All Tit Fu*king Volume 8, I Need Your C*ck, Ass-Worshipping Rim Jobbers, My C*nt Needs Shafts, Cum Clean, Cum Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns 3, Cumming in Socks, Cum on Eileen, Huge Black C*cks with Pearly White Cum, Girls Who Crave C*nt, Girls Who Crave Cum, Men Alone 2: The KY Connection, Pink Pu**y Lips... oh yeah and All Holes Filled with Hard C*ck. Yep. Oh wait a minute, what was that called again?!

Clip 6

The thing about working in retail is having to listen to customers go on and on about nothing interesting. Randal, however, has a remedy.

Customer

And I remember one time...

[RANDAL spits a mouthful of drink through a straw at him]

I'm gonna break your fu*king head you fu*kin' jerk.

Dante

Sorry. He meant to hit me.

Customer

Yeah? Well he missed.

Dante

Yeah I know here, let me refund your money and we'll call it even all right?