8 MP3 Audio clips from Liar Liar (1997)

PLAY ALL 8 CLIPS

Clip 1

Fletcher and Samantha are enjoying post-coital bliss. He's about to discover he can no longer tell a lie.

Samantha

Mmmm. That was incredible. Was it good for you?

Fletcher

I've had better!

Clip 2

Fletcher meets his new, young, attractive neighbour in an elevator.

Fletcher

Hi.

Girl

Hi.

Fletcher

New in the building?

Girl

Yeah. I just moved in Monday.

Fletcher

Ohhh. You like it so far?

Girl

Uh huh. Everybody's been real nice.

Fletcher

Well, that's because you have big jugs. I mean your boobs are huge. I mean I wanna squeeze 'em. Huh! Mamma!

[Mimes an infant suckling after which we hear him being slapped across the face as the lift doors begin to open]

Clip 3

Fletcher is appearing for Samantha Cole on the first day of the custody battle against her husband.

Clerk

Good morning. Call case number BD09395. Samantha Cole versus Richard Cole.

Judge

How we doing this morning, Counsellor?

Counsellor

Fine, thank you.

Judge

And you, Mister Reede?

Fletcher

I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.

Judge

Well, you're still young. It'll happen more and more. In the mean-time, what do you say we get down to business?

Clip 4

This conversation between Fletcher and his estranged wife could have gone better.

Audrey

Uh huh, but things just keep coming up at the last minute, right?

Fletcher

Yes but this time it's different.

Audrey

I see and how is that?

Fletcher

Now I'm telling the truth.

Audrey

When last night you weren't?

Fletcher

No.

Audrey

Well what were you doing?

Fletcher

Having sex.

Audrey

Well I hope that it was with someone very special.

Fletcher

No, see, that's the thing. I don't even like her but she's a partner and I thought I could help my career by making her squeal...

Clip 5

With the inability to lie, when Fletcher is pulled over by the police and he's asked to guess why…

Cop

You know why I pulled you over?

Fletcher

Depends on how long you were following me.

Cop

Why don't we just take it from the top?

Fletcher

Here goes. I sped, I followed too closely, I ran a stop sign, I almost hit a Chevy, I sped some more, I failed to yield at a crosswalk, I changed lanes on the intersection, I changed lanes without signalling whilst running a red light and speeding.

Cop

Is that all?

Fletcher

No. I have unpaid parking tickets. Be gentle.

Clip 6

Fletcher goes to the pound to recover his car only to discover that it's been damaged.

Fletcher

You scratched my car!

Pound guy

Where?

Fletcher

Right, THERE!

Pound guy

Oh... that. That was already there.

Fletcher

You... you... LIAR! You know what I'm gonna do about this?

Pound guy

What?

Fletcher

NOTHING. Because if I take you to small claims court it'll just drain eight hours out of my life and you probably won't show up and if I finally got the judgement you'd just stiff me anyway so what I'm gonna do is p*ss and moan like an impotent jerk and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe.

Pound guy

You've been here before haven't you?

Clip 7

Fletcher isn't in the best position to be able to offer impartial legal advice to his clients right now.

Greta

Boss. Busted Skull. He knocked over another ATM, this time at knife-point. He needs your legal advice.

Fletcher

[Taking the phone from GRETA]

STOP BREAKING THE LAW, A**HOLE!

Clip 8

Samantha's plan to have Fletcher alienate the board backfires when he makes them laugh with his insults.

Samantha

Fletcher has just been telling me how much he thinks of you. Well why don't you tell Mister Allen? Well what do you think of him?

Fletcher

He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard. A belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung. Figuratively speaking.

Mr. Allen

[Laughs raucously]

That's the funniest damned thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast. Do Simmons.

Fletcher

Simmons is old. He should have been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife. You've met her at the Christmas parties. She's the one who gets plastered and calls him a retard. And you, Tom. You're the biggest brown nose I've ever seen. You've got your head so far up Mister Allen's ass I can't tell where you end and he begins. You have bad breath caused by Gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it up with a shovel and bury it in lime. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! SL-UUUT!