10 MP3 Audio clips from Deadpool (2016)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

Deadpool is on the way to his first hit. He's in a cab driven by Dopinder.

Deadpool

Dopinder. I'm starting to think there's a reason I'm in this cab today.

Dopinder

Yes, Sir. You called for it. Remember?

Deadpool

No, my slender brown friend. Love, is a beautiful thing. When you find it the whole world tastes like Daffodil Daydream. So you've gotta hold on to love, tight. And never let go. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Got it?

Dopinder

Yeah.

Deadpool

Or else the whole world tastes like Mamma June after hot yoga.

Dopinder

Sir, what does Miss Momma June taste like?

Deadpool

Like two hobos fu*king in a shoe filled with p*ss. I could go all day, Dopinder. The point is, it's bad.

Clip 2

Deadpool is cornered. But that's no reason not to crack a funny.

Deadpool

WAIT! You may be wondering why the red suit. Well that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. This guy's got the right idea. He wore the brown pants.

Clip 3

A little narrative from our hero in between kills.

Deadpool

You're probably thinking, 'My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fu*king kebab!'

Clip 4

Wade meets Vanessa and it's love at first sight. Almost.

Wade

So you, uh, hump fuzzies for money?

Vanessa

Yep.

Wade

Rough childhood?

Vanessa

Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born.

Wade

Daddy left before I was conceived.

Vanessa

Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?

Wade

Where else do you put one out?

Vanessa

I was molested.

Wade

Me too. Uncle.

Vanessa

Uncles. They took turns.

Wade

I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet which also happens to be -

Vanessa

- Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box.

Wade

You had a dishwasher? I didn't even know sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn.

Clip 5

Wade has come up with an ingenious way of instigating oral sex.

Wade

Your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas. Can I come and visit you between the holidays?

Clip 6

After the initial fight, attention returns to locating the elusive Francis.

Deadpool

Huh. Now. If I were a two hundred pound sack of a**holes named Francis, where would I hide?

Clip 7

Wade is meeting with the sinister recruiter for a cloaked organisation.

Recruiter

Mister Wilson.

Wade

How can I help you? Besides luring children into a panel van.

Clip 8

A quick introduction to another kickass fight scene. Eight words. Brilliant.

Deadpool

This sh*t's going to have nuts in it.

Clip 9

Deadpool is explaining to Blind Al why he's being such a douche.

Deadpool

The c*ck-thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today. Arm. Catching him was my only chance to be hot again. Get my super-sexy X back and prevent this sh*t from happening to someone else. So, yeah. Today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo.

[He farts as he crosses the room]

Hashtag drive-by.

Clip 10

Deadpool's hand is re-growing. It's basically the size of a baby's and he's caressing Blind Al's cheek with it.

Blind Al

Am I crazy or is your hand really small?

Deadpool

About the size of a KFC spork.

Blind Al

Yuk.

Deadpool

In the mean-time, you might want to leave the room. I bet it feels huge in this hand. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!