16 MP3 Audio clips from Deadpool 2 (2018)

PLAY ALL 16 CLIPS

Clip 1

Deadpool is bringing us up to date on developments since the previous movie.

Deadpool

I'd gone international. Taken out mass murderers, gangsters, unspeakable monsters. People who nobody would touch. Except me. I'm gonna touch them all over.

Clip 2

Deadpool is making a grand entrance to a gangster's apartment. Through the window.

Deadpool

Oh. Oh this isn't Gilbert's. I am so sorry. I thought this was an anal bleaching party.

Clip 3

Deadpool is continuing his narrative, bringing us up to speed on developments.

Deadpool

My world tour brought me home to this guy. Sergei Valishnikov. We'll get to him in a moment. 'Cos I know what you're thinking. I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home. But that's where you'd be wrong. That babysitter of yours is high as fu*k right now. And believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film. True story. And every good family film starts with a vicious murder. Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7. Ho-holy sh*t pickles, that guy's on fire. That's not CGI, folks. He's actually on fire. Yeah.

Clip 4

Dopinder has expressed an interest in becoming a mercenary.

Deadpool

Dopinder. It's me again. Look, a saner man might discourage you from joining the deadly merc. business what with your concave chest and your paper towel tube arms. But you're an eagle. And Godammit, an eagle's gotta soar. You've gotta grab those dreams. Grab those dreams by the d*ck-tip and make it rain.

Dopinder

I don't know what that means.

Deadpool

[Laughing]

Me neither.

Clip 5

Wade and Vanessa are having a heart-to-heart.

Wade

But here's the thing. Isn't that how it always works? Like in Star Wars, men are destined to become their father. Then have consensual sex with their sister?

Vanessa

I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie.

Wade

No I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her.

Vanessa

Maybe that's Empire.

Clip 6

Weasel is giving Wade some advice following Vanessa's murder.

Weasel

Wade, you gotta go home. You've been sitting here for three days, okay? You smell like sauerkraut left in the warm rain. Like... wet garbage. Hot urine. You smell like a dog ate kitty litter and then farted his way out of the living room.

Clip 7

Blind Al is all heart. And sympathy.

Blind Al

Sweetheart, can you speak up? It's a little hard to hear you with that pity d*ck in your mouth.

Clip 8

Collossus is trying to talk Wade around. It's not working.

Colossus

Take your mask off, Wade.

Wade

I wish you'd said pants. Hey, let's play a game. It's called Adrian Brody or Adam Brody. Now, close your eyes and open your mouth.

Clip 9

Wade, in a moment of rare emotional honesty, is speaking to Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Yukio. But as usual, it's loaded with double entendre.

Wade

You know historically, mischief has been my mistress. So I understand that, you know. But I like to think that, well you guys have really rubbed off on me. I like to think that I've rubbed off around you too. A lot!

Clip 10

Deadpool has just been blasted through the window of an apartment to find an unfazed little boy eating his breakfast at the table.

Deadpool

Ahhh. Stay in school, kid. Or don't. I didn't. And I'm an X-Man.

Little boy

Trainee.

Deadpool

Fu*k it.

Clip 11

Wade is talking to Firefist about what's happened to him.

Wade

I don't have a sock-puppet on me but, uh... what did he do to you? Did he taste the rainbow? I'd whisper it but Skittles would sue us.

Clip 12

Wade is having another heart-to-heart chat with Firefist.

Deadpool

This doesn't end with us riding into the sunset. It ends with me dying of cancer and you winning the Icebox award for softest mouth.

Clip 13

Domino is driving a prison transport being attacked by Cable. Deadpool is providing a decidedly innuendo-laden commentary.

Domino

Where is he? I can't see him.

Deadpool

He's on top of you. He's tearing you open. He's going in the back. Oh, God... he's inside.

Domino

You hear yourself, right?

Deadpool

Accidental double entendres.

Clip 14

How best to describe this? Hmm. Well, Deadpool has been torn in half. His lower half is re-growing and now anatomically resembles that of a toddler.

Weasel

[Running into the room]

Wade! I heard what happened with the convoy. HEY! Huh. Oh. Why wouldn't you cover that up?

Wade

A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of.

Weasel

Yeah but you do. I mean, look at you. You're just straight shirt-c*cking it? Toddler style?

Wade

Oh yeah. Full Winnie The Pooh.

Blind Al

The hell's happening? Describe it.

Wade

I wouldn't ask him to do that if I were you.

Weasel

It's like, um...

Wade

Here we go.

Weasel

It's like he was giving birth anally but they quit half-way through. They got the legs out and they said 'You know what? I'm done.' It's like he's a Muppet from the waist down but this time you can see the Muppet's d*ck.

Clip 15

Cable says the sweetest (and creepiest) things.

Cable

You remind me of my wife.

Deadpool

I'm sorry?

Cable

I said you remind me...

Deadpool

No, I'm sorry that you said that while making heavy eye-contact and applying lip balm.

Clip 16

It's the finale. Wade is giving sage advice to the young Firefist.

Wade

You're just a kid. You don't want to hurt anyone.

Firefist

How do you know what I want?

Wade

Because I've been inside you... That came out wrong... I've been inside your shoes... Which... is also off-putting. It's not a great analogy.