7 MP3 Audio clips from The Keith Lemon Sketch Show (2015)

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It's the Hairy, Lairy Bikers. This week Si and Dave are serving up a pie and a generous portion of middle finger.

Si & Dave

It's the Hairy Lairy Bikers!

Si

I'm Si.

Dave

And I'm Dave.Today we're gonna make a pie.

Si

Aye.

Dave

What you do is take it out the wrapper. Like so...

Si

Slap it on...

Dave

...and put it on the plate.

Si

Aye, it's not fu*kin' rocket science, is it?

Dave

Then you take this middle finger and go stick it up your fu*kin' a**hole.

Si

Aye!

When Simon Cowell isn't busy being the best judge on the X-Factor, he likes to spend his evenings at Laser Quest.

Simon Cowell

Hi. I'm Simon Cowell and when I'm not being the best judge on the X-Factor I like to spend my evenings off here at Laser Quest. Run Sinita or I'll shoot you. Remember my name. Fame. I'm going to live for fu*king ever!

It must be that time of year again. The tent is up and the tension is rising.

Presenter 1

The tension is mounting.

Presenter 2

In the tent behind me are six competitors with just one goal.

Presenter 1

To get p*ssed... as fu*k.

Presenters

Welcome... to the Great British P*ss-Up.

Downtoon Abbey. It's like Downton Abbey but made by the team behind Geordie Shore.

Lord Rotherington

I shat myself. Proper like.

Earl of Gawcott

The timing couldn't have been worse. I mean I was on the croquet lawn, licking out the Countess of Padbury.

[Smashing heard in the background]

For fu*k's sake, what's going on now? Hold still...

It's Doodles. The children's art show that kids love and parents love to hate. And as for the presenter… Jesus!

Dicky Doodles

Hello. I'm Dicky Doodles. And welcome to Doodles. Okay for today's Doodles you will need some coloured pipe cleaners, some felt-tips, a pencil sharpener, some feathers, some PVA glue and a good imagination. Oh yes, and your Doodle Sticks. Have you got them? Good. Then let's Doodle! Sometimes you just can't find the colour you're looking for, can you? Yipee, it's almost done. Let's have a run-around. I bet your parents hate me, don't they? Good. And there you have it. It's a dog fu*king a zebra. Mum's really gonna love that! I'm going for a wa*k. Good bye!

The Earl of Gawcott is about to regret his decision to open Downtoon Abbey as a war hospital. And to get injured servicemen p*ssed. And horny.

Earl of Gawcott

[Approaching two nurses]

Hello, Ladies. You having a good time?

[Narrating]

I was just about to 'tash on' with two nurses when suddenly I found myself being grabbed from behind. It was only the bloody blind airman. He was being very vigorous. Very ungentlemanly, like. CHRIST, GONE IN DRY, SON!

It's time for Come Dine With Me. As you've never seen it before!

Narrator

In today's Come Dine With Me, Linda from Stoke...

Linda

I'm a big character and I like really big flavours.

Narrator

...Prince Adam from Eternia...

Prince Adam

My name is Adam. Defender of the secrets of Castle Greyskull.

Narrator

...Craig from Macclesfield...

Craig

I like food and good company but I'm not afraid to speak my mind.

Narrator

...and Skeletor from Snake Mountain.

Skeletor

[Laughs]

Narrator

Today's dinner host is Prince Adam who'll be putting on a three-course meal at his home, Castle Greyskull.

Prince Adam

I do hope my guests behave themselves. I know one of them already. If I was a more cynical man I'd say that the producers have put Skeletor and I in the same programme to create a sense of tension.

Skeletor

He's doing Prawn C*cktail as a starter. How very primitive.

[Laughs]

Narrator

Well, the guests have arrived so it's time for Adam to get the party started.

Prince Adam

Welcome.

Linda

Oh, it's not what you'd expect at all from the outside.

Skeletor

Ah. Prawn Rings, mini sausages. Iceland really does make it easy for Mum.

[Laughs]

Prince Adam

I'm pretty sure that Skeletor is trying to sabotage my dinner party. So... how is everyone enjoying their main course?

Skeletor

It's wonderful. If you like your gammon like an old boot.

[Laughs]

Narrator

Yep, Skeletor really is a bit of a c*nt.

Craig

So, Adam. What's with the sword?

Prince Adam

Magical powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL... I HAVE THE POWER!...

Linda

[After the guests applaud]

Who are you?

He-Man

I am He-Man. Master of the Universe.

Skeletor

Maybe you should have transformed yourself into a chef because your food is lousy.

He-Man

[Monologue to camera]

Skeletor and I have been engaged in a battle over the secrets of Castle Greyskull for many a millennia. It's pretty immature when you think about it.

[To SKELETOR]

That's enough, Skeletor. Let's take this outside.

Skeletor

Fair dos, Lady Boy!

[He follows HE-MAN to the front door and then indicates that he should go first]

After you, He-Man.

He-Man

That's very kind.

[HE-MAN steps outside and SKELETOR closes the front door, locking him out of Castle Greyskull. SKELETOR cackles hysterically]

Skeletor

At last! Castle Greyskull is mine!

[He cackles again]

He-Man

Oh fu*k! FUUCCCCKKKK!

Narrator

Right. Time for some scores.

Skeletor

The food was dreadful. But I am now the supreme ruler of the universe. Eight.

He-Man

It's been a really mixed evening. On the down side, I've lost everything I spent my life defending. On the good side... I think that Craig really enjoyed my gammon.

Craig

I had a really good night. But I think the gammon's given me the sh*ts!