8 MP3 Audio clips from American Pie 2 (2001)

PLAY ALL 8 CLIPS

Clip 1

Steve Stifler is up to his old tricks. It's down to Chris Ostreicher to educate him in the ways of mature relationships.

Chris Ostreicher

All right, here's a new idea for you, Stifler, okay? You find a girl, you two become best friends and you don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other. You just laugh at the people that do count.

Steve Stifler

Here's a new idea for you. I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass!

Clip 2

It's another of Steve Stifler's parties. Once again, he's greeting his guests.

Steve Stifler

Sherman!

Sherman

Okay, Stifler. Take your shot.

Steve Stifler

[Extending his hand]

No, come on man, I'm really happy to see you.

Sherman

[Reaching to shake STIFLER'S hand]

All right!

Steve Stifler

[Snatching his hand away]

You stupid fu*k!

Clip 3

Steve Stifler thinks he's discovered the lair of two lesbians. Because he's seen two girls holding hands!

Paul Finch

You know, Mr. Homophobic Wizard, that it is possible for women to hold hands and not be gay. Friends can hold hands.

Steve Stifler

Hey, Finch. I don't wanna hear about you and your boyfriends. Go jerk off.

Paul Finch

Unnecessary. Tantra teaches you to hold an orgasm over time, in anticipation of an ultimate moment to... release it upon the world. I'm filling up to the brim.

Steve Stifler

That's fu*king disgusting. Urgh, I'm gonna throw up!

Clip 4

Chris Ostreicher and his globe-trotting girlfriend Heather are attempting to have phone sex. They've already been interrupted by a wrong number and then this happens…

Chris Ostreicher

Okay.

Heather

Hey!

Chris Ostreicher

Hey! Sorry about that. Where were we?

Heather

I think you were reaching for something?

Chris Ostreicher

Oh yeah. Oh yeah, Heather. I'm rubbin' and it feels so good. Uhhhh...

Heather

Yeah, Oz. I'm touchin' myself. What else do you want me to do?

Steve Stifler

[Announcing his presence on another handset]

Oh, Heather, Baby! Why don't you tell me my d*ck is as big as Stiflers?

Chris Ostreicher

Stifler, get off!

Steve Stifler

I AM getting off just listening to the two of you guys. Keep goin'!

Heather

I think we should try this another time.

Chris Ostreicher

Yeah, all right. Bye bye. I love you.

Heather

I love you.

Steve Stifler

Oh come on, you guys. I was almost there!

Clip 5

The boys have been caught in what they mistakenly think is the bedroom of two lesbians. But these girls are straight and are having some fun at the boy's expense.

Girl

You don't touch, we don't touch.

Trucker (on a CB)

Squeeze his ass, son. You'll like it.

Girl

Come on, boys.

Paul Finch

Jesus Christ.

Steve Stifler

Sh*t. Ohhhh....

[He slaps and grabs FINCH'S buttock]

I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin' his ass...

[We get to see just who's overhearing events in the bedroom. A YOUNG BOY with a walkie-talkie runs across the lawn towards the camera]

Young Boy

Red Leader, what's your position?

Steve Stifler

[Audible on the YOUNG BOY'S walkie talkie]

I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin' his ass, oh my God, oh...

Young Boy

MOMMY!

Clip 6

Jim Levenstein has snuck into Tall Oaks Band Camp to seek counsel from Michelle. As he passes one of the log cabins, he hears a conversation which he takes completely the wrong way.

Girl

Jenny, where did you put my clarinet?

Jenny

Oh I think I shoved it in your box.

Girl

Oh, thanks... Oh I do appreciate it...

Jim Levenstein

Bad man. I'm a bad, bad man!

Clip 7

Michelle is giving Jim some valuable sexual advice. But then it gets really weird.

Michelle

Okay. Now don't freak out. I'm gonna do something to push your threshold.

Jim

Okay, no...

[There's a fecal honking sound]

That's...cold! W...what are you doing?

Michelle

I just shoved a trumpet in your ass. Aren't instruments fun?

Jim

Okay, I think you just crossed my threshold!

Clip 8

Jim's Dad takes offence at a woman in the ER taking offence to the presence of a VHS tape entitled Pu**y Palace which is super-glued to Jim's hand.

Jim's Dad

My son...is sitting here right now... with his hand glued to his penis. But that doesn't mean anything to you, does it? Because you don't have a penis. Or maybe you do!

Jim

Dad...

Jim's Dad

Sorry, sorry. Sorry.

Jim

Ow.