10 MP3 Audio clips from Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

The Cart Master is passing through a plagued village, collecting corpses.

Cart Master

Bring out your dead!

Customer

Here's one.

Cart Master

Nine pence.

Dead Person

I'm not dead.

Cart Master

What?

Customer

Nothing. Here's your nine pence.

Dead Person

I'm not dead.

Cart Master

'Ere. He says he's not dead.

Customer

Yes he is.

Dead Person

I'm not.

Cart Master

He isn't.

Customer

Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.

Dead Person

I'm getting better.

Customer

No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.

Cart Master

Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.

Dead Person

I don't want to go on the cart.

Customer

Oh, don't be such a baby.

Cart Master

I can't take him.

Dead Person

I feel fine!

Customer

Well, do us a favour...

Cart Master

I can't.

Customer

Well can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.

Cart Master

Nah, I've got to go to the Robinsons, they've lost nine today.

Customer

Well, when's your next round?

Cart Master

Thursday.

Dead Person

I think I'll go for a walk.

Customer

You're not fooling anyone, you know... look, isn't there something you can do?

Dead Person

I feel happy! I feel happy!

[The CART MASTER clubs the old man around the head, instantly killing him]

Dead Person

Ooof!

Customer

Ah, thanks very much.

Cart Master

Not at all. See you on Thursday.

Customer

Right!

Clip 2

King Arthur has encountered The Black Knight.

King Arthur

You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Camelot. You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?

[There is a long silence]

You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.

Black Knight

None shall pass.

King Arthur

What?

Black Knight

None shall pass.

King Arthur

I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.

Black Knight

Then you shall die.

King Arthur

I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!

Black Knight

I move for no man.

King Arthur

So be it!

[An embittered battle ensues during which ARTHUR takes the BLACK KNIGHT'S arm off with a single blow of his sword]

Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

Black Knight

'Tis but a scratch.

King Arthur

A scratch? Your arm's off!

Black Knight

No, it isn't.

King Arthur

Well, what's that, then?

Black Knight

I've had worse.

King Arthur

You liar!

Black Knight

Come on, you pansy!

[The fight continues and the BLACK KNIGHT loses his other arm]

King Arthur

Victory is mine.

[Kneeling at his sword]

We thank Thee Lord, that in Thy mer-

Black Knight

[Kicking ARTHUR]

Hah! Come on, then.

King Arthur

What?

Black Knight

Have at you!...

King Arthur

You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.

Black Knight

Oh, had enough, eh?

King Arthur

Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.

Black Knight

Yes I have.

King Arthur

Look!

Black Knight

Just a flesh wound.

[The BLACK KNIGHT begins kicking KING ARTHUR]

King Arthur

Look, stop that.

Black Knight

Chicken! Chicken!

King Arthur

Look, I'll have your leg.

[The BLACK KNIGHT continues his onslaught]

RIGHT!

[KING ARTHUR takes one of the BLACK KNIGHT'S legs off with his sword]

Black Knight

Right. I'll do you for that.

King Arthur

You'll WHAT?!

Black Knight

Come here!

King Arthur

What are you gonna do? Bleed on me?

Black Knight

I'M INVINCIBLE!

King Arthur

You're a loony!

Black Knight

The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!

[He uses his only remaining form of attack and repeatedly head-butts ARTHUR]

Come on then!

[KING ARTHUR removes the BLACK KNIGHT'S one remaining leg with a single swing of his sword]

Black Knight

All right... we'll call it a draw.

King Arthur

Come, Patsy.

[He begins to "trot" away on pretend horseback with PATSY providing the sound effects with his two halves of a coconut]

Black Knight

Oh, I see! Running away, eh? YOU YELLOW BASTARDS! COME BACK HERE AND TAKE WHAT'S COMING TO YOU. I'LL BITE YOUR LEGS OFF!

Clip 3

The gallant group have reached Camelot.

King Arthur

Camelot!

Sir Galahad

Camelot!

Sir Lancelot

Camelot!

Patsy

It's only a model.

King Arthur

Shh!

Clip 4

Arthur and his band of Knights have reached a castle where they demand an audience with the master. The conversation with the guard up on the ramparts isn't quite going to plan.

King Arthur

Well, what are you, then?

French Guard

I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!

Clip 5

The conversation started badly and is now going decidedly downhill.

King Arthur

Now look here, my good man -

French Guard

I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Clip 6

Brave Sir Robin's Minstrels are singing as they make their way North through the Dark Forest of Ewing.

Minstrel [singing]

Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin! He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp. Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away. And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin! His head smashed in and his heart cut out and his liver removed and his bowels unplugged and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis-

Sir Robin

That's, uh, that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads.

Clip 7

Sadly, his Minstrels don't discriminate when it comes to their music. They just report what's happened with brutal and melodic accuracy.

Minstrel [singing]

Brave Sir Robin ran away...

Sir Robin

No!

Minstrel [singing]

Bravely ran away, away...

Sir Robin

I didn't!

Minstrel [singing]

When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled...

Sir Robin

No!

Minstrel [singing]

Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about...

Sir Robin

I didn't!

Minstrel [singing]

And gallantly, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet...

Sir Robin

I never did!

Minstrel [singing]

He beat a very brave retreat...

Sir Robin

All lies!

Minstrel [singing]

Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin.

Sir Robin

I never!

Clip 8

Castle Anthrax. Inhabited by one hundred and sixty half-naked girls aged between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, Sir Galahad is beginning to see the merit of staying there.

Dingo

Oh, wicked, wicked Zoot. She must pay the penalty, and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.

Girls

A spanking! A spanking!

Dingo

You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.

Amazing

And spank me.

Stunner

And me.

Lovely

And me.

Dingo

Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

Girls

A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!

Dingo

And after the spanking, the oral sex.

Girls

The oral sex! The oral sex!

Sir Galahad

Well, I could stay a bit longer.

Clip 9

Arthur and his group have encountered the infamous Knights of Ni.

Head Knight

The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice.

King Arthur

Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.

Head Knight

Ni!

Knights of Ni

Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...

King Arthur

Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!

Head Knight

We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.

King Arthur

Well, what is it you want?

Head Knight

We want... a shrubbery!

Clip 10

The group have reached the Enchanter who warns them of the ferocious, wicked, deadly beast that guards the entrance to the cave.

Tim

There he is!

King Arthur

Where?

Tim

There!

King Arthur

What, behind the rabbit?

Tim

It is the rabbit.

King Arthur

You silly sod!

Tim

What?

King Arthur

You got us all worked up!

Tim

Well, that's no ordinary rabbit!

King Arthur

Ohh.

Tim

That's the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!

Robin

You tit! I soiled my armour, I was so scared.

Tim

Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide. It's a killer!

Sir Galahad

Get stuffed!

Tim

He'll do you up a treat, mate.

Sir Galahad

Oh, yeah?

Robin

You manky Scots git!

Tim

I'm warning you!

Robin

What's he do, nibble your bum?

Tim

He's got huge, sharp... he can leap about... look at the bones!...

King Arthur

Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!

Bors

Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!

Tim

LOOK!

[The killer rabbit strikes, biting into BORS' throat and sending a stream of blood high into the air]

Bors

Aaaugh!

King Arthur

Jesus Christ!

Tim

I warned you.