16 MP3 Audio clips from Airplane! (1980)

PLAY ALL 16 CLIPS

Clip 1

Ted has raced to the airport to talk to Elaine who's just walked out on him. The conversation doesn't go overly well.

Ted

Don't you feel anything for me at all anymore?

Elaine

It takes so many things to make love last. Most of all it takes respect. And I can't live with a man I don't respect.

Ted

[To camera]

What a p*sser!

Clip 2

Ted is nervous of flying. He's not flown since the botched raid over Macho Grande. His fear is written all over his face.

Old Lady

Nervous?

Ted

Yes.

Old Lady

First time?

Ted

No. I've been nervous lots of times.

Clip 3

When the flight crew consists of Clarence, Victor and Roger, things are certain to get confusing. Especially over the ground frequency.

Ground ATC

Flight two-zero-niner, you are cleared for take-off.

Clarence Oveur

Roger.

Roger Murdock

Huh?

Ground ATC

L.A. departure frequency one, two, three point niner.

Clarence Oveur

Roger.

Roger Murdock

Huh?

Clarence Oveur

Request vector, over.

Victor Basta

What?

Ground ATC

Flight two-zero-niner, clear for vector three-two-four.

Roger Murdock

We have clearance, Clarence.

Clarence Oveur

Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?

Ground ATC

Tower radio clearance, over.

Clarence Oveur

That's Clarence Oveur. Over.

Ground ATC

Roger.

Roger Murdock

What?

Ground ATC

Roger, over.

Roger Murdock

Huh?

Clip 4

Some people tell it like it is. And this old lady REALLY tells it like it is.

Old Lady

No wonder you're upset. She's lovely. And a darling figure. Supple, pouting breasts. Firm thighs. It's a shame you two don't get along.

Clip 5

A young boy takes a liking to a young girl. Despite being a child he takes the adult step of bringing her coffee. How sweet...

Boy

Excuse me. I happened to be passing and I thought you might like some coffee.

Girl

Oh that's very nice of you, thank you. Oh, won't you sit down?

Boy

Thank you. Cream?

Girl

No thank you. I take it black. Like my men.

Clip 6

Clarence Oveur. He might be a Captain but he's also a complete pervert. Run, Joey. Run!

Clarence Oveur

Joey, we have something here for our special visitors. Would you like to have it?

[He hands JOEY a model of the plane they're flying in]

Joey

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

Clarence Oveur

Sure. You ever been in a c*ckpit before?

Joey

No Sir, I've never been up in a plane before.

Clarence Oveur

You ever seen a... grown man naked?

Clip 7

Joey didn't run. And Clarence continues with the sinister questions.

Clarence Oveur

Joey... do you like movies about gladiators?

Clip 8

Elaine is pouring her heart out about love and loss. The music, the words. Lovely. Except for one moment. See if you can spot it.

Elaine

I remember everything. All I have are memories. Mostly I remember the nights when we were together. I remember how you used to hold me. How I used to sit on your face and wriggle and... afterwards how we watched 'til the sun came up.

Clip 9

Ted is in hospital, recovering from the psychological trauma of his doomed raid over Macho Grande. Elaine is visiting.

Elaine

Got a telegram from Headquarters today.

Ted

Headquarters? What is it?

Elaine

Well it's a big building where Generals meet but that's not important right now. They've cleared you of any blame for what happened on that raid. Isn't that good news?

Ted

Is it? Because of my mistake, six men didn't return from that raid.

[He takes a mouthful of drink]

Elaine

Seven. Lieutenant Zip died this morning.

[TED spits the drink back out again]

Clip 10

Clarence Oveur. He's nothing if not persistent. And perverted.

Clarence Oveur

Joey. Have you ever been in a... in a Turkish prison?

Clip 11

Doctor Rumack. Straight talking hero of the skies. He tells it like it is.

Dr. Rumack

You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.

Elaine

Hospital? What is it?

Dr. Rumack

It's a big building with patients but that's not important right now.

Clip 12

Doctor Rumack discusses the worsening scenario with Captain Oveur.

Dr. Rumack

Captain... how soon can you land?

Clarence Oveur

I can't tell.

Dr. Rumack

You can tell me, I'm a doctor.

Clarence Oveur

No, I mean I'm just not sure.

Dr. Rumack

Well can't you take a guess?

Clarence Oveur

Well, not for another two hours.

Dr. Rumack

You can't take a guess for another two hours?

Clip 13

Elaine has found herself alone on the flight deck. She must tell the passengers something. She picks up the P.A. mike and...

Elaine

Ladies and gentlemen... this is your stewardess speaking. We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused. This is due to periodic air pockets we encounter. There is no reason to become alarmed and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

[The cabin erupts with screams and shouts from the now panicked passengers]

Clip 14

It's the famous moment when Dr. Rumack mistakes the word 'surely' for a popular woman's name.

Dr. Rumack

Can you fly this plane and land it?

Ted

Surely you can't be serious?

Dr. Rumack

I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.

Clip 15

And the misunderstanding persists.

Dr. Rumack

I won't deceive you, Mister Stryker. We're running out of time.

Ted

Surely there must be something you can do.

Dr. Rumack

I'm doing everything I can. And stop calling me Shirley.

Clip 16

A running joke. Steve McCroskey picked the wrong week to quit alcohol, heroin, amphetamines... And now glue.

Steve McCroskey

Sure is quiet out there.

Captain Rex Kramer

Yeah, too quiet.

Steve McCroskey

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

[Having huffed from a tube of glue, McCROSKEY falls over backwards]