18 MP3 Audio clips from Airplane II: The Sequel (1982)

PLAY ALL 18 CLIPS

Clip 1

The Airport Information Desk at Chicago O'Hare is phenomenal. Ask them anything. Literally ANYTHING.

Woman

Where's the Passenger Processing Lounge for the lunar shuttle?

Clerk

Concourse Lounge C, fourth level.

Woman

Thanks.

Clerk

Next.

Woman

How long is my parking permit good for?

Clerk

Two hours.

Woman

Thank you.

Clerk

Yes, next.

Man

What's the fastest animal on Earth?

Clerk

The cheetah. Next.

Woman

Should I fake my orgasms?

Clerk

Yes.

Woman

Thank you.

Clerk

Next.

Clip 2

'The Sarge' is a straight-talking, straight-shooting, no-nonsense kind of guy. He won't take any crap from the boys on the Board.

The Sarge

Give me that radio.

[Into the radio]

Kruger, this is The Sarge. There's no way this wire could've passed inspection without Simon Curtis's okay. Now what the hell's going on?

Kruger

You patch up the damage; get that ship ready to fly. That's an ORDER, Mister.

The Sarge

Well you got it, Mister. But you can tell your boys on the board from me that this thing stinks to high Heaven of kickback.

Kruger

You heard it, boys. Now what do you say?

[LOOSEN to reveal a dozen five-year-old boys in three-piece suits, smoking cigars sat around a conference table]

Boys

Screw 'em!

Clip 3

Simon and Elaine are discussing the imminent launch of the Mayflower I.

Simon

Just a few more hours 'til lift-off.

Elaine

I'm very excited, Simon.

Simon

Guess this is a first for you, eh kid?

Elaine

No. I've been excited before.

Clip 4

Simon does the introductions on the flight deck. But things are about to get more than a little confusing.

Simon

Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your Captain, Captain Oveur.

Oveur

Gentlemen, welcome aboard.

Simon

Captain, your Navigator Mr. Unger and your First Officer Mr. Dunn.

Oveur

Unger.

Unger

Oveur.

[They shake hands]

Dunn

Oveur.

Oveur

Dunn.

[They shake hands]

Gentlemen, let's get to work.

Simon

Unger, didn't you serve under Oveur in the Air Force?

Unger

Ah, not directly. Technically Dunn was under Oveur and I was under Dunn.

Dunn

Yep.

Simon

So, Dunn. You were under Oveur and over Unger?

Dunn

Yep.

Oveur

Yeah, that's right. Dunn was over Unger and I was over Dunn.

Unger

So you see, both Dunn and I were under Oveur even though I was under Dunn.

Oveur

Dunn was over Unger and I was over Dunn.

Clip 5

Jimmy's father. He's an a**hole.

Jimmy

I sure am glad they let Scraps ride up here with us, Dad.

Father

I bet Scraps is going to love the moon.

Jimmy

Do you think things will be a lot different on the moon, Dad?

Father

Oh it's going to be terrific. A whole new world. New kids to play with...

Jimmy

Does that mean no more headlines about the rape trial?

Father

[Clearly getting angry]

How many kids get a chance to live on another planet?

Jimmy

No more kids yelling, 'Your old man's a psychopathic sex pervert?'

Father

[Grabbing JIMMY by the lapel and shouting into his face]

Look, a man can make an honest mistake. Anyway, she was asking for it. They're all asking for it all the time.

Jimmy

[Inner monologue]

Dad never slaps me around at home. It must be his coffee.

Mother

[Inner monologue]

No... I've been serving Dad decaf. Hmm. Maybe he's just an a**hole.

Clip 6

It's Stryker's trial and his old colleague and now adversary Kramer is on the stand. His evidence is pretty damning.

Kramer

I flew with Stryker during the war. I'll never forget the night we bombed Macho Grande. Stryker was the Squadron Leader. He brought us in real low. But he couldn't handle it.

Lawyer

Buddy couldn't handle it? Was Buddy one of your crew?

Kramer

Right. Buddy was the Bombardier. But it was Stryker who couldn't handle it. And he went to pieces.

Lawyer

Andy went to pieces?

Kramer

NO! Andy was the Navigator. He was all right. Buddy went to pieces. It was awful how he came unglued.

Lawyer

Howie came unglued?

Kramer

Oh no, Howie was a rock. The best Tail Gunner in the outfit. Buddy came unglued.

Lawyer

And he bailed out?

Kramer

NO! Andy hung tough. Buddy bailed out. How we survived... was a miracle.

Lawyer

Then Howie survived?

Kramer

No. 'Fraid not. We lost Howie the next day.

Lawyer

Over Macho Grande?

Kramer

No. I don't think I'll ever get over Macho Grande. Those wounds run pretty deep.

Clip 7

The case against Stryker continues with an expert witness called to give evidence.

Judge

Court calls Doctor Franklyn Stone.

Lawyer

Doctor, can you give the court your impression of Mister Stryker?

Doctor

I'm sorry, I don't do impressions. My training is in psychiatry.

Lawyer

Of course.

Clip 8

Misunderstandings abound on the Flight Deck.

Dunn

Uhhh, Captain. I'm picking up an overheat in the computer core.

Oveur

How serious is it, Mr. Dunn?

Dunn

Uhhh, I can't tell, Sir.

Oveur

You can tell me; I'm the Captain.

Clip 9

ROK 4000. A high-tech computer in overall control of the Mayflower I. And it's also a pr**k.

ROK 4000

Voice interface.

Elaine

There's an overheat in the core. Please analyse problem.

ROK 4000

There is no apparent overheat.

Elaine

Yes there is, ROK. We read a core overheat. Repeat analysis.

ROK 4000

Analysis confirmed. All systems compute positive.

Elaine

Well, not from where I'm sitting they don't.

ROK 4000

Look, Elaine. Cut the 'not where I'm sitting' sh*t. It must be a human error.

Clip 10

Clarence Oveur. Pilot. Perfectionist. Paedophile.

Mary

Captain, do you mind if Jimmy here takes a look around?

Oveur

No, of course not, Mary. Come on in, Jimmy. Hi there.

Jimmy

Thanks. Boy, there's a lot of neat stuff in here.

Oveur

Well, this is really the nerve centre of the whole ship. Say, that sure is a cute puppy. What's his name?

Jimmy

Scraps.

Oveur

Scraps. Can I hold him once?

Jimmy

Yeah.

Oveur

[Chuckles]

Come on, Scraps. Oh I used to have a... a puppy like this when I was a kid. You like to play ball with him?

Jimmy

Yeah.

Oveur

Sure... you like to throw a stick and have him bring it back?

Jimmy

Yeah.

Oveur

Course you do. Well, my goodness, Scraps is a boy dog isn't he?

Jimmy

Yeah.

Oveur

Jimmy... do you like it when...when Scraps holds onto your leg and rubs up and down?

Clip 11

Some people take things FAR too literally.

Testa

Captain. Mr. Dunn and Mr. Unger were sucked out an airlock in the computer room.

Oveur

Both together?

Testa & Elaine

Mr. Dunn and Mr. Unger were sucked out an airlock in the computer room.

Clip 12

Simon has finally realised that the ship is destined for a collision with the sun.

Simon

You're right, Elaine. We are off course. My GOD. The sun...

Elaine

What is it, Simon?

Simon

A large fiery ball at the centre of our solar system. But that's not important now. We're headed right for it.

Clip 13

Jimmy turns to Ted for guidance and reassurance.

Jimmy

Can I ask you a question?

Ted

What is it?

Jimmy

It's an interrogative statement used to test knowledge. But that's not important right now, Mister.

Clip 14

Steve McCroskey now knows who's in sole charge of the Mayflower I. He needs some background on her. He asks Jacobs. BIG mistake.

Steve McCroskey

Jacobs... what have you got on Elaine Dickinson?

Jacobs

Well, I'm two inches taller, a better dancer and much more fun to be with.

Clip 15

It's a shame that 'Stryker' sounds rather a lot like 'Strike her'.

Steve McCroskey

Stryker... Stryker, Stryker, Stryker, Stryker, Stryker, STRYKER!

[A man standing behind McCROSKEY punches a woman in the face. She falls to the ground]

Steve McCroskey

Stryker.

Clip 16

Sometimes the best thing a priest can do in a crisis is to sit down and shut up.

Father O'Flanagan

I'm Father O'Flanagan. I'm a man of God. And you must trust me when I say it's very likely that we're all going to die

[Panic erupts in the cabin]

Clip 17

Simon has ejected from Mayflower I in an escape pod. Elaine is shocked and tells Ted.

Elaine

Ted, Ted... Simon just ejected.

Ted

Sit down, Elaine. If this bomb trick works we might just make it. Simon was a fool to eject now.

Elaine

You mean...

Ted

That's right. Premature ejection.

Clip 18

Commander Buck Murdock is assessing the situation.

Buck Murdock

But it's his ship now. He's the top dog. The big man. Numero uno honcho. The head cheese.