29 MP3 Audio clips from Ted 2 (2015)

PLAY ALL 29 CLIPS

Clip 1

The narration at the beginning of the movie sets the scene for the entire movie. It's a classic!

Narrator

We are often told that happily ever afters exist only in the pages of fairy tales and in the naïve minds of sheltered innocence. And yet, on this bright, sunny Boston afternoon, a talking teddy bear is about to marry his girlfriend, proving two things. Happy endings can come true for anyone and America doesn't give a sh*t about anything.

Clip 2

Sam Jones (yes, Flash Gordon) is presiding over the marriage of Ted and Tami-Lynn.

Sam Jones

Do you, Tami-Lynn McCafferty, take this teddy bear to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Tami-Lynn

I do.

Sam Jones

And do you, Ted, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Ted

Fu*kin' A right I do!

Clip 3

Guy is gay. And there's nothing wrong with that but perhaps he ought to rein it in a bit, especially at Ted and Tami-Lynn's wedding reception.

Guy

Hey, congrats you mo-fos.

Ted

Oh hey, Guy.

Guy

Beautiful ceremony.

Tami-Lynn

Oh thank you so much for being a part of it.

Guy

Hey, this is my new boyfriend, Rick.

Rick

How you doin'?

Tami-Lynn

Good. Good.

Guy

He's a gourmet chef so... he knows how to toss a salad.

Clip 4

Guy can't help himself. This is, in my opinion, a little TOO much information.

Guy

Rick and I are actually about to tie the knot.

Tami-Lynn

Oh, you guys are getting married?

Guy

No, we're just gonna go home and tie our d*cks together.

Rick

Fu*k you.

Guy

Fu*k you.

Rick

Deal.

Clip 5

Why is it that you're never more than two clicks away from looking at black c*cks on the internet? Well, according to John, anyway.

Ted

Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up for Obama Care on the internet but I came back five minutes later she was looking at black c*cks.

John

It seems like every time you go on-line you're two clicks away from black c*cks.

[He pulls his mobile phone out]

Look. See? I Googled Grand Canyon. Here. Look. It says 'Did you mean black c*cks?'

Clip 6

Not sure how they got Jay Leno to agree to this. Blackmail or just a sack load of cash?

Ted

Yeah, hey can I get a Jack Daniels with just a splash of Grey Goose?

Barmaid

Wish I could help you but we're closing.

Ted

C'mon. One drink and I promise I won't tell anybody that Jay Leno comes in here for gay bathroom sex.

Man's voice

Hey, what the fu*k you doin'? Get off of me.

Jay Leno

[Appearing from the men's room]

Sorry. My mistake.

Clip 7

Ted and John perform their own unique version of the theme tune from L.A. Law. Hilarious stuff.

Ted

Let's all go to court. Let's go make some law now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, some law. I say we go to court.

John

Yes. Let's go to court.

Ted

We're a bunch of a**holes who take up a whole hallway with our conversation. Hey, you lawyer guys. You don't know me and Johhny are watching you. While we're high.

Clip 8

Ted's use of John's laptop reveals more than Ted ever dreamed or wanted to know about his best friend.

Ted

Hey, can I use your laptop?

John

Yeah. Go ahead.

Ted

Okay. Thanks.

[Shouting from the adjacent room]

What the FU*K?

John

Holy sh*t, dude. What's the matter? What happened? What's going on?

Ted

There's so much porn.

John

Well what the hell are you doing looking at my private sh*t?

Ted

What are you talking about, 'private sh*t', Johhny... it was wide open. There are literally thousands of files here.

John

Well I've been meaning to clear some of that out.

Ted

Jesus Chr... look at the organisation here. Clockwise rimjob, counter-clockwise rim job...

John

Yeah well sometimes you like seeing a tongue going the other way.

Ted

You sick bastard... look at THIS. Chicks with d*cks? There are no chicks with d*cks, Johnny... only guys with tits.

Clip 9

Ted and John are breaking into Tom Brody's house to steal his... sperm. Yeah. I know. But go with it, okay?

John

Take the damn raincoat off. It's making too much noise.

Ted

P*ss off. I don't want to get any jizz on me.

Clip 10

The police are receiving information about the break-in.

Dispatcher

All units, we have a three-seventeen on Maple Drive. Area units please respond.

Cop 1

What's a three-seventeen?

Cop 2

Someone's trying to steal Tom Brady's jizz again.

Clip 11

John is donating sperm to make Ted's dream of fatherhood come true. They're at the fertility clinic. Obviously. I mean, where ELSE would they be?

Ted

Now look, you haven't smoked pot for two whole days, right?

John

Yes, I told you. I'm clean. All right? You baby's gonna be fine.

Ted

All right. I'm sorry. I just don't want something I've gotta feed with a pitch-fork when he's sixteen.

Clip 12

Ted meets Doctor Danzer at the Fertility Clinic. He can't help himself.

Doctor Danzer

I'm Doctor Danzer.

Ted

Oh cool, hey...

[Singing]

Hold me closer, Doctor Danzer... Hah! Whatever. I don't know.

Doctor Danzer

Right now wait, you look familiar. Are you that teddy bear who came to life?

Ted

I am. That's me, yeah.

Doctor Danzer

See I was trying to figure out where I'd seen you before and, and that's it.

Ted

That's good eye. Good eye. So, uh, how did you get into this line of work? Do you... do you just love cum?

Clip 13

John has pulled a storage rack loaded with sperm samples down on top of him. He's literally covered in semen. The nurse comes in and sees the mess.

Nurse

Oh my GOD!

John

Look I'm so sorry, I...

Ted

I swear to God it was an accident. We're SO sorry.

Nurse

Well, I g... guess it's all right. Those are the rejected Sickle Cell samples.

Ted

Ah, you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.

Clip 14

Tami-Lynn, John and Ted are discussing Ted's classification as property. Joy has an opinion on it, too.

Tami-Lynn

You know, what the hell do they know? It's just a word. They can't change your whole life just by calling you property.

Joy

Bullsh*t. Better ask my ancestors. You know, one minute you in Africa washing your clothes in a river, titties out... you're good. Then all of a sudden, you somewhere 'cross the world fu*king Thomas Jefferson.

Ted

Wow. You make history come alive.

Clip 15

Remember John's opinion that you're never more than two clicks away from pictures of black c*cks? Good. Here it is again.

Ted

But we, we don't know any lawyers. All our friends make sandwiches.

John

No, we just Google Boston lawyers... Jesus, look at THAT black c*ck.

Clip 16

Samantha Jackson. Beautiful, intelligent, off her tits on marijuana. And now she's about to represent Ted in a court of law. Introductions first, though.

Samantha

Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson.

Ted

Ted. How are you?

John

Good to meet you. John.

Ted

Wait, wait, wait. What's your middle name?

Samantha

Lesley.

Ted

Oh my God. So... so you're Sam L. Jackson.

John

That's fu*king great. Just like Sam L. Jackson.

Samantha

Who is that?

Ted

You ever seen any movie, ever? He's the black guy.

Clip 17

Samantha Jackson has shared her bong with Ted and John. In her office. When they're supposed to be discussing Ted's case.

John

That weed is really good. Reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called Here Comes Autism.

Clip 18

Ted and John believe that Samantha is culturally retarded. She's going to prove to them that she is, in fact, highly cultured.

Samantha

Can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?

John

Judy Blume?

Ted

Hitler?

Samantha

F Scott Fitzgerald.

John

Who's that?

Samantha

The author.

John

Well why are you saying 'fu*k him'?

Samantha

What?

Ted

You just said F Scott Fitzgerald. W..w..what did Scott Fitzgerald do to you?

John

Yeah.

Samantha

No. That's his first name.

Ted

His name's Fu*k Scott Fitzgerald?

Samantha

What? No!

John

Well then what does the F stand for?

Samantha

Francis.

Ted

No. It's gotta be Fu*k.

John

It's gotta be Fu*k. It HAS to be fu*k.

Samantha

Why the hell would it be fu*k?

John

Well, 'cos otherwise why wouldn't he just say it?

Ted

Yeah, he's hiding something. It's Fu*k...

John

Come on, read between the lines here.

Ted

His name's Fu*k. It's Fu*k.

Samantha

[Laughs]

That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.

Clip 19

Samantha has joined Ted, John and Tami-Lynn for dinner. The conversation moves onto finances. Or lack thereof.

Samantha

Things are getting really tight, huh?

Ted

Yeah. I've had to do some things I'm not proud of.

[Cut to street scene, TED dressed as a prostitute shouting at passers by]

Ted

BJs here. Get your BJs. Get your red-hot BJs. Toothless and ready to go. Just three dollar. Three dollar. Get your BJs here.

Clip 20

The day of the trial has arrived. Ted is ready. His case is prepared. Tami-Lynn is really scared. And really scary.

Tami-Lynn

Teddy, I'm scared.

Ted

Baby, we're gonna be fine, all right? I don't care what any fu*king piece of paper says. You're my wife.

Tami-Lynn

I love you so much. And I swear to God, if we lose I'm gonna fu*king cut that judge.

Ted

Wait a minute, you brought your switch-blade?

Tami-Lynn

Yeah.

Ted

But they patted us down on the way in here. Where d'you even hide... ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Clip 21

There's a time and place for jokes. But on the stand at a court case you're hoping to win is probably not the best place or time.

Ted

Hey, hey it must be weird for you guys havin' a doll up here on the stand with no kid pointing to where his Uncle touched him.

[Laughs]

Clip 22

Ted and John have taken the girls to a comedy club where they heckle the sh*t out of the comedians from the darkness of the auditorium.

Comedian

So first we need a historical event. Who's got an event?

Ted

9-11.

Comedian

Uh, uh, uh, uh, okay, okay...maybe something else, uh, all right let's start with a person.

John

Robin Williams.

Comedian

Okay, all right, for real guys. For real, uh... who's got a person?

Ted

Robin Williams on 9-11.

Comedian

All right, we've heard from THESE guys. Uh, so let's maybe give someone over here a chance. Um... how about a location? Let's go with a location.

Ted

The offices of Charlie Hebdo.

Comedian

Okay... seriously, Sir. Uh... I just need a location.

John

Ferguson, Missouri.

Ted

German Wings c*ckpit.

Comedian

Okay, I heard Starbucks.

Ted

No you didn't.

John

Nobody said Starbucks.

Comedian

Okay, Starbucks. Now who's IN this Starbucks?

Ted

Bill Cosby.

Comedian

You people are monsters.

Clip 23

Ted is in the back of the car heading for New York. He finds something interesting in the rear footwell.

Ted

Hey, Sam. Why do you have a duffle bag that says Arizona State?

Samantha

'Cos that's where I went to school.

John

Wait, you went to Arizona State?

Samantha

Yeah. Why?

Ted

Oh, man. THAT'S why we lost the case.

John

Hello!

Samantha

You're d*cks.

Ted

Arizona State. Hey how many times you been fu*ked on a houseboat?

[Laughs]

Clip 24

The waitress has just given John what Ted describes as 'fu*k me eyes'. Samantha has never heard the expression before and asks what they mean.

Ted

Oh my God, John... did you see that? She... she was totally giving you the fu*k me eyes.

John

No she wasn't.

Ted

She was giving you the fu*k me eyes.

Samantha

What are the fu*k me eyes?

Ted

Yeah, it's... some women just have fu*k me eyes.

Samantha

Do I have fu*k me eyes?

Ted

No. You have 'give us the ring my precious' eyes.

Clip 25

With only a penis-shaped bong to smoke some quality weed in, Ted sets off to find an old drinks can to make something a little less suggestive to smoke out of.

Ted

Well, I couldn't find any cans but I gotta tell you there's some awesome sh*t in that barn. Take a look at this. I found a cowboy hat and a rifle and a guitar.

John

Hey, be careful with that, huh?

Ted

No, no it's okay. It's not load...

[The rifle fires and TED disappears from shot]

Ted

And... my fu*king nose came off.

Clip 26

Ted is curious about what John and Samantha got up to the previous night in the middle of nowhere.

Ted

So listen. I gotta ask. Was it just kissing last night or was there finger stuff?

[JOHN throws a guitar at TED which knocks him off the hay bale upon which he'd been perched]

Clip 27

Patrick Meighan has considered Ted's case and has some wise (but cutting) words for him. Ted doesn't take it well.

Patrick Meighan

Ted, you're special. You could have been an inspiration to the world. Could have been a leader. A role model. Instead... you're... Justin Bieber.

Ted

Fu*k you!

John

Hey Ted...

Ted

I'm sorry... I'm sorry.

Samantha

He doesn't mean that.

Ted

Please forgive me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Clip 28

When you're tied with duct tape to a table and a psychopath is about to cut you open with a large knife, it's probably worth saying just about anything to get out of the situation.

Ted

Look, Donny. I can never love you. God that sounds fu*ked up. Listen. I don't wanna die. Okay, so... um, what if I gave you a hand job outside your pants while you ate an icecream?

Clip 29

Patrick Meighan has had a change of heart. He's turned up at the hospital to offer his services. The meeting doesn't start well, though.

Patrick Meighan

How you feeling, John?

John

I'm alive.

Patrick Meighan

You're very lucky. I saw what you did on TV.

Ted

Yeah, he saved my ass is what he did.

John

And you know why? Because he's a person. And no matter how many smart-ass Harvard lawyers try to keep him down, you're not going to change that. Not in our eyes. Ted is real. So you can go fu*k yourself.

Patrick Meighan

I will. And as soon as I'm done fu*king myself, I'd like to take your case, Ted.