11 MP3 Audio clips from The Happytime Murders (2018)

PLAY ALL 11 CLIPS

Clip 1

Phil Philips meets his new client, Sandra White for the first time in his office. She has a secret and is being blackmailed by person or puppet unknown.

Phil Philips

Pay us three-hundred and fifty thousand by Saturday or we'll reveal your secret. Hmm. What's your secret?

Sandra White

Well... despite my bookish appearance, I'm a sexual I'mma.

Phil Philips

What's that?

Sandra White

It means if... I'mma get next to it, I'mma gonna fu*k it.

Phil Philips

Come again?

Sandra White

Exactly. And again, and again and again...

Phil Philips

Hmm. I see.

Clip 2

Phil recognised the letter P used on the ransom note. It's from a specialist publication. A VERY specialist publication. Now all he needs is to get his hands on a copy. And Vinny is the man to ask.

Phil Philips

Uh, listen, uh do you have the latest issue of Puppet Pu**y Party?

Vinny

Hmm?

Phil Philips

Puppet Pu**y Party.

Vinny

Yeah... I saw that we got one just in, see...

[VINNY begins rifling under the counter of his shop]

Oh... Felt Fetish Furburger, Ass Puppet Jamboree, Puppet Chicks With Puppet Dicks... Ah. Here we go. Puppet Pu**y Party.

Clip 3

Phil and Connie have gone to visit Ronovan Scargle, Executive Producer of The Happytime Gang. The guy's an a**hole.

Phil Philips

Hello, w... w... what are these here?

[PHIL is indicating some ornate balls in a tray on RONOVAN SCARGLE'S desk]

Ronovan Scargle

Please don't touch my balls. They're made of Tibetan marble. They're very expensive.

Phil Philips

Ah... I apologise. I didn't mean to... cup your balls.

[Laughs]

Clip 4

The conversation with Ronovan Scargle hasn't really improved any. Phil decides it's time to teach the jerk a lesson.

Ronovan Scargle

I have puppet servants at home and they get real uppity if I don't keep them in li...

[He's knocked unconscious with one of his Tibetan marble balls which has been launched at his head by Phil]

Connie Edwards

Holy... sh*tcakes. Have you lost your mind?

Phil Philips

Fu*k him. How else was I supposed to get that fu*king thing without him seeing?

Connie Edwards

Literally any other way than what you just did. ANY other way.

Phil Philips

Oh yeah? I never knocked a guy out with his own balls before.

Clip 5

Connie is at the beach canvassing for people who might have seen Goofer. She comes across a puppet boar raiding a trash can.

Connie Edwards

Hey, man. Have you seen this puppet?

Boar

You know I think he...

[A puppet crab appears from the trash]

Crab

Jacob... we don't talk to meat sacks.

Boar

Oh yeah, what Chuck said.

Crab

Ooh! Show us your titties.

Boar

Yeah, yeah.

Crab

Yeah, come on...

Connie Edwards

That can't actually be your shtick with women. That has never worked for you. Am I right?

Crab

Sure it does.

Boar

Never.

Crab

It does.

Boar

Doesn't..

Crab

Once.

Connie Edwards

I doubt that. I doubt that very much for you.

Crab

Come on, Baby. I can tell you've had crabs before.

Boar

No, Chuck. Chuck, Chuck...

Connie Edwards

I warned you.

[She picks up the crab and drop-kicks it down the beach]

Clip 6

Connie has finally tracked down Goofer, one of the former stars of The Happytime Gang. He's not in a good way. Ripped to the tits on sugar and eager to make money any way he can to fuel his habit.

Connie Edwards

I just wanna know what you know about the Happytime murders.

Goofer

Ohhh... Goofer give you a happy time. Ohhh... ohhh, for fifty cents I'll suck your d*ck.

Connie Edwards

[Laughs]

Well, it's a great price. Makes me wish I had a d*ck for you to suck.

Clip 7

Ezra and Cara are first cousins. They're married and have two children. One has one eye and the other has three. Connie's just seen them in a bedroom.

Phil Philips

[Whispering]

What was that? W... what the hell did you see?

Connie Edwards

[Whispering]

We gotta call Child Services.

Phil Philips

[Whispering]

What?

Connie Edwards

[Whispering]

It's like Children of the Corn.

Phil Philips

[Whispering]

You want chilli with corn?

Connie Edwards

[Whispering]

What... what the fu*k is chilli porn?

Phil Philips

[Whispering]

What?

Connie Edwards

[Whispering]

I can't read your lips, you're a fu*king puppet.

Phil Philips

What the fu*k are you... I don't even know what you're talking about.

Connie Edwards

All I'm seeing is this...

[Mimicking a mouth with her hand]

...you look like a cloth vagina.

Clip 8

Agent Campbell has tracked down Phil Philips and Connie Edwards to Ezra and Cara's shack. They're both in a world of trouble now.

Connie Edwards

[To herself]

Aww... sh*tcakes.

Agent Campbell

Edwards... drop the weapon.

Connie Edwards

[She places her Glock on the ground at her feet]

Agent Campbell

Put the weapon down. Drop the weapon.

Connie Edwards

I did.

Agent Campbell

NOW!

Connie Edwards

Wh... somebody want to help out Stevie Ray Vaughan here? 'Cos he's obviously fu*king blind.

Agent Campbell

Stevie Ray Vaughan is not blind.

[Whispering]

Jesus Christ...

Connie Edwards

A**hole says what?

Agent Campbell

What?

[CONNIE and PHIL begin to chuckle]

Clip 9

Connie has been suspended for harbouring a known felon. She's handed in her gun and badge and now it's time for a game of home truths in the office.

Connie Edwards

Fu*k all of you guys. Fu*k you, Wreach. You know what? It's my fu*king charger that you never asked for and you never gave back.

Agent Campbell

Nice.

Connie Edwards

You all fu*king suck.

Agent Campbell

Yeah yeah... burn every bridge. Good.

Connie Edwards

And you know what? Everyone knows Karen is not a real redhead.

Karen

I'm a real redhead.

Connie Edwards

No you're not. You had enough bush coming out of your cut-offs at the family picnic to fu*king choke a horse.

Agent Campbell

Jeez...

Connie Edwards

Carol... we never got to talk but you seem cool. And I wish I would've fu*ked you, Donny.

Donny

It's not too late!

Clip 10

Bubbles has gone to Connie's apartment to ask for her help in saving her boss from a fate worse than a fate worse than death.

Bubbles

Listen, I need your help to save him. Do you know what they'll do to a puppet ex-cop in prison? They will tear out all of his stuffing and fill him back up with rice pilaf. And then they'll fu*k it...

Connie Edwards

Okay, just...

Bubbles

They fu*k that rice pilaf until it's more like a mashed potato.

Connie Edwards

Okay.

Bubbles

It's a term they call... pilafing.

Clip 11

Connie and Bubbles have found the killer's secret lair. Connie now knows who she is and why she's doing what she's going. Oh and the colour of her pubic hair!

Connie Edwards

I guess the carpet DOES match the drapes.

Bubbles

[Gasps]

I knew this skirt was see-through. I just don't like wearing underwear. I don't like the way it feels.

Connie Edwards

I'm not talking about you.