30 MP3 Audio clips from Blackadder Goes Forth (1989)

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Blackadder is discussing Baldrick's questionable culinary talents.

Blackadder

Your Filet Mignon in sauce Bernaise look like dog-turds in glue.

Baldrick

That's because they are.

Blackadder

Your Plum Duff tastes like it's a molehill decorated with rabbit droppings.

Baldrick

I thought you wouldn't notice.

Blackadder

And your cream custard has the texture of cat's vomit.

Baldrick

Again, it's um...

Blackadder

If you were to serve up one of your meals in Staff HQ, you'd be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning since Lucretia Borgia invited 500 of her close friends around for a wine and anthrax party.

Captain Darling. A man with a very silly and oft-mocked surname.

Blackadder

What do you want, Darling?

Darling

It's Captain Darling to you.

Blackadder is being groomed to become the regiment's official war artist. His first assignment? A cover for King and Country.

Melchett

King and Country.

Blackadder

Ah, yes. Without question my favourite magazine. Soft, strong and thoroughly absorbent.

Melchett

Top hole, Blackadder. I thought it would be right up your alley. Now...

George asks the most ridiculous questions. And a ridiculous question deserves a ridiculous answer.

George

Oh, Sir. Just one thing. If we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?

Blackadder

Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.

Blackadder has shot and eaten Melchett's favourite carrier pigeon, 'Speckled Jim' and Melchett is far from happy about it.

Darling

Quite frankly sir, I've suspected this for some time. Quite clearly, Captain Blackadder has been disobeying orders with a breathtaking impertinence.

Melchett

I don't care if he's been rogering the Duke of York with a prize-winning leak! He shot my pigeon!

[Screams]

Darling

Easy, Sir. Easy, Sir. Take it easy, Sir.

George has taken on the role of defence counsel in Blackadder's court-marshall for shooting Speckled Jim.

Blackadder

So, counsel, with that summing up in mind, what do you think my chances are?

George

Well, not all that good I'm afraid. As far as I can tell you're as guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo.

Darling is hardly a source of comfort and reassurance in times of trouble. Blackadder is in no mood to suffer his attitude.

Darling

I wouldn't raise your hopes too much, you're guilty as hell, you haven't got a chance.

Blackadder

Why thank you, Darling. And... and I hope your mother dies in a freak yachting accident.

Blackadder is facing a firing-squad but he greets the morning with optimism and stoicism.

Blackadder

Morning!

Firing Squad

'Morning.

Perkins

I must say, Captain, I've... I've got to admire your balls.

Blackadder

Perhaps later.

'Saucy' Bobby Parkhurst is not your average soldier. She is, in fact, a woman. Not that Melchett knows that.

Melchett

Well then, Bob, I'll leave you two together. Why don't you get to know each other, play a game of cribbage, have a smoke, something like that. They tell me that Captain Blackadder has rather a good line in rough shag. Um, I'm sure he'd be happy to fill your pipe. Carry on.

[Exits]

George has been masquerading as the lovely Georgina and now Melchett wants to take 'her' to the Regimental Ball.

Blckadder

Well, I'll see what I can do, but I must insist that she be home by midnight and that there be no hanky-panky, Sir, whatsoever.

Melchett

I shall, of course, respect your wishes, Blackadder. However, I don't think you need to be quite so protective. I'm sure she's a girl with a great deal more spunk than most women you find.

Blackadder mistakes British flying-corps aircraft for the Luftwaffe and has some stern words for the Air Chief Marshall.

Blackadder

[On the telephone]

Hello? Yes, yes, I'd like to leave a message for the head of the Flying Corps., please. That's Air Chief Marshall Sir Hugh Massingberd-Massingberd, VC, DFC and Bar. Message reads "Where are you, you bastard?"

Introducing Lord Flasheart, British flying ace and, apparently, fanny-magnet extraordinaire!

Flasheart

Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out that I'm missing, five hundred girls will kill themselves. I wouldn't want them on my conscience. Not when they ought to be on my face! Huh!

Flasheart has called for a car to take him from the trenches. He's about to give some 'rubber-desked Johhny' a piece of his mind.

Blackadder

Look, do you think you could make your obscene phone call somewhere else?

Flasheart

No, not in half an hour, you rubber-desked Johnny. Send the b**ch with the wheels right now or I'll fly back to England and give your wife something to hang her towels on.

So charismatic is Flasheart that Baldrick eagerly volunteers to be his foot-stool. Bringing him rather too close to the man's bottom.

Flasheart

You look like a decent British bloke. I'll park the old booties on you if that's okay.

Baldrick

It would be an honour, my Lord.

Flasheart

Of course it would.

[He puts his feet on BALDRICK'S back]

Have you any idea what it's like to have the wind rushing through your hair?

George

No, Sir.

[FLASHEART noisily breaks wind right into BALDRICK'S face]

Flasheart

He has. Lucky devil...

Blackadder and George have joined the 'twenty minuters' and are about to receive their basic training from Lord Flasheart.

Flasheart

[From outside the classroom]

Hey, girls... look at my machinery.

[Girls are heard screaming adoringly]

Enter the man who has no underwear. Ask me why.

Group

Why do you have no underwear, Lord Flash?

Flasheart

Because the pants haven't been built yet that'll take the job on.

The training continues. Lord Flasheart imparts that you should always treat your aircraft like you treat your woman.

Flasheart

Always treat your kite like you treat your woman.

George

How... how do you mean, Sir? Do you mean, um, do you mean take her home at the weekend to meet your mother?

Flasheart

No. I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to Heaven and back.

Having crash-landed behind enemy lines on their inaugural mission, Blackadder and Baldrick are about to meet Oberleutnant von Gerhardt for the first time.

von Gerhardt

Good evening. I am Oberleutnant von Gerhardt. I have a message from the Baron von Richthoven, the greatest living German.

Blackadder

Which, considering that his competition consists entirely of very fat men in leather shorts burping to the tune of 'She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain', is no great achievement.

von Gerhardt

QUIET!

[He punches BALDRICK in the face for BLACKADDER'S impertinence]

Baron von Richtoven has attended the cell in which Blackadder and Baldrick are being held. As he leaves, he makes Baldrick an offer he probably should refuse.

von Richtoven

Oh, and ze little fellow...if you get lonely in ze night, I'm in ze old chateau... zere's no pressure.

Flasheart has such a way with words and when Blackadder resolutely refuses to be rescued, he makes his displeasure known.

Flasheart

Now I may be packing the kind of tackle that you'd normally expect to find swinging about between the hind legs of a Grand National winner, but I'm not totally stupid...

Flasheart meets Captain Darling for the second time. This meeting is not going to go well.

Flasheart

Captain Darling? Funny name for a guy, isn't it? Last person I called 'Darling' was pregnant twenty seconds later.

Nurse Brown. Caring, loving, kind and, as it turns out, not the 'fluffy bunny' that she pretends to be.

Nurse Brown

Look, if I can't give my brave boys a kind word and a big smile, what can I give them?

Blackadder

Well, one or two ideas do suggest themselves, but you'd probably think they were unhygienic.

Blackadder is heading up 'Operation Winkle'. His mission is to winkle out the spy. Melchett has these words of encouragement for him.

Melchett

Excellent. And if you come back with the information, Captain Darling will pump you thoroughly in the debriefing room.

Blackadder

Not while I have my strength, he won't.

Behind closed doors, Nurse Brown is a little minx and Blackadder is in big, big trouble in the pants department.

Nurse Brown

Tell me, Captain Blackadder...

Blackadder

...Edmund...

Nurse Brown

Edmund. When this war is over do you think we might get to know each-other a little better?

Blackadder

Yes, why not? When this madness is finished, perhaps we could go cycling together, take a trip down to the Old Swan at Henley and go for a walk in the woods.

Nurse Brown

Yes, or we could just do it right now on the desk.

Blackadder

Yeah, OK.

In post-coital bliss on a bed in her office, Blackadder and Nurse Brown discuss their romantic histories. This leads to a mammoth misunderstanding.

Blackadder

What about you? Have you got a man? Some fine fellow in an English country village? A vicar, maybe? Quiet, gentle, hung like a baboon...

Nurse Brown

There was a man I cared for a little. Wonderful chap... strong, athletic...

Blackadder

What happened to him?

Nurse Brown

He bought it.

Blackadder

I'm so sorry. I didn't realise that was the arrangement. Erm, so what's it been? Twelve nights, let's say nine afternoons... how much is... oh, and a couple of mornings...

Nurse Brown

I mean he died.

If there's one thing that life in the British Army has taught Melchett, it's never to ignore a pooh-pooh.

Melchett

Is this true, Blackadder? Did Captain Darling pooh-pooh you?

Blackadder

Well, perhaps a little.

Melchett

Well then, damn it all, how much more evidence do you need? The pooh-poohing alone is a court-martial offence!

Blackadder

I can assure you, sir, that the pooh-poohing was purely circumstantial.

Melchett

Well, I hope so, Blackadder. You know, if there's one thing I've learned from being in the army, it's never ignore a pooh-pooh. I knew a Major, got pooh-poohed... made the mistake of ignoring the pooh-pooh. He pooh-poohed it. Fatal error, because it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing a lot of other officers, who pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs. In the end, we had to disband the regiment. Morale totally destroyed... by pooh-pooh!

This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you have a moment... Blackadder will describe the proportions of the crisis.

Blackadder

Baldrick!

Baldrick

Captain B.

Blackadder

This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you've got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour porterage, and an enormous sign on the roof, saying 'This is a Large Crisis'. A large crisis requires a large plan.

Is it the Frenchies or the Germans to whom Blackadder and the gang should be giving a good licking? Well, Melchett certainly doesn't want to lick a German.

Melchett

Now then, soldier, are you looking forward to giving those Frenchies a damned good licking?

Darling

Er, no, sir... it's the Germans we shall be licking, sir.

Melchett

Don't be revolting, Darling! I wouldn't lick a German if he was glazed in honey!

War poetry. Moving, emotive, memorable. Unless, of course, you're Private Baldrick. Then it's just bloody awful.

Baldrick

Hear the words I sing. War's a horrid thing. So I sing sing sing. Ding-a-ling-a-ling.

George

[Applauding]

Oh, bravo, yes!

Blackadder

Yes. Well, it started badly, it tailed off a little in the middle and the less said about the end, the better. But, apart from that, excellent.

Baldrick

Oh, shall I do another one, then, sir?

Blackadder

No, we wouldn't want to exhaust you.

Baldrick

No, don't worry... I could go on all night.

Blackadder

Not with a bayonet through your neck, you couldn't!

Blackadder reminisces on the changes to the Army in the time since he joined up. Specifically, the mess that the Nazis made of his formerly cushy career!

Blackadder

No, when I joined up I never imagined anything as awful as this war. I'd had fifteen years of military experience, perfecting the art of ordering a pink gin and saying 'Do you do it doggy-doggy?' in Swahili. And then suddenly four-and-a-half million heavily armed Germans hoved into view.

Baldrick is grieving the loss of his pet rat, Neville. Blackadder has, it seems, found an ingenious use for the rodent's corpse.

Baldrick

It didn't have to happen, Sir! If it wasn't for this terrible war, Neville would still be here today, sniffling his little nose and going 'Eek.'

Blackadder

On the other hand, if he hadn't died, I wouldn't have been able to insert a curtain rod in his bottom and use him as a dish mop.