10 MP3 Audio clips from Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

Jesus is addressing a crowd on The Mount. Sadly, he can hardly be heard at the back and this leads to some confrontation.

Mr. Cheeky

See? If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Big Nose.

Mr. Big Nose

Hey. Say that once more; I'll smash your bloody face in.

Mr. Cheeky

Better keep listening. Might be a bit about 'Blessed are the big noses.'

Brian

Oh, lay off him.

Mr. Cheeky

Oh, you're not so bad yourself, Conkface. Where are you two from? Nose City?

Mr. Big Nose

One more time, mate; I'll take you to the fu*kin' cleaners!

Mrs. Big Nose

Language!

Clip 2

Brian has just been told by his mother that his father wasn't, in fact, a Jewish man named Mr. Cohen but rather a Roman Centurion. He's having none of it.

Brian

I'm not a Roman, Mum, and I never will be! I'm a Kike! A Yid! A Hebe! A Hook-nose! I'm Kosher, Mum! I'm a Red Sea Pedestrian, and proud of it!

Clip 3

Stan is a member of the People's Front of Judea. He also wants to be a woman and have babies.

Stan

Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.

Francis

Why are you always on about women, Stan?

Stan

I want to be one.

Reg

What?

Stan

I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.

Reg

What?!

Loretta

It's my right as a man.

Judith

Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?

Loretta

I want to have babies.

Reg

You want to have babies?!

Loretta

It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.

Reg

But... you can't have babies.

Loretta

Don't you oppress me.

Reg

I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!

Clip 4

Don't ever, EVER call the People's Front of Judea the Judean People's Front. I did that once. Big mistake.

Brian

Are you the Judean People's Front?

Reg

Fu*k off!

Brian

What?

Reg

Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea!

Clip 5

What have the Romans ever done for us? This goes on too long to fully transcribe but it's a classic and needed to be featured in full.

Reg

And what have they ever given us in return?!

Xerxes

The aqueduct?

Reg

What?

Xerxes

The aqueduct.

Reg

Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that's true. Yeah.

Commando #3

And the sanitation.

Loretta

Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like?

Reg

Yeah. All right. I'll grant you the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done.

Matthias

And the roads.

Reg

Well, yeah. Obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads...

Commando

Irrigation.

Xerxes

Medicine.

Commandos

Huh? Heh? Huh...

Commando #2

Education.

Commandos

Ohh...

Reg

Yeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough.

Commando #1

And the wine.

Commandos

Oh, yes. Yeah...

Francis

Yeah. Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left. Huh.

Commando

Public baths...

Loretta

And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.

Francis

Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it. They're the only ones who could in a place like this.

Commandos

[Laugh]

Reg

All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

Xerxes

Brought peace?

Reg

Oh. Peace? Shut up!

Clip 6

Pilate can't pronounce his R's. His friend is Biggus Dickus. I've edited this scene down slightly but it's still hilariously funny.

Pilate

So, your father was a Wo-man. Who was he?

Brian

He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrison, Sir.

Pilate

Weally? What was his name?

Brian

'Nortius Maximus'.

[A nearby Centurion begins to laugh and then stops himself]

Pilate

Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?

Centurion

Well, no, Sir. I think it's a joke, Sir,... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', Sir.

[Another soldier begins to snigger]

Pilate

What's so... funny about 'Biggus Dickus'?

Centurion

Well, it's a joke name, Sir.

Pilate

I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.

[There's widespread sniggering from the collected soldiers]

Pilate

SILENCE! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in Gladiator School very quickly with rotten behaviour like that. He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks...

[Laughter erupts as the soldiers are unable to contain themselves any longer]

Clip 7

Brian has been mistaken for the Messiah. He's legged it across the desert but he's been cornered. It's time to talk his way out of this.

Girl

Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.

Brian

What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!

Crowd

He is! He is the Messiah!

Brian

Now, fu*k off!

Arthur

How shall we fu*k off, O Lord?

Clip 8

This is the seminal line from the movie. The one that everybody remembers. And I've kept it short and to the point. Enjoy.

Mandy

He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! Now, go away!

Clip 9

Isn't it strange how Roman Centurions can, at times, sound exactly like London police officers in old TV shows?!

Centurion

You're fu*kin' nicked, me old beauty. Right...

Clip 10

Pilate and Biggus Dickus are addressing the crowd. Sadly they both have speech impediments and this is causing hilarity for the citizens.

Biggus Dickus

Wath it thomething I thaid?

Pilate

Silence! This man commands a cwack legion!

[Laughter erupts again]

Pilate

He wa*ks as high as any in Wome!

[The laughter is now like wild-fire]