10 MP3 Audio clips from Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979)
Taking the birth, life and death of Jesus and making a comedy loosely based upon it was risky. Controversial but remarkably clever and funny, this movie is sure to put a smile on your face. Saying that, apologies to anybody offended by what you're about to hear. Any views expressed in these clips are not necessarily my own!
Taking the birth, life and death of Jesus and making a comedy loosely based upon it was risky. Controversial but remarkably clever and funny, this movie is sure to put a smile on your face. Saying that, apologies to anybody offended by what you're about to hear. Any views expressed in these clips are not necessarily my own!
Jesus is addressing a crowd on The Mount. Sadly, he can hardly be heard at the back and this leads to some confrontation.
Mr. Cheeky
See? If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Big Nose.
Mr. Big Nose
Hey. Say that once more; I'll smash your bloody face in.
Mr. Cheeky
Better keep listening. Might be a bit about 'Blessed are the big noses.'
Brian
Oh, lay off him.
Mr. Cheeky
Oh, you're not so bad yourself, Conkface. Where are you two from? Nose City?
Mr. Big Nose
One more time, mate; I'll take you to the fu*kin' cleaners!
Mrs. Big Nose
Language!
Clip 2
Brian has just been told by his mother that his father wasn't, in fact, a Jewish man named Mr. Cohen but rather a Roman Centurion. He's having none of it.
Brian
I'm not a Roman, Mum, and I never will be! I'm a Kike! A Yid! A Hebe! A Hook-nose! I'm Kosher, Mum! I'm a Red Sea Pedestrian, and proud of it!
Clip 3
Stan is a member of the People's Front of Judea. He also wants to be a woman and have babies.
Stan
Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
Francis
Why are you always on about women, Stan?
Stan
I want to be one.
Reg
What?
Stan
I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.
Reg
What?!
Loretta
It's my right as a man.
Judith
Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
Loretta
I want to have babies.
Reg
You want to have babies?!
Loretta
It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg
But... you can't have babies.
Loretta
Don't you oppress me.
Reg
I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!
Clip 4
Don't ever, EVER call the People's Front of Judea the Judean People's Front. I did that once. Big mistake.
Brian
Are you the Judean People's Front?
Reg
Fu*k off!
Brian
What?
Reg
Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea!
Clip 5
What have the Romans ever done for us? This goes on too long to fully transcribe but it's a classic and needed to be featured in full.
Reg
And what have they ever given us in return?!
Xerxes
The aqueduct?
Reg
What?
Xerxes
The aqueduct.
Reg
Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that's true. Yeah.
Commando #3
And the sanitation.
Loretta
Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like?
Reg
Yeah. All right. I'll grant you the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done.
Matthias
And the roads.
Reg
Well, yeah. Obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads...
Commando
Irrigation.
Xerxes
Medicine.
Commandos
Huh? Heh? Huh...
Commando #2
Education.
Commandos
Ohh...
Reg
Yeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough.
Commando #1
And the wine.
Commandos
Oh, yes. Yeah...
Francis
Yeah. Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left. Huh.
Commando
Public baths...
Loretta
And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.
Francis
Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it. They're the only ones who could in a place like this.
Commandos
[Laugh]
Reg
All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Xerxes
Brought peace?
Reg
Oh. Peace? Shut up!
Clip 6
Pilate can't pronounce his R's. His friend is Biggus Dickus. I've edited this scene down slightly but it's still hilariously funny.
Pilate
So, your father was a Wo-man. Who was he?
Brian
He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrison, Sir.
Pilate
Weally? What was his name?
Brian
'Nortius Maximus'.
[A nearby Centurion begins to laugh and then stops himself]
Pilate
Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Centurion
Well, no, Sir. I think it's a joke, Sir,... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', Sir.
[Another soldier begins to snigger]
Pilate
What's so... funny about 'Biggus Dickus'?
Centurion
Well, it's a joke name, Sir.
Pilate
I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.
[There's widespread sniggering from the collected soldiers]
Pilate
SILENCE! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in Gladiator School very quickly with rotten behaviour like that. He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks...
[Laughter erupts as the soldiers are unable to contain themselves any longer]
Clip 7
Brian has been mistaken for the Messiah. He's legged it across the desert but he's been cornered. It's time to talk his way out of this.
Girl
Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian
What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Crowd
He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian
Now, fu*k off!
Arthur
How shall we fu*k off, O Lord?
Clip 8
This is the seminal line from the movie. The one that everybody remembers. And I've kept it short and to the point. Enjoy.
Mandy
He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! Now, go away!
Clip 9
Isn't it strange how Roman Centurions can, at times, sound exactly like London police officers in old TV shows?!
Centurion
You're fu*kin' nicked, me old beauty. Right...
Clip 10
Pilate and Biggus Dickus are addressing the crowd. Sadly they both have speech impediments and this is causing hilarity for the citizens.