16 MP3 Audio clips from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)

PLAY ALL 16 CLIPS

Clip 1

Doctor Evil is returning to Earth through the upper atmosphere and has appeared on NORAD's radar. Ritter calls Commander Gilmore to notify him of a possible threat. In the shape of a Big Boy.

Gilmore

[Answering the phone]

Yes?

Ritter

Commander Gilmore?

Gilmore

Speaking.

Ritter

Commander, this is Ritter at Sou'west Comm. 3. We have a potential bogey with erratic vectoring and unorthodox entry angle...

Gilmore

What are you... saying, Son?

Ritter

Well, it appears to be in the shape of a Big Boy.

Gilmore

Good God. He's back.

Ritter

Well, in many ways the Big Boy never left, Sir. He's always offered the same high-quality meals at competitive prices.

Gilmore

Shut up!

Clip 2

Austin Powers has been frozen for thirty years and (apparently) has lost his inner monologue. And when he sets eyes on Vanessa, he can't help himself.

Austin

My God, Vanessa's got a fabulous body. And I bet she shags like a minx. How do I tell them that because of the unfreezing process I have no inner monologue? I... hope I didn't say that out loud just now.

[Laughs uncomfortably]

Clip 3

Vanessa explains her role. But she needn't worry. Because so long as nothing has changed since 1967, Austin reckons he'll be absolutely fine.

Vanessa

Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimatise you to the 90's. You know, a lot's changed since 1967.

Austin

No doubt, Love but as long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound.

Clip 4

Austin is signing for his belongings prior to being released from the cryogenic facility. One item in particular is set to cause embarrassment.

MOD Sergeant

Okay... Austin 'Danger' Powers. One blue crushed velvet suit.

Austin

Hey, all right.

MOD Sergeant

One frilly lace cravat.

Austin

There it is.

MOD Sergeant

One silver medallion with male symbol. One pair of Italian boots.

Austin

Buongiorno, boys!

MOD Sergeant

One vinyl record album, Burt Bacharach Plays His Hits.

Austin

Hello, Burt. How are you?

MOD Sergeant

One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump.

Austin

That's not mine.

MOD Sergeant

One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger... signed by Austin Powers.

Austin

I'm telling you, Baby... that's not mine.

MOD Sergeant

One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump... filled out by Austin Powers.

Austin

I don't even know what this is. This sort of thing ain't my bag, Baby.

MOD Sergeant

One book... 'Swedish-made Penis Enlarger Pumps & Me... This Sort of Thing is My Bag, Baby'... by Austin Powers.

Austin

Ah.

Clip 5

Doctor Evil has dispensed with Mustafa by triggering a trapdoor to a pit of fire beneath the conference table. But Mustafa is made of stronger stuff, as Doctor Evil is about to discover.

Doctor Evil

Let this be a reminder to you all that this organisation will not tolerate failure.

Mustafa

[Screams several times from beneath the floor]

Doctor Evil

Gentlemen, let's get down to business.

Mustafa

[More screams emanate from below]

Doctor Evil

We've got a lot of work to do.

Mustafa

Someone help me! I... I'm still alive only I'm very badly burned.

Doctor Evil

Some of you I know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time.

Mustafa

Hello up there. Anyone? Can someone call an ambulance... I'm in quite... a lot of pain.

Doctor Evil

Okay. You've all been gathered here to form my evil cabinet... excuse me.

[DOCTOR EVIL lifts the receiver on his big red telephone and has a hushed conversation with one of his henchmen]

Mustafa

If somebody can open the retrieval hatch down here I can get out. See, I designed this device myself.

[A door is heard opening off-camera]

Mustafa

Oh. Hi. Good. I'm glad you found me. Listen... I'm very badly burned so if you could just...

[A single gunshot is heard]

Mustafa

You SHOT ME!

Doctor Evil

Okay, moving on...

Mustafa

You shot me right in the arm. Why did...

[A second gunshot rings out and silence ensues]

Clip 6

Doctor Evil is introducing the assassins sat around his conference table. Paddy O'Brien doesn't realise how daft what he's about to say sounds!

Doctor Evil

Paddy O'Brien. Ex-Irish assassin. His trademark... a superstitious man, he leaves a tiny keepsake from his good luck bracelet on every victim he kills. Scotland Yard would love to get their hands on that piece of evidence.

Paddy O'Brien

Yeah... they're always after me lucky charms.

Clip 7

Austin and Vanessa are aboard his personal Boeing 747. He can't resist hitting on her.

Austin

How does a hot chick like you end up working at the Ministry of Defence?

Vanessa

Oh, well, I went to Oxford where I excelled in several subjects but I ended up specialising in foreign languages. You know, I really wanted to travel. You know, sort of see the world...

Austin

That's fascinating, Vanessa. Listen, why don't we go in the back and shag?

Vanessa

What?

Austin

I've been frozen for thirty years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working.

Vanessa

Excuse me?

Austin

My wedding tackle...

Vanessa

Uh, look... I'm sorry

Austin

My meat and two veg. My twig and berries. Hello lads, you still awake...

Vanessa

Oh no, Mister Powers, Mister Powers, please...

Clip 8

Austin and Vanessa are sharing a room in Vegas. But Austin wants to share a bed. Vanessa isn't at all happy with this potential arrangement.

Vanessa

In fact, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you that the only reason we're sharing a room is to keep up the context that we're a married couple on vacation.

Austin

Right. Shall we shag now or shall we shag later? How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? You know, top and tails. Whore's bath. Personally, before I'm on the job I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how's your father.

Clip 9

Austin meets Number Two at the Blackjack table. He's with his Italian Confidential Secretary who has a frankly unbelievable name.

Number Two

My name is Number Two. This is my Italian Confidential Secretary. Her name is Alotta. Alotta Fagina.

Austin

Come again?

Alotta Fagina

Alotta Fagina.

Austin

Ah, I'm sorry. I'm just not getting it. It sounded like you said your name was a lot of... never mind!

Clip 10

Austin is in a toilet cubicle next to a Texan when he is attacked by Paddy O'Brien. Paddy mistakes the groaning and splashing for something entirely different.

Austin

[Groaning as he is strangled from behind]

Texan

Hey, Partner... come on you've gotta relax. Don't force it. You're gonna blow out your oil ring... drop a lung.

Austin

[After some further groaning he manages to dunk Paddy head-first into the toilet bowl]

Who...does...Number...Two... work...for? Who... does... Number... Two... work... for?

Texan

That's right, buddy... you show that turd who's boss. Hey, hey, just grab a hold of something, bite your lip and give it hell. Come on. We're gonna get through this.

[PADDY is drowning and exhaling under water making some fairly disgusting noises in the process]

Texan

Hey... that... that sounds pretty nasty. How 'bout a courtesy flush over there?

[AUSTIN pulls the flush and succeeds in drowning PADDY O'BRIEN who is left upside-down with his head down the toilet bowl. AUSTIN then leaves the cubicle door open and THE TEXAN sees what AUSTIN has left behind]

Texan

Jesus Christ, boy. What did you eat?!

Clip 11

Austin and Vanessa are staking out the Virtucon HQ through binoculars.

Austin

That's Doctor Evil's cat.

Vanessa

How can you tell?

Austin

I never forget a pu**y... cat.

Clip 12

Vanessa is drunk in the Vegas hotel room and she and Austin end up on the bed. She's keen to move things along but he's uncharacteristically reluctant.

Vanessa

You know, I haven't had this much fun since college.

Austin

Well, I'm sorry.

Vanessa

Why?

Austin

I'm sorry that bug up your ass had to die.

Clip 13

Austin has ended up in a hot tub with a naked Alotta Fagina. She's trying to seduce him. He can't help but crack a funny.

Alotta Fagina

In Japan, men come first and women come second.

Austin

Or sometimes not at all.

[Laughs]

Clip 14

Basil is introducing Austin to his mother who happens to be with him. Austin mistakes her for an assassin and his training kicks in.

Basil Exposition

Oh, Austin... I'd like you to meet somebody. This is my mother. Mrs. Exposition.

Mrs. Exposition

How do you do?

[AUSTIN punches MRS. EXPOSITION in the face and she falls to the floor]

Vanessa

AUSTIN!

Basil Exposition

My God, man. What have you done?

Austin

That's not your mother. It's a MAN, baby.

Basil Exposition

You have a lot of explaining to do.

Austin

I'm sorry, Basil. I thought she was a man.

Basil Exposition

Damn it, man... you're talking about my MOTHER!

Austin

Well, you have to admit... she is rather 'manish'.

Basil Exposition

Austin!

Austin

Well, no offence but if that IS a woman it does look like she was beaten with an ugly stick.

Basil Exposition

WHAT?!

Vanessa

Really, Austin.

Clip 15

Doctor Evil and his son are attending family therapy. The counsellor has asked Doctor Evil to tell the group about his childhood. BIG mistake.

Doctor Evil

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloé with webbed feet. My father would womanise, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical... summers in Rangoon, luge lessons... in the Spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking. I suggest you try it.

Counsellor

You know... we have to stop.

Clip 16

Vanessa has found out about Austin's mission to Alotta Fagina's penthouse and is feeling the first stirrings of jealousy. She talks to Austin about her feelings.

Vanessa

I... I don't want to sound paranoid but I've had some bad relationships in the past and I have been known to be jealous. Sorry.

Austin

No, don't be sorry, Baby. You're right to be suspicious. I shagged her.

Vanessa

What?

Austin

I shagged her rotten, Baby. Yeah!

Vanessa

I don't believe you, Austin. And she was repellent.

Austin

Saucer of milk, table two. Meow!