15 MP3 Audio clips from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)

PLAY ALL 15 CLIPS

Clip 1

Austin and Vanessa are consummating their marriage. Again. And again. And again!

[From behind the door of the Honeymoon Suite we hear VANESSA KENSINGTON having an orgasm]

Vanessa

Oh... God!

Austin

Ohhhh... and I'm spent! Wooo!

Vanessa

Do you smoke after sex?

Austin

I dunno, Baby. I never looked!

[Laughs]

Clip 2

Austin has just made the horrifying discovery that his wife and one true love is, in fact, a Fembot.

Austin

Oh my God.

[VANESSA lifts him up by the throat. He grabs at her face which comes away to reveal a robot face beneath]

Vanessa. You're a fembot!

Fembot

No sh*t, Sherlock.

[9mm gun barrels pop out from where VANESSA'S nipples should be]

Austin

Machine gun jubblies? How did I miss those, Baby?

Fembot

Perhaps next time you should try foreplay.

Austin

Right...

[The FEMBOT opens fire]

Clip 3

Austin has popped in to his studio in Carnaby Street for a quick photoshoot. One of the models is new to him. Predictably, she has a suitably smutty name.

Austin

Who are you, Baby?

Ivanna

Ivanna. Ivanna Humpalot.

Austin

Excuse me?

Ivanna

Ivanna Humpalot.

Clip 4

We're introduced to Austin's new nemesis, Fat Bastard. Fat Bastard by name, fat bastard by nature.

Doctor Evil

He's a disgruntled Scottish Guard known for his lethal temper and his unusual eating habits. He weighs a metric tonne. His name... Fat Bastard.

Clip 5

And just when you thought you couldn't find Fat Bastard any more repugnant, he comes out with something like this.

Fat Bastard

Mister English Colonel telling me to lose weight... ooooohhhh, I'm a hard-case he says. Well listen up, Sonny Jim... I ate a baby. Oh aye... baby. The other, other white meat. Baby. It's what's for dinner.

Clip 6

Austin has time-travelled back to his 60's swingers club where he meets a very attractive woman with a very unusual name.

Austin

Who are you today, Baby?

Robin

[Laughs]

My name is Robin Swallows.

Austin

Swallows. That's an interesting name.

Robin

Maiden name Spitz.

Austin

Well which is it, Baby? Spitz or Swallows?

[Laughs]

Clip 7

This is the moment when we're first introduced to Felicity Shagwell, a scorching hot CIA Agent who's about to become Austin's sidekick AND lover.

Austin

Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, Baby?

Felicity

Well you can start by buying me a drink.

Clip 8

You remember the Mustafa gag from the first movie right? The one where he got burned? Well this time he's fallen down a cliff. He's still alive but very badly injured.

Mustafa

Hello up there. I seem to have fallen down a cliff. I'm still alive but I'm very badly injured. I think my legs might be broken but I'll... I'll try to stand up.

[There's a revolting snapping sound]

Mustafa

Aargh! Yes. They are broken. Perhaps you could toss me a band aid? Or some anti-bacterial cream? I'm in an extraordinary... ly large amount of pain. The bone has gone through the skin. I fear it might be gangrenous. The wound is beginning to smell a little like almonds. Which is not good. Please? No-one?

Austin

Sorry.

Mustafa

I'll try the other leg.

[Another horrible cracking sound courtesy of the foley editor]

Mustafa

Oowwwwwwww!

Clip 9

There's such a thing as too much information. Somebody really should tell Fat Bastard though because this dialogue is enough to put you off your dinner. For life.

Fat Bastard

First things first. Where's your sh*tter? I've got a turtle head poking out.

Doctor Evil

Charming.

Fat Bastard

I'm no' kidding. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. Ohhh. It's squidgy. Ohhh, Christ... I'm getting all emotional from it, you know?

Clip 10

Felicity is experiencing one of Austin's world famous massages. She's liking it. Rather a lot.

Austin

How does that feel, Baby?

Felicity

Mmmmm... lower.

Austin

[Putting on a deep voice]

How does that feel, Baby?

Clip 11

Some idiot has placed a pot of coffee right next to Fat Bastard's stool sample in the lab. Predictably, Austin has got the two confused and poured himself a mug of... yeah. A mug of sh*t.

Austin

Caw... this coffee smells like sh*t.

Basil

It is sh*t, Austin.

Austin

Oh good. Then it's not just me.

Clip 12

Don't ask me how but Austin's head has become trapped between Felicity's breasts. I mean we've all been there but I've never called them 'dirty pillows' before.

Austin

Sorry, Love. I got stuck in your dirty pillows.

Clip 13

Why does nobody ever get tired of penis jokes? Anyway, to give you some context, Doctor Evil's rocket ship looks like a penis. A penis with two testicles to be exact.

Johnson

Colonel? You'd better take a look at this radar.

Colonel

What is it, son?

Johnson

I don't know, sir. But it looks like a giant-

[Cut to interior of fast jet]

Pilot

D*CK!

CSO

Yeah.

Pilot

Take a look out of starboard.

CSO

Oh my God... it looks like a huge-

[Cut to forest scene, two bird spotters peering through binoculars]

Bird Spotter 1

PECKER!

Bird Spotter 2

Oh. Where?

Bird Spotter 1

Wait. That's not a woodpecker. It looks like someone's-

[Cut to a military barracks, a Drill Instructor walking the line of recruits]

Drill Instructor

PRIVATES! We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft complete with-

[Cut to a Little League game]

Coach

TWO BALLS! What is that? It looks just like an enormous-

[Cut to a Chinese school]

Teacher

WANG! Pay attention.

Wang

I was distracted by that enormous flying-

[Cut to Country & Western Event]

Man

WILLY!

Willy Nelson

Yeah?

Man

What's that?

Willy Nelson

Well, it looks like a giant-

[Cut back to NORAD]

Colonel

JOHNSON!

Johnson

Yes, sir...

Colonel

Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.

Clip 14

It's time for an emotional show-down between Felicity and the repulsive Fat Bastard. A change for him to open his heart. But that's not all he opens.

Felicity

Are you happy?

Fat Bastard

Of course I'm not happy. Look at me. I'm a big, fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do. I've got more chins than a Chinese phone book. I've not seen my willy in two years which is long enough to declare it legally dead. There's someone I've got to get in touch with and forgive. Myself.

[He farts. A melodic, elongated fart]

Austin

Oh, God.

Fat Bastard

Sorry. I farted.

Clip 15

The second penis gag sequence is upon us. I'm pretty sure they could have gone for a third but perhaps they had more taste!

Basil

Did we get Doctor Evil?

Johnson

No, sir. He got away in that rocket that looks like a huge-

[Cut to a sex ed. class in an American school]

Teacher

PENIS! The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhacker, schlong or-

[Cut to a barbecue]

Man

WIENER? Any of you kids want another wiener?

Kid

Dad... what's that?

Father

I don't know, son but it's got great big-

Man

[Cut to a baseball game]

Vendor

NUTS! Hot, salty nuts. Who wants some? Lord almighty...

Woman

That looks just like my husband's-

[Cut to a freak show]

Ringmaster

ONE-EYED MONSTER! Step right up and see the one-eyed monster.

One-eyed Monster

Hey! What's that? Looks like a big-

[Cut to an autograph hunter]

Autograph Hunter

WOODY! Woody Harrelson? Can I have your autograph?

Harrelson

Sure. No problem. Oh my Lord. Look at that thing.

Autograph Hunter

It's so big.

Harrelson

Nah, I've seen bigger. That's-

[Cut to rocket interior. Doctor Evil about to inject Mini-Me]

Doctor Evil

JUST A LITTLE PR**K. It's a flu shot.