7 MP3 Audio clips from Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)

PLAY ALL 7 CLIPS

Clip 1

Doctor Evil is not in touch with the modern world. He has no idea that Preparation H is a haemorrhoid treatment and seems confused when the very mention of it causes amusement.

Number Two

Doctor Evil.

Doctor Evil

Yeah?

Number Two

What does Goldmember's plan have to do with us?

Doctor Evil

Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam which we shall call... Preparation H.

[SCOTT EVIL begins to snigger]

Doctor Evil

What?

Scott Evil

Why don't you just call it Operation Ass-Cream, you ass?

Doctor Evil

I... I'm sorry, did you want some ice cream?

Scott Evil

Yes. I'd love some chocolate ass cream.

Doctor Evil

Perhaps later.

Number Two

Doctor Evil. I love your plan.

Doctor Evil

Ya, hey?

Frau Farbissina

Yah, Herr Doctor. It's a really good plan.

Doctor Evil

Yes, Frau, on the whole I think Preparation H feels good.

[SCOTT EVIL starts laughing again]

Doctor Evil

What is it now?

Scott Evil

No. Nothing. You know what? I agree. Preparation H DOES feel good. On the HOLE.

Clip 2

What is it with these films and female characters with smutty names? Here's another one. A Japanese girl who happens to have a twin sister. Called Fook Yu. You couldn't make this up.

Fook Mi

Can I have autograph?

Austin

Of course! Your name is?

Fook Mi

Fook Mi.

Austin

Oh behave, Baby!

[Laughs]

Yes! Now your name is?

Fook Mi

Fook Mi.

Austin

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Fook Mi

Fook Mi. Like zis...

[She turns to reveal her name on her backpack]

Austin

Oh, I see. Your NAME is Fook Mi.

Clip 3

Goldmember is a weirdo. He eats his own skin flakes, he lost his 'member' in a tragic smelting accident and he's obsessed with all things gold. Oh, and he's Dutch.

Goldmember

We are both swingers, you see?

[Laughs]

You have a tight body. Yes. I see that from your tight pants. Yes. You are tight like a tiger. Would you like a smoke and a pancake?

Austin

A what?

Goldmember

A smoke and a pancake. You know... flapjack and a cigarette? Hmm? All right... cigar and a waffle? No? Pipe and a crêpe? No? Bong and a blintze?

Austin

No.

Goldmember

Oh well, then there is no pleasing you.

Austin

That's not right.

Clip 4

Doctor Evil can't resist a joke about male genitalia.

Doctor Evil

Ladies and gentlemen... welcome to my new submarine lair. It's long and hard and full of seamen.

Clip 5

It must be catching because even Nigel Powers (Michael Caine) has penises on the brain. Not sure how to describe this clip. Let's just say he's curious about the 'proportions' of Mini-Me.

Nigel Powers

Say, say, mini-fella. I'm, uh... I'm curious. Is, uh, everything i... in proportion? You know, your 'Bobby Dangler', your 'General and Two Colonels', your 'Gigglestick', 'Master of Ceremonies'? Yeah. Don't be shy. Let's have a look.

[For some inexplicable reason, MINI-ME willingly drops his pants]

Nigel Powers

My word! You're a tripod.

[Laughs]

What do you feed that thing, eh? It's like a baby's arm holding an apple.

[Laughs]

The good news is, you ever get tired you can use it as a kick-stand.

[Laughs]

Oh yeah!

Clip 6

It's Fat Bastard. Again. And he still has a full repertoire of toilet humour at his disposal. This one will make you cringe. Or sick up into your mouth. One of the two.

[We hear FAT BASTARD break wind]

Austin

Did you just soil yourself?

Fat Bastard

Maybe!

[Laughs]

It did sound a little wet didn't it, right at the end? Oooh.

[Laughs]

Let's have a smell, all right? Oooh... wafting, wafting... Oh everyone likes their own brand don't they? This is magic. All right... analysis. Oh it smells like carrots and throw-up. Oh that could gag a maggot. I smell like hot sick, ass and a dead carcass. Oooh even Stink would say that stinks. Y'know when you go to an apartment building and you smell other people's cooking on each floor and you go 'what are they cooking'? That, plus crap.

Clip 7

It's the premiere of the fictional Steven Spielberg movie of the fictional characters of this movie. Yeah. I know. I'm confused myself. Anyway, an old friend drops by as the credits roll.

Fat Bastard

Hey, Powers!

Austin

Fat Bastard? But you're not fat anymore.

Fat Bastard

I went on the Subway diet, you know... just like Jared. I've lost a hundred and eighty pounds.

Austin

Congratulations, Baby.

Fat Bastard

Thank you. I do have a little bit of excess skin, though. Bit of a problem here, yeah. And unfortunately my neck does look like a vagina.

[Editor's Note - If YOUR vagina looks like Fat Bastard's neck, you should probably seek medical assistance]