17 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Extras (2005)

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Orlando Bloom. He thinks he's God's gift to women. Unlike Johnny Depp. Willy Wonka? Johnny Wa*ker more like!

Orlando Bloom

I'll tell you who does get ignored. Johnny Depp. On the set of Pirates of the Caribbean, the birds just walked straight past him. "Get out of the bloody way, whoever you are, we want to get to Orlando." They were around me like flies around sh*t.

Maggie

They ignored Johnny Depp?

Orlando Bloom

Yeah, they're going, "Oh, Orlando... who's that freak over there that we didn't notice?" I'm going "It's Johnny Depp." and they're going "Who cares? I mean, you were Legolas in Lord of the Rings." Ooooh, look at me. I make art-house movies. Ooooh, I've got scissors for hands. Willy Wonka? Johnny Wa*ker!

Keith Chegwin's opinion of the BBC is anti-semitic and homophobic. At least that's the opinion of the caricature he portrayed of himself in this episode. Apologies to any Jewish and / or gay people.

Keith Chegwin

Still run by Jews and queers is it?

Andy

It's... what?

Keith Chegwin

This place. Still run by Jews and queers?

Andy

I... I think there are some Jewish people. And some gay people, yeah.

Keith Chegwin

Gay. Yeah, I forgot. Not meant to say "queer" are you? Suggests something abnormal. What could be more normal than shoving your c*ck up a bloke's ass? Put it this way. If God had wanted a c*ck up an ass, he wouldn't have given us minges. Men have nobs, women have fannies. Pop nob in fanny. Not up the ass.

Andy

Good. I should be making notes!

Maggie is on the phone to Andy, arranging to meet him for an evening of drinking and consolation.

Maggie

Do you just wanna go to the pub?

Andy

Yeah. That's the beginning. Depressed TV star drinks himself to death.

Maggie

Oh, don't be daft. You're not a star and being fat'll kill you before the drink does.

Andy

You sure you can come to the pub? You're not manning the phones at the Samaritans tonight?

Maggie

No.

Andy

No. Okay. Pub it is then.

Greg. He's an a**hole. Every chance he gets, he belittles Andy's career by boasting about how well HIS career is going. Here he goes again...

Greg

How's your sitcom going?

Andy

Brilliant. Ratings are brilliant.

Greg

Hmmm. The reviews are very harsh.

Andy

Don't read reviews. Don't bother.

Greg

No? I think I've got one here, actually. Sorry, can you just hold that?

[He passes his pint to a friend]

I've been meaning to throw it away.

Andy

Throw it away then!

Andy Millman couldn't have known that his first and only meeting with David Bowie would result in this impromptu song.

David Bowie [Singing]

Chubby little loser, national joke... No, not chubby little loser... pathetic little fat man, no-one's bloody laughing, the clown that no-one laughs at, they all just wish he'd die. He's so depressed at being useless, the fat man takes his own life... no, no... he's so depressed at being hated, fatty takes his own life... Fatty? Fatso?

Maggie

Fatso. I think Fatso.

David Bowie

Yeah, let's go with Fatso. Fatso takes his own life, he blows his bloated face off... no... he blows his stupid brains out.

Linda

But the twat'd probably miss.

David Bowie

Yes, Linda. I like that.

Andy

Yes, so do I. It's brilliant, Linda.

David Bowie

He sold his soul for a shot at fame, catchphrase, wig and the jokes are lame. He's got no style, he's got no grace. He's banal and facile, he's a fat waste of space... yeah, yeah... everybody sing that last line. One, two, three, he's banal and facile, he's a fat waste of space. See his pug-nose face. Pug... pug, pug... pug. Again, see his pug-nose face, yeah. Pug... pug, pug... pug. Again, see his pug-nose face. Pug... pug, pug... pug. The little fat man with the pug-nose face. Pug... pug, pug... pug. Little fat man, pug-nose face, hey. Pug... pug, pug... pug. He's a little fat man...

Daniel Radcliffe has been up to no good on set. Making a move on both Maggie and Warwick Davis' fiancée. He's in trouble now.

Warwick Davis

Oi, Radcliffe!

Daniel Radcliffe

What?

Warwick Davis

What have you been up to?

Daniel Radcliffe

Nothing.

Warwick Davis

Don't lie. You've been chatting up my fiancée. She's just told me.

Daniel Radcliffe

Mum!

Warwick Davis

Don't call for your Mum. You were chatting up my bird so act like a man and deal with the consequences.

Daniel Radcliffe

I was just...

Warwick Davis

I was just, na na na na! You specky little git.

Daniel Radcliffe

These aren't real glasses.

Warwick Davis

You're a specky git.

Maggie

You leave him alone. He's just a boy.

Daniel Radcliffe

I'm seventeen.

Warwick Davis

And what's this got to do with you?

Maggie

Well what's he... he's doing nothing is he?

Warwick Davis

Oh don't stick your big nose in, love.

Andy

All right, calm down.

Warwick Davis

Oh, you. I'm glad you're here because you had the same idea...

Andy

What?

Warwick Davis

Well I know you sent your little mate in here to do your dirty work for you, trying to undermine me.

Andy

What have you done?

Daniel Radcliffe

Nothing.

Andy

What have you done?

Warwick Davis

You think it's okay, do you? Trying to steal my fiancée?

Andy

Right, okay... I don't know what you're on about -

Warwick Davis

You sh*t!

[WARWICK begins to attack ANDY]

Andy

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Warwick Davis

What do you think I've got this ring for?

Andy

I dunno, you're a hobbit?

Warwick Davis

You fat sh*t!

Andy

I dunno what the rules are for fighting a midg...

[ANDY holds WARWICK at arms length as he continues to swing punches]

Maggie is accompanying Andy to the BAFTAs. She's in the market for a new dress but is nervous about the paparazzi.

Maggie

Do you know, I've never been to an award ceremony before.

Andy

Nor have I.

Maggie

Do you think there'll be photographers there?

Andy

Probably.

Maggie

[Gasps]

Andy

What if I fall or dribble something down my front?

What are you, a toddler?

With a touch of "Inside the Actor's Studio", Sir Ian McKellen gives Andy a "masterclass" in acting.

Sir Ian McKellen

How do I act so well? What I do is I pretend to be the person I'm portraying in the film or play.

Andy

[Incredulous]

Yeah.

Sir Ian McKellen

You're confused.

Andy

No...

Sir Ian McKellen

It's perfectly simple. Case in point... Lord of the Rings. Peter Jackson comes from New Zealand says to me, "Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandolf, the wizard" and I said to him, "You are aware that I am not really a wizard?"

Andy's old school friends have come to the opening night of the play he's playing lead in. They're "geezers" and probably won't appreciate the subject matter.

Steve Sherwood

ANDY PANDY!

Andy

Uh... what...

Steve Sherwood

You remember these boys from school don't you? Nobby, Boss Hogg, Gut-Rot.

Andy

Uh, yeah... what you doing here? You're not here for the play, are you?

Steve Sherwood

Yeah, we've got tickets.

Andy

Oh. Not your type of thing.

Steve Sherwood

No, no... we're looking forward to it. What's it about?

Andy

It's all feelings and emotions and I'm just in it for...

[He rubs his fingers together indicating a financial incentive]

[STEVE spies IAIN MORRIS and DAMON BEESLEY and realises that they're gay]

Steve Sherwood

Oh no. Oh God. Look at that. Poofters at twelve o'clock.

Andy

What can you do?

Steve Sherwood

That your audience is it?

Andy

No way.

Damon

ANDY! HIYAH!

Andy

Fans.

Damon

THANKS FOR SORTING OUT TICKETS, LOVE.

Andy

No worries.

Steve Sherwood

Why you sorting the Village People out with tickets?

Andy

[Laughs]

Village People...

Bunny

GUESS WHOOOOOOO!

[He places a hand over ANDY'S eyes]

Andy

Bunny! Christ!

Bunny

I couldn't miss my little genie's first grown-up play.

[Noticing Steve and his friends]

Ooh, you do hang around with all the butch boys, don't you? Hello. I'm Bunny.

Andy

He... he was... how's the wife?

Bunny

[Scoffs]

Gone. I was living a lie and she knew it. But now I'm able to go out and enjoy some serious c*ck guilt-free.

[He mimes performing oral sex on several men]

Yumma, yumma, yumma, yumma.

Michael is Maggie's latest conquest. She's about to find out that he still lives with his parents and they're very "frank" about sex.

Michael

This is Maggie.

Maggie

Hi.

Michael's Father

Hello, Maggie.

Maggie

You live with your parents?

Michael

Yeah.

Michael's Mother

Oh, if you two get up to anything tonight, can you keep the noise down, dear. We need to get up early tomorrow.

Maggie

We're not going to get up to anything.

Michael's Mother

Oh I think Michael thinks you are. I think he assumed that's why you're coming back here. You don't want people saying you're a pr**k-tease, love.

Michael's Father

Definitely not.

Michael's Mother

Girl like you. You're no spring chicken. You must be sexually active.

Michael's Father

You look like you know your way around.

Michael's Mother

Are you on contraception or do you want to borrow some?

Maggie

[Mortified]

Hmm?

Michael's Mother

Are you on contraception?

Maggie

Yeah.

Michael's Mother

What kind?

Maggie

Just the pill.

Michael's Mother

The pill? Don't go on the pill. Danger of thrombosis. I always use a cap, don't I dear?

Michael's Father

She does use a cap. But sometimes I pop a Johnny on as well. Just to be safe.

Michael's Mother

Belt and braces. We've got two sons. That's enough. Now we want the fun without the responsibility. Doesn't have to be penetrative sex either, of course. Plenty of other things to do.

Female Guest

Sometimes we do anything but.

Michael's Mother

An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm.

Michael's Father

Indeed.

[Laughs]

Indeed!

Robert Lindsay has paid an unannounced and unwelcome visit to a children's ward where Andy is visiting a boy at his own request.

Robert Lindsay

I'm on the set of GBH. I'm in my trailer. Knock on the door. Guess who it is? Go on, guess.

Joe

Ummm...

Robert Lindsay

Alan Bleasdale.

Joe

I don't know who that is.

Robert Lindsay

Oh FU*K OFF! Kid's a waste of space.

Andy is discussing the cheap, tacky When The Whistle Blows dolls with his agent. Darren Lamb just doesn't get it. He's clueless.

Darren

Well, yeah but they've cut the price to try and shift a few but the good thing is because they're so cheap to manufacture we're still getting about 40p a time. You know... because they're made in sweat shops.

Andy

Oh! Thank God for the exploitation of ten-year-old children.

Darren

Absolutely and the funny thing is, of course, that that's your key demographic as well isn't it? Kids? So, you know, even if they're doing like a fourteen hour day, they're probably having a whale of a time, you know, pressing it... "You havin' a laugh?" They're probably enjoying themselves. It's nice.

Barry

I hope it doesn't distract them from their work. They'll probably get a beating.

Andy

I don't wanna hear... I don't wanna hear this.

Darren

Don't listen to him. They wouldn't work there if they didn't like it.

Andy

I don't think they get a lot of choice, to be honest.

Barry

As Henri Matisse once said, "Derive happiness in ones self from a good day's work. From illuminating the fog that surrounds us."

Andy

Yeah? What you working on today?

Barry

Trying to get this dog muck out of my shoe. It's a nightmare.

Darren

Next door's Great Dane. The stench is unbelievable.

Greg is on the audition panel for a forthcoming movie and in walks Andy. He's going to enjoy this. Rather a lot.

Greg

So which role are you here for?

Andy

Henry Milligan.

Greg

Hang on. You can't be Henry Milligan. It says here, aged 36.

Andy

Yeah. I took that as being mid to late thirties.

Greg

We'll change it to late thirties.

[He scribbles something on the script]

Hang on. You can't be Henry Milligan. Says here late thirties!

Maggie's work as a supporting artist continues. Cast in a film with Clive Owen, she's playing a prostitute. But not one that Clive Owen would be happy to pay for.

Producer

Okay, so Byron's just spent the night with a prostitute, all right? Now as he leaves in the morning, I thought you could just turn and then throw the money on the floor with contempt and then say your line "Thank you for your hospitality"

Clive Owen

Yeah, I'm not very happy with this.

Producer

Well I know it's... it's a little bit aggressive but it's just a character point.

Clive Owen

No. I mean this one being a prostitute. I wouldn't pay for that.

Andy has sacked his agent. His agent is having to shut-up shop. Barry is helping him pack and points at some box files on the window-sill.

Barry

How about these?

Darren

Nothing in 'em. Just put 'em up there 'cos the local kids run by and peer in and shout insults.

Barry

Kids can be cruel, eh?

Darren

Yeah. They can.

Barry

What do they say?

Darren

You know what they say.

Barry

What, lanky four-eyed twat?

Darren

Yeah.

Barry

Weirdo goggle-eyed gimp?

Darren

Sometimes.

Barry

Frankenstein's albino gonk?

Darren

I've never heard that one.

Barry

So easy to have a go at a bloke who looks like you. Just easy pickings... it's...

Darren

Sheep shagger they said sometimes as well.

Barry

I thought sheep shagger was Welsh?

Darren

Nah, it can be Bristol as well.

Barry

I thought Bristol was inbreeding.

Darren

Sheep shagging, inbreeding, slavery. Famous for loads of stuff down there.

Barry

Oh, right.

You ever stopped to think just how much Fish Stew sounds like Fist You?

Rita

Brains is so much happier now that he's out of the closet.

Brains

Oh I am. In fact, last night I went on a wonderful date with a lovely man. He took me to a seafood restaurant, fed me my favourite meal...

Ray

Fish stew?

Brains

No he certainly did not!

Andy is having trouble being seated at The Ivy. Along comes Gordon Ramsay and he hopes that the celebrity chef will be able to grease the wheels with the management.

Andy

Gordon!

Gordon Ramsay

Yep.

Andy

Hiyah.

Gordon Ramsay

You all right?

Andy

Andy Millman.

Gordon Ramsay

Yeah.

Andy

You all right?

Gordon Ramsay

Yeah, yeah.

Andy

Can I have a word?

Gordon Ramsay

Just leaving.

Andy

I know but if you you're in the industry and you have a word they'll let me through.

Gordon Ramsay

Uh, can't.

Andy

You can't or won't?

Gordon Ramsay

Won't.

Andy

Oh. Well at least nip to the kitchen and make me a cheese sandwich can you? You COOK!

Gordon Ramsay

C*ck! Haven't you had enough cheese sandwiches? Fat boy?

Andy

You Pound-Puppy-faced git.

Gordon Ramsay

You catchphrase-shouting, wig-wearing wannabe.

Andy

You publicity-hungry, failed-footballing fu*k!

Gordon Ramsay

You're a has-been. Go home!

Andy

Oh, you think you're so hard, don't you? 'Cos you shout at people in kitchens. Who works in kitchens? Oooh. Women and gays, oh and the French. Oh, you're well hard!