12 MP3 Audio clips from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

PLAY ALL 12 CLIPS

Clip 1

Ace has rescued the dog of a frankly stunning client. She's very grateful. VERY grateful.

Client

Thank you, Mister Ventura. How can I ever repay you?

Ace

Well, the reward would be good. There is some damage to my car. It's a high-performance machine so I had to fill it with premium.

Client

Would you like for me to take your pants off instead?

Ace

Gee, let me think... Um, sure.

[We hear his zipper being pulled down. Whatever she does out of camera shot is obviously good]

Woah. Jeez. Ohhh. REAL friendly around here. Woah!

Clip 2

Mr. Shickadance is Ace's landlord. He's suspicious that there may be animals in the apartment.

Mr. Shickadance

[Creeping up behind ACE]

VENTURA!

Ace

Yes, Satan? Oh, I'm sorry, Sir. You sounded like someone else.

Clip 3

Who knew that football players were so superstitious? Well, everybody I guess but I didn't realise that their superstitions went quite THIS far!

Riddle

Sh*t, Roger you've been in this business a long time. You know how superstitious these players are. I've got a Quarterback that puts his socks on backwards... has done since High School. I've got a Linebacker that has not washed his jockey strap in two years because he thinks flies are lucky.

Clip 4

Melissa introduces Roger Pedacter to Ace Ventura. The conversation doesn't go QUITE as Roger might have imagined.

Melissa

Roger Pedacter, meet Ace Ventura. He's our Pet Detective.

Roger

Hi, uh, nice to meet you. You came very highly recommended by Martha Mertz.

Ace

Martha Mertz? Oh, yeah. The b**ch.

Roger

WHAT?!

Ace

Pekingese. Hyperactive. Lost in Highland Park area. She was half dead when I found her.

Clip 5

Ace strolls in to the police station to speak to Emilio, his friendly local cop. But first he has to run the gauntlet of snide remarks and ridicule.

Cop

Lassie must be missing.

Sergeant Aguado

Hey, uh... hey, Ventura. Ventura. Make any good "collars" lately?

Cop

Or were they leashes?

Ace

[Laughs like Popeye]

Sergeant Aguado

[Spies a bug scuttling along the floor]

Uh-oh.

[Squashes it underfoot]

Homicide, Ventura. Now how you gonna solve that one?

Good question, Aguado. First I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's d*ck and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose thirty pounds... PORKING HIS WIFE!

[A brief struggle ensues which sees AGUADO pinned down, face to face with the dead bug]

Ace

Kiss and make up!

Clip 6

Sometimes a simple phrase is all that's needed to raise a smile. And Ace Ventura is full of them. Here's a classic.

Ace

HOLY... testicle Tuesday!

Clip 7

There's a love hate relationship between Ace and Lois Einhorn. They hate each other and... no. That's it, actually. No love involved whatsoever.

Lieutenant Einhorn

Listen... Pet "Dick", how would you like me to make your life a living hell?

Ace

Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois. But thank you for asking.

Clip 8

Melissa is accompanying Ace to a party at Ron Camp's mansion. The door is answered by a man dressed in full naval uniform.

Ace

Hi, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Dock? Permission to come aboard, Sir...

Clip 9

Ace needs to find the bathroom so that he can search the house for signs of Snowflake. But he can't help but mock Ron Camp in the process.

Ace

Excuse me, Ron. I, uh, need to use the bathroom.

[Whispering]

I think it's the pâté.

Ron Camp

Sure. It's over there.

Ace

Thanks.

[Chuckles]

Stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh?

[He feigns stomach cramps]

Oh... God.

Clip 10

Melissa is becoming quite enamoured with our hero, Ace. What she REALLY loves about him is his love of animals.

Melissa

You really love animals, don't you?

Ace

If it gets cold enough.

Clip 11

Melissa is even more enamoured with Ace now. Three orgasms in a row. He's some kind of love God. But wait. He's not done quite yet!

Melissa

[Groans]

Oh, my God. Oh, my GOD! Three times?

Ace

I'm sorry. That's never happened to me before. I must be tired... Okay, I'm ready again!

Clip 12

Ace is about to prove that Lois Einhorn is, in fact, a man who has simply tucked his "meat and two veg" between his legs to disguise the fact.

Ace

Ladies and gentlemen. My esteemed colleague, Mister Marino has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now... history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time-to-time. But if I AM mistaken; if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman as she claims to be, then my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of haemorrhoids I have EVER SEEN! That's why Roger Pedacter is dead. He found Captain Winky!