12 MP3 Audio clips from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life (1983)

PLAY ALL 12 CLIPS

Clip 1

This "lucky" lady is about to give birth. I say "lucky" because I've witnessed it and it looks REALLY painful. But this lady DOES have the machine that goes ping!

Obstetrician

Yes. More apparatus, please, nurse... the E.E.G., the B.P. monitor, and the A.V.V.

Nurse

Yes. Certainly, Doctor.

Doctor Spenser

And, uh, get the machine that goes 'ping'.

Obstetrician

And get the most expensive machines, in case the administrator comes.

Clip 2

The "Third World" is, for the context of this movie, Northern England. A Roman Catholic family whose father has just lost his job and already has hundreds of mouths to feed.

Dad

The mill's closed. There's no more work. We're destitute.

Children

[Talking]

Dad

Come in, my little loves. I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments.

Children

[Whining]

Dad

No, no. That's the way it is, my loves. Blame the Catholic church for not letting me wear one of those little rubber things. Oh, they've done some wonderful things in their time. They preserved the might and majesty, the mystery of the Church of Rome, and the sanctity of the sacraments, the indivisible oneness of the Trinity, but if they'd let me wear one of those little rubber things on the end of my c*ck, we wouldn't be in the mess we are now.

Clip 3

You may have heard the song "Every Sperm is Sacred" from this movie before but here's some trivia for you. The choreographer for this scene was none other than Arlene Phillips. It's true!

Dad

Well, let me put it like this.

[Singing]
There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then,
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on, you're
A Catholic the moment Dad came.

Because...

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Children

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Girl

Let the heathen spill theirs
on the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
each sperm that can't be found.

Children

Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed,
in your neighborhood.

Mum

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
spill theirs just anywhere.
But God loves those who treat their
semen with more care.

Men

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.

Women

If a sperm is wasted...

Children

...God gets quite irate.

Priest

Every sperm is sacred.

Bride & Groom

Every sperm is good.

Nannies

Every sperm is needed,

Cardinals

...in your neighbourhood.

Children

Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.

Funeral Cortege

God needs everybody's.

Mourner 1

Mine.

Mourner 2

And mine.

Corpse

And mine!

Nun

Let the Pagan spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.

Holy Statues

God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

Everyone

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite iraaaaate!

Clip 4

It's morning prayers at a Boarding School. The boys are seated in their pews, the Head has taken the lesson and now it's the priest's turn to lead the children in prayer.

Chaplain

Let us praise God. O Lord...

Congregation

O Lord...

Chaplain

...ooh, You are so big...

Congregation

...ooh, You are so big...

Chaplain

...so absolutely huge.

Congregation

...so absolutely huge.

Chaplain

Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.

Congregation

Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.

Chaplain

Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying, and...

Congregation

And barefaced flattery.

Chaplain

But You are so strong and, well, just so super.

Congregation

Fantastic.

Clip 5

Nobody does war quite like the English. We're just so... noble at it. At least that's what the officers think. From their luxury accommodation miles from the front line...

Ainsworth

I've got a bit of a problem here. One of the officers has lost a leg.

Sergeant

Oh, no, sir!

Ainsworth

I'm afraid so. Probably a tiger. The M.O. says we can stitch it back on if we can find it immediately.

Sergeant

Right, sir! I'll organise a party... right away, sir.

Ainsworth

Well, it's hardly the time for that, is it Sergeant?

Sergeant

No, a... a search party.

Ainsworth

Oh! Oh! Ah! Ahh! Much better idea! Mhmm.

Clip 6

Mr. Brown is a good Jewish man. He lives alone with his good lady wife and he's a registered organ donor. Which is great, right? Right? Yeah.

Mr. Brown

[Cough]

Don't worry, dear! I'll get it!

[Cough]

[He answers the door]

Yes?

Man

Hello. Uhh, can we have your liver?

Mr. Brown

My what?

Man

Your liver. It's a large, ehh, glandular organ in your abdomen. You know, it's, uh... it's reddish-brown. It's sort of, uhh...

Mr. Brown

Yeah... y... y... yeah, I know what it is, but... I'm using it, eh?

Eric

Come on, sir.

[The TWO MEN force their way into MR. BROWN'S house]

Mr. Brown

Hey! Hey! Stop!

Eric

Don't muck us about.

Mr. Brown

Stop! Hey! Hey! Stop it. Hey!

Man

[Pulling MR. BROWN'S wallet from his pocket and opening it]

Hallo.

Mr. Brown

Ge... get off.

Man

What's this, then? Mmh?

Mr. Brown

A liver donor's card.

Man

Need we say more?

Eric

No!

Mr. Brown

Listen! I can't give it to you now. It says, "in the event of death". Uh. Oh! Ah. Ah. Eh.

Man

No one who has ever had their liver taken out by us has survived.

Eric

Just lie there, Sir. It won't take a minute.

Mr. Brown

[Screams as they begin to open up his abdomen in order to harvest his liver]

Clip 7

This is The Galaxy Song, written and performed by Eric Idle in Part V of the film. It's brilliant. And probably accurate.

Man in Pink

Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown,
And things seem hard or tough,
And people are stupid, obnoxious, or daft,
And you feel that you've had quite enough,

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.

Clip 8

This song, performed in the style of Noël Coward concerns... well, how can I put this? Male appendages. Ahem. Enjoy.

Noël Coward

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy.
It's divine to own a d*ck,
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest pr**k.
So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy, or your c*ck.
You can wrap it up in ribbons.
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.

Oh, thank you very much.

Clip 9

Gaston is much more than a waiter. He's a philosopher. And if you'd care to listen for a moment, he'll share his philosophy with you.

Gaston

You know, one day, my... my mother, she put me on her knee and she said to me, "Gaston, my son, the world is a beautiful place. You must go into it and... love everyone, try to make everyone happy, and bring peace and contentment everywhere you go." And so, I became a waiter. Well, it's.. it's not much of a philosophy, I know,... but, well,... fu*k you. I can live my own life in my own way if I want to. Fu*k off!

Clip 10

Who's the worst person to turn up unannounced and uninvited in the middle of your dinner party? Yes. The Grim Reaper. That's who.

[THE GRIM REAPER pounds on the door of an isolated cottage and the door is opened in response]

Geoffrey

Yes?

[Pause]

Is it about the hedge?

[Pause]

Look, I'm awfully sorry...

Grim Reaper

I... am the Grim Reaper.

Geoffrey

Who?

Grim Reaper

The GRIM... REAPER.

Geoffrey

Yes, I see.

Grim Reaper

I... am... DEATH!

Geoffrey

Yes, well, the thing is we've got some people from America for dinner tonight...

Angela

Who is it, darling?

Geoffrey

It's a "Mr. Death" or something. He's come about the reaping? I don't think we need any at the moment.

Angela

Hello. Well, don't leave him hanging around outside, darling. Ask him in.

Geoffrey

Darling, I don't think it's quite the moment.

Angela

Do come in. Come along in. Come and have a drink. Do. Come on.

Clip 11

The dinner party really isn't going to improve. Because, you see, the hosts AND their guests are all dead. And that's why Death has showed up.

Grim Reaper

I have come for you.

Angela

You mean... to...

Grim Reaper

Take you away. That is my purpose. I am death.

Geoffrey

Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it?

Howard

I don't see it that way, Geoff.

[Sniff]

Let me tell you what I think we're dealing with here: a potentially positive learning experience to get an...

Grim Reaper

Shut up! Shut up, you American. You always talk, you Americans. You talk and you talk and you say "let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say this". Well, you're dead now, so shut up!

Howard

Dead?

Grim Reaper

Dead.

Angela

All of us?

Grim Reaper

All of you.

Geoffrey

[Affronted]

Now, look here. You barge in here, quite uninvited, break glasses, and then announce, quite casually, that we're all dead. Well, I would remind you that you are a guest in this house, and..

[THE GRIM REAPER pokes GEOFFREY in the eye with a single phalanges]

Oh!

Grim Reaper

Be quiet! Englishmen, you're all so fu*king pompous, and none of you have got any balls.

Debbie

Can I ask you a question?

Grim Reaper

What?

Debbie

How can we all have died at the same time?

Grim Reaper

[Dramatically raises and lowers his skeletal arm, pointing at a dish on the table]

The salmon mousse!

Geoffrey

Darling, you didn't use canned salmon, did you?

Angela

I'm most dreadfully embarrassed.

Clip 12

A prologue at the end of a movie? Well... yes. In this case. Because you have to wait until the end to find out what the meaning of life is. Only I've skipped that bit. [Evil laugh]

Presenter

And, finally, here are some completely gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy, which, it seems, is the only way, these days, to get the jaded, video-sated public off their fu*king arses and back in the sodding cinema. Family entertainment? Bollocks. What they want is filth: people doing things to each other with chainsaws during tupperware parties, babysitters being stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates, vigilante groups strangling chickens, armed bands of theatre critics exterminating mutant goats... Where's the fun in pictures? Oh, well, there we are. Here's the theme music. Goodnight.