15 MP3 Audio clips from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)

PLAY ALL 15 CLIPS

Clip 1

The film starts back in the 1970s. Jay and Silent Bob are babies, left outside the Quick Stop by their respective mothers; a location they would become only too familiar with in adulthood.

Jay's Mother

All right, don't you fu*king move you little sh*t machine. Your Momma's gonna try to score.

Man

What the hell? Excuse me, who's watching these babies?

Jay's Mother

Uh, the... fat one's watching the little one?

Man

Oh. Nice parenting. Leave them out here like that and see what happens.

Jay's Mother

Yo fu*k you, you fu*king square!

Man

Ah, keep on trucking.

Jay's Mother

Did y'hear that fu*king guy telling me how to fu*king raise you? Mother fu*ker, man. Who's he fu*king think he is? What's the worst fu*king thing that can happen to you, standing in front of a fu*king store, right? Fu*k!

Baby Jay

Fu*k! Fu*k! Fu*k! Fu*k!

Clip 2

Jay has told two kids that Randal and Dante are husband and, er... husband having recently tied the not in a Unitarian church. Randal is not impressed.

Kid

Yo, how was the service?

Randal

What service?

Kid

The one at the Unitarian church last week where you two got married to each other?

Randal

What the hell are you talking about?

Stoner

Jay said you guys had a Star Wars themed wedding and you tied the knot dressed like Storm Troopers. And he says you're the b**ch and you're the butch.

Dante

I'm the b**ch?

Randal

Well, if we were gay that's the way I'd see it.

Dante

Will you shut up.

Stoner

[To KID]

Holy sh*t, dude. The honeymoon's over!

Randal

Oh that does it. I'm gonna do something about these two stoner fu*ks I should have done a long time ago.

Clip 3

Brodie Bruce is giving Jay and Silent Bob the low-down on their situation. The situation is that they haven't got a clue what's happening.

Brodie Bruce

Here's the pulse.

[He mimes taking his radial pulse]

All right? And this is your finger. Far from the pulse jammed straight up your ass.

[He mimes this, too]

Say, would you like a chocolate-covered Pretzel?

Clip 4

Jay and Silent Bob have gone to see Holden McNeil who they hope might line their pockets from the proceeds of the forthcoming movie.

Holden McNeil

Wish I'd held on to a little piece of that thing 'cos if the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.

Jay

What buzz?

Holden McNeil

The internet buzz.

Jay

What the fu*k is the internet?

Holden McNeil

The internet is a communications tool, used the world over where people can come together to b**ch about movies and share pornography with one another. Here's what we're looking for... moviepoopchute.com.

Jay

Poopchute. Yeah!

Clip 5

Yes. That's George Carlin playing a hitchhiker who doesn't mind taking a "shot in the mouth" if it'll get him a ride somewhere.

Hitchhiker

Hey, if it'll get me a couple of hundred miles across the country, I'll take a shot in the mouth.

Jay

Yeah, but we ain't gay.

Hitchhiker

Don't be so suburban. It's the new Millennium. Gay, straight... it's all the same now. There are no more lines.

Jay

[Pointing to the shoulder markings]

Well, there's a line and on this side of it, we ain't gay.

Clip 6

Justice (Shannon Elizabeth) has just walked in to Mooby's. She introduces herself. Jay can't help himself.

Justice

Hi. I'm Justice.

Jay

And I am so fu*king yours. I mean, hi. I'm Jay and this is my hetero life-mate Silent Bob.

Clip 7

Having ditched Brent, Jay and Silent Bob must now be the patsies for the planned diamond heist. And since Jay's so familiar with Justice...

Sissy

Just use the little one's crush on you to convince him since he's so fu*king in love with you.

Justice

Jay? No he's not.

Sissy

What am I, blind? He wasn't kissing your hand in the back of the van like he was fu*king Lord Byron?

Justice

Well, maybe he just has manners.

Jay

[Cut to: Shop Exterior. JAY watches a pretty girl walk by]

Yo baby! You ever had your a**hole licked by a fat man in an overcoat? Yeah!

Clip 8

The heist is on. Justice just has one last thing she wants to check before they roll into action.

Justice

You sure you're okay with this?

Jay

As sure as I am that you're the hottest b**ch I've ever seen.

[In the background CHRISSY tries to attack JAY and is held back by SISSY]

Chrissy

Fu*ker!

Sissy

Easy, tigress!

Jay

What's twisting this b**ch's tit?

Justice

Maybe it's because women don't like to be called b**ches, Jay.

Jay

They don't? How 'bout, "fine piece of ass"?

Justice

How 'bout not?

Jay

What the fu*k am I supposed to call you, then?

Justice

Something sweet, you big goof. Something nice.

Jay

Booboo Kitty Fu*k?

Justice

[Laughs]

Okay. That's... a start!

[Laughs]

Clip 9

It's crunch time. The boys are about to break into the Provasik building. The girls, unbeknown to the boys, are about to rob the Diamond Exchange. It's go time!

Jay

So, you think I can get a little kiss for good luck?

[JUSTICE kisses him on the lips]

You think I can get a little blowjob for good luck?

Justice

[Pulling JAY'S balaclava down over his face]

No. Go!

Clip 10

Breaking news seems to centre not on the diamond heist but the liberation of animals from the Provasik facility. And who's responsible? C.L.I.T.

Reg Hartner

I'm Reg Hartner with an exclusive News Now bulletin. A Provasik animal testing facility in Bolder was the focus of an attack by a terroristic primate rescue syndicate calling themselves the Coalition for Liberation of Itinerant Tree-dwellers, or simply "C.L.I.T."

Clip 11

The news bulletin continues and Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly (Will Ferrell) is making a direct public appeal. Let the genitalia jokes commence!

Reg Hartner

Now, here to help us explain this footage is Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly. Marshal Willenholly, thanks for joining us. At this point, what can you tell us about the C.L.I.T.?

Willenholly

From the intelligence we've been gathering, we've discovered that the C.L.I.T. is actually a tiny off-shoot of the L.A.B.I.A.

Reg Hartner

Uh, the Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes movement?

Willenholly

Exactly.

Reg Hartner

What response do you hope to illicit by putting this kind of pressure on the C.L.I.T.?

Willenholly

Well, it's a difficult situation. You don't want to rub the C.L.I.T. the wrong way...

Clip 12

Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly is in hot pursuit of Jay, Silent Bob and an orangutan named Suzanne. The local police are pretty non-plussed.

Deputy

Fu*k this a**hole! Let's go back to the Station House and cornhole us a drunk.

Cop

Yeah! Now you're talking.

Clip 13

Jay has hit rock bottom. He's lost everything. But there's still hope. There's one more day to stop the movie being made. He gives this inspirational speech to Silent Bob.

Jay

Well, this fu*king blows man. We have one more day to stop these fu*ks from shooting this movie and they fu*king took the one thing I had left from the one woman I loved enough... not to stick my hand down her pants.

Clip 14

At the Miramax studios works a security officer named Gordon. He's good at his job. But he does have a weakness. As you're about to find out.

Gordon

Where do you think you're going?

Jay

Get off of me!

Gordon

[Into his radio]

Echo base, I've got a 10-07... two unauthorised on the lot... requesting backup.

Echo Base

I thought that was a 10-82?

Gordon

No, sir. A 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer.

Echo Base

Ooh, that Affleck! Backup on the way.

Jay

Hey, I'll make you a deal. This guy will suck your d*ck off if you let us go.

Gordon

Ha, contrary to what you believe, not everyone in the industry is a homosexual.

Jay

How 'bout this deal? He'll suck my d*ck while you watch and jerk off.

Gordon

[Having reconsidered]

All right.

[He pulls JAY and SILENT BOB into a doorway]

Make it fast. And sexy. All right. And after it's all over you say "Ooh, what a lovely tea-party!"

Clip 15

Chaka Luther King (Chris Rock) is directing Bluntman and Chronic. When Jay and Silent Bob accidentally end up starring in a scene, this conversation takes place.

Chaka Luther King

All right, enough of this small-talk. Let's shoot.

Jay

Wait a second. Aren't you going to direct us?

Chaka Luther King

Man, I will direct you to the unemployment line if you don't stop back-talking me, okay cracker?

Jay

But we don't know what we're doing. We didn't read the script.

Chaka Luther King

Hey, it ain't that hard man. I film the mother-fu*ker, right? Then I yell "CUT!" then I run the fu*k out of here, go to my trailer, 'cos I got more white girls in there than the first life boat on the Titanic. And they all want a part in my movie. And I got just the part for 'em.