10 MP3 Audio clips from Ghost Town (2008)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

Bertram is being checked in to hospital for his colonoscopy. The receptionist is trying to complete a medical questionnaire but Bertram fails to see the relevance of almost everything she asks.

Receptionist

Spell it.

Bertram

P-I-N-C-U-S.

Receptionist

Weight?

Bertram

Last night or this morning?

Receptionist

You pick.

Bertram

Hundred and eighty-two pounds.

Receptionist

Number of alcoholic beverages consumed per week?

Bertram

Why do you need to know that?

Receptionist

Well, they wanna know.

Bertram

Well, I'm sure they wanna know a lot of things but I don't want my intimate details auctioned off to the highest bidder willy-nilly.

Receptionist

I'll put zero. Marital status?

Bertram

Pass.

Receptionist

Profession?

Bertram

Irrelevant.

Receptionist

Food allergies?

Bertram

I'm not gonna be eating here.

Receptionist

Are you allergic to sticking plaster?

Bertram

What a ludicrous question. I'm not answering any more of these. Really.

Receptionist

Do you smoke?...

Clip 2

Bertram isn't coping too well with being told that for a full seven minutes, he was clinically and technically dead. The surgeon is doing her best to placate him. It's not working.

Surgeon

Everybody dies.

Bertram

Yeah but usually at the end of their life and just... just the once. And... forever.

Clip 3

Everytime Bertram walks through a ghost, he sneezes. Which is unfortunate on this particular morning because his path to work is being blocked by a whole cemetery load of the recently deceased.

Bertram

[Sneezes]

Doorman

Bless you.

Bertram

Oh, God. Thank you.

[Sneezes]

Doorman

Bless you.

Bertram

Thank you.

[Sneezes]

Doorman

Bless you.

Bertram

Thank you.

[Sneezes]

Doorman

Bless you.

Bertram

Stop it! If I sneeze again, I'll assume... thank you.

Clip 4

Frank is getting on Bertram's nerves. The cheek of the man. The audacity...

Frank

You are a sad little man.

Bertram

And you're a lying, bigamist corpse.

Frank

No, no... I'm not a bigamist. I'm an adulterer. It's a whole different thing.

Bertram

Sorry. My mistake. You were a real catch!

Clip 5

Frank and Bertram have a plan to derail Gwen's relationship with Richard. They just have to orchestrate a meeting...

Frank

All we gotta do is find a way to get you two together, you know? She's in her apartment, you show up as the cable guy or innocent pizza boy or...

Bertram

You watch a lot of porn, don't you?

Frank

[After a pause]

No.

Clip 6

Gwen has invited Bertram to help her with a forensic examination of Pépé, the Greek mummy she's about to open a show about. But there are some parts that no one should ever have to see.

Gwen

But what's really exciting about Pépé is how they handled his organ.

Bertram

His organ?

Gwen

Yeah. His d*ck. I've got it right here. You wanna see it?

Bertram

Erm... p... please.

Gwen

There's nothing, um... unusual about the phallus itself.

Bertram

Sure.

Gwen

It's the way it was stored. You know, normally the penis and the heart are kept together and mummified along with the body. But in Pépé's case, they removed it and preserved it in this separate gold encrusted jar.

Bertram

[Gags upon seeing the shrivelled penis]

God. I can see why he was King. Oh...

Gwen

You okay?

Bertram

Yeah, I've gotta get used to looking down at a shrivelled old penis eventually... Oh. Jeez. See? He died happy.

Gwen

That's it. That's enough.

Bertram

He must have had huge hands.

Gwen

No, no.

Bertram

Yeah.

Clip 7

We're still talking mummies here. To be precise, the smell that the preserved but decayed body exudes. Not something to talk about over dinner really, folks.

Gwen

After a couple of hours the... smell that was initially so sweet... it triggers your vomit impulse.

Bertram

Like visiting your grandmother?

Clip 8

Richard is a Human Rights Lawyer. Bertram, if he's to stand a chance of stealing Gwen from him, must show her that he too believes in the principles of equality.

Bertram

Everybody's equal. Colour, creed or circumstance. We're... all the same on this planet. Except the Chinese.

Gwen

WHAT?!

Bertram

No, they are. They're the odd ones out if you had to pick one. No. I'm not... not having a go, I'm just... saying, you know... not their faces. You know what I mean? No, no... but they call each other things like Kwok. And that's their choice innit? They don't have to call their kid Kwok. Like, and... no, some people are called Pong. And there's about a million Wangs. You can... you can, if you have one kid you can use all those names up on one little... you could call a kid Kwok Pong Wang.

[GWEN is laughing hysterically throughout BERTRAM'S accidentally racist monologue]

Clip 9

Bertram is saying a final goodbye to the thorn in his side which has been Frank. It's an emotionally charged and heart-felt speech. Which goes horribly, horribly wrong.

Bertram

Our time together, as we both know, has been rather unpleasant. But I will say this. Even though you are a vulgar man, boorish, distasteful, uncouth, uneducated, stupid, at least...

[He is visibly struggling to find something positive to say about FRANK]

Frank

You gonna finish?

Bertram

Done. [Clears his throat]

Frank

Oh.

Clip 10

You can always rely on your friends and colleagues to be honest with you. In the case of Doctor Prashar, however, he might have gone a little too far!

Doctor Prashar

Doctor Pincus. At some point in your life you're gonna have to stop and ask yourself the ultimate question. "This business of... being such a fu*king pr**k... what is it really getting me?"