13 MP3 Audio clips from Kick-Ass 2 (2013)

PLAY ALL 13 CLIPS

Clip 1

It's Mindy's turn to be mentor and, like her father did to her, it's time that Dave learned how it feels to take a round in the chest. She's already shot him once...

Mindy

Ready to go again?

Dave

Absolutely not.

Mindy

Fine.

Dave

Don't just say "fine" and then shoot me in the chest. Because it's not cool. Like, at all.

Mindy

Ohhh-kayyyy! Jeez...

[The moment DAVE'S back is turned she fires a round from a veritable hand cannon into his rear plate]

Dave

Ahh!

Clip 2

Dave is having a heart-to-heart with Mindy about his fear of death. Sadly, Mindy doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" and her advice is a little below-par.

Dave

You're not scared... to die.

Mindy

Are you scared you're never going to grow into your big boy pants?

Dave

I'm serious.

Clip 3

Chris has just killed his mother. Accidentally. Sort of. And now he and Javier are sorting through her stuff.

Javier

Hey, you sure you wanna give all your mom's things away?

Chris

What the hell am I supposed to do with all her stuff?

Javier

Damn, she had a nice pair of guns.

Chris

Dude, she's dead! Don't talk about her tits.

Javier

[Producing a wooden case containing two ornately engraved pistols]

I was talking about these.

Chris

Oh, those. Those were my dad's.

Clip 4

It's Dave's first day of field training. Mindy has dressed him up like a white Huggy Bear and sent him down town to bait someone into a robbery. She's speaking to him through an earpiece.

Hoodlum

Hey, queer bait, where are you going with those bags, man?

Mindy

[In his earpiece]

Tell him you're on your way to fu*k his mother with a 12-inch strap on.

Clip 5

Hit Girl has saved Dave from a kicking. Again. And she's got some advice for one of the scumbags she's just taken down.

Hit Girl

If I ever catch you robbing again, sh*t-burger, I'm gonna go Saudi Arabia on your ass and cut your hand off. Promise me you're done with your life of crime.

Hoodlum

I... I promise.

[Moments later, he reaches for his knife and HIT GIRL makes good on her promise]

Aarggghh!

Hit Girl

Pants on fire!

Clip 6

Katie has just overheard Mindy telling Dave that their days of vigilantism are over. She wrongly assumes that they've been having an intimate relationship.

Katie

[Slaps DAVE across the face]

I don't know what's worse, that you're fu*king a 9th-grader...

Dave

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Katie

...or that you just got dumped by one.

Erika

Paedophile freak!

Dave

It's not like that.

Katie

Then what is it like? Please, tell me.

Dave

I can't. It's to do with the Kick-Ass thing.

Katie

I've got a secret for you. You remember Malik?

Dave

Dude who volunteers at your needle exchange?

Katie

His baton is so much bigger than Kick-Ass'.

Dave

No.

Katie

Yeah. And by "baton", I mean penis.

Dave

Yeah, I got that. Thanks.

Erika

Fifteen gets you twenty, pervert.

Marty

A freshman, Dave? You old, salty dog.

Todd

What's the problem? Grass on the field, play ball. Right?

Dave

No, Todd.

Clip 7

Mindy is off to her first ever slumber party. It's just not her scene. She's not your average teenage girl. And that's why her guardian, Marcus, has started a swear jar!

Mindy

I'm gonna be a disaster.

Marcus

How do you know that?

Mindy

Because it's a slumber party, for fu*k's sake.

Marcus

Dollar. Jar.

Mindy

You're gonna need a bigger jar.

Clip 8

Mindy has arrived at the slumber party but has a feeling from the get-go that she's not going to enjoy the company of Brooke and her two b**chy friends.

Brooke

Say "hey" to Mindy, ladies.

Harlow / Dolce

Hey!

Dolce

I know you. You're that freshman who took a ride on Dave Lizewski's disco-stick.

Mindy

I did not ride his...

Dolce

If you just blew him...

Harlow

You're totes a virgin, right?

Dolce

She didn't blow him. Look at her.

Harlow

Then, what? Rimjob, handjob, finger-bang?

Dolce

Sweet Ryan Seacrest, you at least kissed him, right?

Mindy

[After a pause]

Totes.

Brooke

You've never kissed a boy, have you?

Dolce

Oh my God, that is so adorbs.

Harlow

Maybe she's a dyke.

Mindy

Maybe I'll jam my foot up your snatch!

Clip 9

Insect Man is introducing himself to Dave on his first night as a member of Justice Forever.

Insect Man

I... I've been bullied my... my whole life for being gay, so now I stand up for the defenceless. That's why I don't wear a mask. Too much like being back in the closet.

Colonel

Long as your heart's in the right place, we don't care what you put in your mouth. Fist bump.

Insect Man

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Clip 10

Dave is speaking to Mindy about Justice Forever, trying to convince her to bring Hit Girl out of retirement for their first big bust.

Dave

First big mission's tonight and it's not community service. We're taking on some real bad guys.

Mindy

What, can't your team handle it?

Dave

They're not you, Mindy. Remembering Tommy owns a dry fruit business, Night B**ch teaches ballet...

Mindy

Night B**ch? What is she? A superhero or a softcore porno?

Dave

Maybe a little bit of both.

Mindy

Oh, God, you're plugging her? I'm gonna vom.

Clip 11

Colonel Stars & Stripes has trained his German Shepherd (Eisenhower) to attack a certain part of a man's anatomy with a single word of command.

Jimmy Kim

Ow! It hurts!

Colonel

Yeah, there's a dog on your balls!

Clip 12

Todd wants to join Justice Forever. His suit is not only an exact (if colour-opposite) version of Dave's but it's also a little tight. So tight, in fact, that Marty can see what religion he is!

Marty

You can't fight crime in that. Your pants are so tight, you've got frog-eye.

Todd

What the hell's frog-eye?

Marty

Male camel-toe.

Clip 13

Mindy was the victim of a "date ditch" the previous evening and now, dressed to the nines, it's her shot at revenge. It's time Brooke was taught a lesson. The hard way.

Brooke

Okay, Captain Muffin-muncher. Have fun playing make-believe.

Mindy

This? This is all make-believe, Brooke. The reality is you're an evil b**ch.

[MINDY reveals the "Sick Stick" from her bag]

Brooke

What's that? A ghetto cell phone? Gonna call for help with a come-back?

Mindy

Actually, my daddy bought this from a disgruntled DARPA employee. You see, it was designed for crowd control, but deemed too severe. It emits a pulse that creates spontaneous nausea and diarrhoea. He called it "the sick stick".

Brooke

Well, either your daddy got ripped off, or you're back in make-believe land, sweetheart, because we feel fabulous.

Mindy

Not for long!

[MINDY begins to fire pulses at BROOKER'S two friends who immediately vomit and evacuate their bowels]

Brooke

You get away from me. Please, you win.

Mindy

I don't wanna win. I just want to make the world a better place.

[MINDY fires the Sick Stick and the effect is both instantaneous and momentous in equal measure]