10 MP3 Audio clips from The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

David has had enough. Enough of watching the same Michael McDonald DVD all day, every day for months on end. It's time he spoke up.

David

Hey, Paula!

Paula

Yeah.

David

I gotta tell you something. I'm really excited about it. Uh, for the first time, today I woke up, I came to the store and I, I feel confident to say to you that if you don't take this Michael McDonald DVD that you have been playing for two years straight off, I'm gonna kill everyone in the store and put a bullet in my brain.

Paula

David, what do you suggest we play?

David

I don't care. Anything. I would rather... I would rather watch Beautician & The Beast. I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours than have to listen to Michael McDonald. Nothing against him but if I hear Ya Mo Be There one more time, I'm gonna Ya Mo burn this place to the ground.

Paula

You're such a smartass. Get back on the floor.

David

[Walking away, masks his words with a cough]

A-fu*k you!

Clip 2

Mooj isn't like the others. He's understanding. He's wise. He's shocked to find out that Andy is forty and still a virgin.

Mooj

Hey, Andy. Don't let them bother you. It's okay not to have sex. Not everybody's a pu**y magnet. You, are... what are you, twenty-five?

Andy

I'm forty.

Mooj

Holy sh*t, man... you've got to get on that!

Clip 3

The guys have taken Andy (whose chest is like that of Chewbacca) to a waxing salon. This is going to hurt. A lot.

Beautician

So, this is your first time getting body wax?

Andy

Yes. Yes, it is.

Beautician

Take off your shirt.

Andy

Okay.

[He takes off his shirt to reveal a veritable carpet of hair]

Beautician

[Calling to the receptionist]

OH, WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE WAX...

Cal

I'm staying. This is gonna be good!

[Laughs]

Beautician

...AND CLEAR ALL MY APPOINTMENTS IN THE AFTERNOON!

Clip 4

Here we go. Andy is on his back on the waxing table. The wax has been applied. The paper strip has been applied. It's ripping time, baby!

Beautician

So, ready?

Andy

Yup.

Beautician

[Counting in Japanese]

Ichi, ni, san...

[She rips the paper off]

Andy

[In agony]

You FU*KER! OH, G... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Uh, it's just your job.

Beautician

Do you want me to stop now?

Andy

No, no, no, no. It's okay.

Beautician

You ready?

Andy

Yep.

Beautician

Ichi, ni, san

[She rips the paper away]

Andy

GODDDDDDDDD... suckamotherfu*ker. YOU SH*THEAD! OH, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU. So much, you... That one hurt! That one hurt just as much as the first one.

Cal

That's great, man.

Beautician

One, two three...

[She rips the paper away]

Andy

FUUUCCCCKKKKK ME! IN THE ASS... HOLE. WOWEEE. That is... I'm sorry. I really don't swear this much.

Beautician

Ready?

Andy

Yep.

Beautician

One, two...

[She rips on two]

Andy

C*CKSUCKER, MOTHER FU*KER, YOU PULLED ON TWO. WHY DIDN'T YOU PULL ON THREE?

[There follows a short compilation of ANDY'S reactions to the next few rips]

Clip 5

Jay's girlfriend, Jill has discovered his Speed Dating card and Jay is in big trouble. Then he hits upon the idea of blaming it on Andy.

Jill

Are you Andy?

Andy

Uh, yeah.

Jill

Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?

Jay

My girlfriend, Jill, found your speed-dating card.

Andy

Ohhh, yeah... right. God, I've been looking for that speed-dating card. Thank you so much for bringing it to me.

Jill

So, you actually wrote that one girl looked like... she was "hurting for a squirting"?

Andy

Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Hurting for a squirting, I wrote that.

Jill

So you wrote "ho fo show."

Andy

Yeah, I remember that girl. She was a ho. For show.

Clip 6

In a desperate attempt to help Andy lose his virginity, Jay organised a party for two in a hotel room. Sadly, the other party was a transvestite.

Jay

Okay, well how do you know that she was a man?

Andy

Because her hands were a big as Andre the Giant's. And she had an Adams Apple as big as her balls.

Clip 7

David and Cal's favourite pastime (when not playing video games, that is) is playing "You know how I know you're gay?". And they're meant to be grown men for fu*k's sake!

David

You know how I know you're gay?

Cal

How? How do you know I'm gay?

David

'Cos you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts.

Cal

You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.

David

You know how I know that you're gay?

Cal

How? 'Cos you're gay and you can tell who other gay people are?

David

You know how I know you're gay?

Cal

How?

David

You like Coldplay. You know how I know that you're gay?

Cal

How?

David

You like the movie Maid in Manhattan.

Cal

You know how I know you're gay?

David

How?

Cal

I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.

David

You know how I know that you're gay?

Cal

How?

David

You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says "I love it when balls are in my face".

Clip 8

Jay's customer is trying to own him. He wants a discount and a free warranty. When Jay isn't willing to budge, the argument gets heated.

Jay

I ain't nobody's nig**r.

Customer

Well, I mean, you're somebody's nig**r wearing this nig**r tie.

Jay

Now you're being condescending. You've been warned, all right? Let's move forward amicably.

Customer

Okay, well check this out, dog. First of all you're throwing too many big words at me. Okay, now because I don't understand 'em I'm gonna take 'em as disrespect. Watch your mouth and help me with the sale.

Jay

Okay, see... see now you found yourself a nig**r. You was lookin' for a nig**r, nig**r here now, see?

Haziz

[Watching the argument unfold]

Today's forecast? Dark and cloudy and chance of drive-by.

Clip 9

Andy has taken Marla to the Health Clinic to speak about birth control. It turns into an awkward group session.

Nurse

Now you're all here because you're interested in obtaining birth control. Any questions?

Father

[Clears this throat]

Here's a cute story. I came home the other day and he...

[indicating his teenage son beside him]

...is with his girlfriend in my marital bed doing things that are illegal in Alabama. Sex acts, right? Things that my wife won't do. Okay?

Nurse

Did you have a question?

Father

How do I get my wife to do that?

Clip 10

Trish and Andy are having their first (and possibly last) argument. He has nothing. She's fully armed with facts and figures.

Trish

I mean, my God, you ride a bicycle to work... in a stock room...

Andy

You know what? I'm not in the stock room any more. I'm a floor manager.

Trish

Okay.

Andy

And I ride a bike because I like to. Einstein rode a bike.

Trish

He had a wife. Who he fu*ked, by the way.