8 MP3 Audio clips from Meet the Fockers (2004)

PLAY ALL 8 CLIPS

Clip 1

Little Jack is hungry and his grandfather, Jack has just the thing. A prosthetic silicon mould of his own daughter's left breast from which to feed the baby. Ewwwww!

Jack

Snack pack for little Jack.

Little Jack

Mmmm!

Greg

What are you doin' there?

Jack

We're doing the breast-feeding stage, Greg. Infants can get very confused and upset when they're separated from their mothers so I invented something to ease LJ's anxiety during chow time.

[He turns to reveal a prosthetic left breast on a harness which he is wearing]

I call it the "Manory Gland". I had it made from an exact cast of Debbie's left bosom.

Little Jack

[Expresses his excitement at his forthcoming meal]

Clip 2

Rozalin makes a withdrawal from the bank of embarrassing and inappropriate-for-dining-room conversations. Greg is cringing. Hell, I'm cringing. It's too awful for words.

Rozalin

Bernie, get the photo album.

Bernie

I'm one step ahead of you, my beauty.

Greg

No, no, no, we're eating dinner. Come on...

[There are mixed reactions around the table as the album is pulled out]

Rozalin

These are the curls from his first trip to the barber shop.

Greg

Nobody wants to see this!

Dina

Oh and you kept his baby teeth.

Rozalin

Look at his own little teeth. Isn't that sweet?!

Dina

Uh-oh, somebody looks very grumpy there.

Bernie

Oh, that's Gay with the Mohel.

Dina

The Mohel?

Greg

No!

Rozalin

He's the man who snips the baby's little winky-dink. See, that's Greg getting circumcised... right here.

Bernie

We had the ceremony at my parent's house and there was a cold-snap and the heat konked... tell 'em.

Rozalin

The heater konked out so no matter how hard he tried, this Mohel couldn't coax Greggie's tiny little turtle from it's shell.

Greg

You know what? Let's not talk about the tiny turtle. Okay? No... let's... this is dinner.

Rozalin

Honey, half the people at this table have penises.

Greg

Mom, control yourself!

Bernie

Roz, he's right. You're embarrassing him.

Dina

Oh, don't tell me you kept his umbilical cord?

Rozalin

Of course not! That's Greg's foreskin.

Clip 3

It's time for a friendly, inter-family game of football. Jack takes it very seriously. He's got a play planned out.

Jack

Fine. Let's play three on two but somebody needs to be official Quarterback.

Bernie

Gay goes both ways.

Jack

Oh, I bet he does!

Clip 4

Greg is trying to entertain Little Jack. What Greg doesn't realise is that a baby's brain is like a sponge. Say a bad word once and baby will just keep on saying it.

Little Jack

[Griping]

Greg

A little birdy! Look, he sings. Oh! And if that mocking bird don't sing, then Greg is gonna buy you a... diamond ring. And if that diamond ring... gets... sold, Greg's gonna feel like a... big a**hole.

Little Jack

Asssss... hoooooole!

Greg

No, no. No. You don't wanna say that word. No we don't wanna say that word 'cos that's a bad word.

Little Jack

Asssss... hoooooole!

Greg

No, no, no. No. Tadpole! Tadpole! Can you say, Tadpole? Mad bull!

Little Jack

Asssss... hoooooole!

Greg

No! Jack's mole. 'Cos Jack has a big mole on his face.

[Singing]

Mr. Moose likes to say good words. He doesn't like you to say bad words.

Little Jack

Asssss... hoooooole!

Clip 5

Jack has returned home to find the Fockers' dog humping his cat, Little Jack with his hands glued to a brandy bottle and Greg wearing his "Manory Gland". Barry Poppins? Hmm. Not quite.

Jack

FOCKER! FOCKER!

Greg

Okay. I know this looks bad. But I can explain.

Jack

What the hell happened? I said no monkey business.

Greg

No, there was no monkey business.

Jack

No monkey business? You're wearing my breast, Little Jack is drinking, Moses is sodomising Jinx and you're telling me there's no monkey business? What is going on here?!

Clip 6

Jack has just heard Little Jack speak on the baby monitor. It's a momentous moment. What will Little Jack's first word be? I think I know.

Jack

He spoke.

Little Jack

[Quietly, over the baby monitor]

Asssss... hoooooole!

Dina

What?

Bernie

Did he say what I thought he said?

Rozalin

I think he said it.

[The adults crowd around the cot]

Jack

Little Jack. What did you just say?

Little Jack

Asssss... hoooooole!

Dina

[Exasperated]

His first word.

Clip 7

Rozalin has just been massaging Jack. It was a vigorous massage intended to cure his sciatica and awaken the sexual spirit within him. Greg's broken up the party.

Greg

What are you doing?

Rozalin

We were so close. I could feel it. I was getting through to him.

Greg

Mom, the guy doesn't like to be touched.

Rozalin

Because he has the emotional hide of a rhinoceros.

Greg

Don't break him down. Just let him be.

Rozalin

I was trying to do you a favour.

Greg

You were riding him like Seabiscuit, Mom!

Clip 8

It's all come to a head. Jack has called a family conference. Pam has chosen her team. And it's team Focker.

Pam

No, Dad. This is the family, all right? In a few weeks I am not going to be Pam Byrnes. I am going to be Pamela Focker.

Greg

Or Byrnes-Focker. We haven't totally decided yet.

Pam

No, no, no... I'm gonna be Pamela Martha Focker. I know how that sounds but... but that's the name I'm taking.