10 MP3 Audio clips from 22 Jump Street (2014)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

Schmidt & Jenko are receiving their briefing from Captain Dickson. Schmidt, in an effort to impress, decides to wax lyrical about how much more he cares because the latest victim is black.

Schmidt

Sir, can I just say it is so refreshing to have a case with a black victim. I mean, we care so much more because she's black.

Jenko

I... I think what he's really trying to say is that we care equally. It's a tie, really... how much we care.

Schmidt

Umm, no we're not. If it was a white person, I wouldn't even care. One less cracker-ass cracker to worry about.

Captain Dickson

Why every time you speak I'm gonna throw the fu*k up?!

Clip 2

Schmidt & Jenko are sharing a dorm room. Jenko has put up poster which Schmidt feels is a little too immature for their current assignment.

Schmidt

I'm gonna veto that poster, it's a touch childish.

Jenko

Okay. What do... Lambos have to do with touching children?

Clip 3

Jenko is confused about what the new course he's been enrolled in entails.

Jenko

Dude, in Human Sexuality do you get to fu*k or do you just get to watch people fu*k?

Schmidt

Neither.

Jenko

What the fu*k am I taking it for, then?

Clip 4

It's open mic night and a group of wannabe comedians are on stage, asking for ideas from the audience. Jenko doesn't quite get it. Clearly.

Student

Okay, we've got time for just one more improv. game. For this one we need a tonne of different suggestions. So, uh, we just need you guys to fill in the blanks in a sentence that we're gonna set up. So it'll go like this. Oh, I'm so hungry I wish I had a...

Jenko

TAMPON!

Student

Okay but we want... we want it to be actual food so that it, like, makes sense with the game. It's more fun that way. So, uh let's try it one more time. Oh, I've gotta get home so I can feed my...

Jenko

BONER!

Student

You know what? Let's just play the game. Okay?

Clip 5

You'll remember that in 21 Jump Street, Schmidt shot Mr. Walters' penis clean off. Well, now Schmidt & Jenko are visiting him and Eric in prison.

Schmidt

Mr. Walters, we should, um... or I should apologise for um...

Mr. Walters

For... shooting my penis off?

Schmidt

Yeah.

Jenko

Yeah.

Mr. Walters

Don't sweat it, brother. I'm liberated. Totally. You know, they gave me a vagina?

[Laughs]

It's awesome. You guys wanna see it?

Schmidt & Jenko

[In unison]

No, no, no, no, it's fine.

Mr. Walters

All right. Eric's seen it. Eric's been all up in that sh*t. Ain't that right, Eric?

Eric

[From his cell]

You guys gotta get me the fu*k out of here!

Mr. Walters

Hey, guess what... I'm Eric's b**ch.

Eric

No, you're not.

Mr. Walters

YES! I AM! I'm your B**CH! Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, honey. I didn't mean that. You know that, right? I'm such a b**ch when the ebb flow shows up. It bleeds so much it's crazy. It's like the elevator doors opening in The Shining.

Eric

Your vagina doesn't fu*king work, man.

Mr. Walters

It worked for you last night!

Clip 6

Schmidt is chatting up Maya, an Art Major in the sculpture garden. He's keen to get her take on a particular piece of modern art.

Schmidt

Art Major. What do you think about...

[He points at a modern art sculpture]

... that?

Maya

Um, I would say... that... it's these two... beings. Leaning up against each other in perfect balance. And if one were to fall, they would just lose each other, so... it's just about... support.

Schmidt

You can't admit that it looks exactly like testicles?

Clip 7

Schmidt & Maya have made love all night. Little did they realise that throughout "proceedings", they had a captive audience.

[Camera widens to reveal MAYA'S roommate who's watching them from across the dorm]

Mercedes

This is why I don't drink.

Maya

Oh...

Schmidt

Hey! How you doin'?

Mercedes

I'm... fine. I mean I've not listened to you guys fornicate all night long. Thrusting...

Maya

Okay.

Mercedes

... and pumping. I thought your hip popped out at one point. I'm just saying it's like all fun and games and then you wake up in bed next to a forty-year-old freshman.

Schmidt

I'm nineteen, so...

Mercedes

Nineteen minutes late to Pinochle where you're meeting your old friends in the park?

Schmidt

Yeah. That's... that's what I meant.

Mercedes

Oh my gosh, Maya look at him. He's still so sharp. That's so inspiring. Tell us about the war. Any one of 'em. You're, like, the loudest climaxer I've ever heard. It was like the sound of like a thirty-year-old sprinkler finally going off for the first time.

Clip 8

Mercedes has struck again. She's silently witnessed Schmidt and Maya's entire conversation without them even noticing.

Schmidt

How long have you been there?

Mercedes

Like the longest amount of time you could think of right now.

Schmidt

This stuff wasn't meant for you. It was meant to be private.

Mercedes

So am I supposed to just sit here and not act like I hear every one of your problems? You've got ninety-nine problems but being young isn't one.

Schmidt

You're just jealous because Maya and I have a real connection.

Mercedes

I'm... pretty close with my Grandpa too. You're more messed up than Cynthia was. And she went to the school shrink three times a week.

Schmidt

Why?

Mercedes

I don't know. They gave her a tonne of pills and sh*t. Maybe he could give you something for your weird old face.

Schmidt

Okay...

Clip 9

Jenko suddenly realises who Maya is. He also realises that Captain Dickson high-fived Schmidt for screwing a college girl. Before he knew that the girl in question was, in fact, his daughter.

Jenko

[Laughing]

Fu*k! You fu*ked Captain Dickson's daughter? Cap'n... what the f... you bragged to him to his face... to his actual face... Cap'n, you understand that? This face right here. You bragged to that face? You actually... high-fived Schmidt for fu*king your daughter. Holy sh*t! Oh, my God! This is...

[Recovering his composure]

... it's really not that funny.

Clip 10

It's the show-down between Schmidt and Mercedes. And she can't help but mock Schmidt for how old he looks.

Mercedes

What? What are you going to do? Choke me with your liver-spotted hands? You gonna push me over with your walker? I'm impressed you caught up to me. You probably haven't run that fast since you played Stick Ball in the field behind old Pop Wiggleby's sweet shop!