16 MP3 Audio clips from Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)

PLAY ALL 16 CLIPS

Clip 1

Justin has got himself all tangled up in a Functional Trainer, trying to lift far too much weight. His reason is... surprising.

Peter

What are you doing with all that weight anyway? It's dangerous.

Justin

Well, it'll be worth it when I make the cheer-leading squad this time. Prove to Amber and everyone else that I'm not a loser.

Peter

Hey, hang on a second... you want to become a cheer-leader to prove to a girl that you are not a loser?

Justin

Yeah. Why?

Peter

Nothing. Just high school's changed a little bit since I was a kid.

Clip 2

The boys' car wash is not going so well. Mainly because busty blondes in bikinis have had the same idea across the street. They do have one customer, though.

Gordon

Guys... not to be a naysayer or anything but the only customer we've had is that weird guy who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.

[Zoom on a hillbilly type holding a Pit Bull on a lead and caressing his belly button whilst watching JUSTIN on all fours in very tight trunks washing the alloy wheels of a monster truck]

Man

That's it boy. Get in there nice and deeply...

[Dog barks]

Clip 3

White is trying to chat up Kate Veatch. He's hitting her with some of his best lines. His best lines.

White Goodman

Point is I would love to see that pretty little bone structure of yours around here some more. I mean, there's no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee / employer relationship. Unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing.

[Laughs]

In which case I got some shackles in the back.

[Laughs]

I'm just kidding. But seriously; I've got 'em.

Clip 4

Yeah. His lines are so bad that he makes Kate sick up into her own mouth. That's how bad this guy is with the ladies.

White Goodman

We should mate.

Kate Veatch

What?

White Goodman

Date! I said we should date some time, you know. Socially. Go out and kick it.

Kate Veatch

[Makes a quiet vomiting sound and covers her mouth with her hand]

White Goodman

Are you okay?

Kate Veatch

[Nods]

I'm fine. I just, uh... threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Clip 5

A short clip from the vintage instructional video on Dodgeball presented by Patches O'Houlihan.

Patches

But remember... Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion and degradation. So, when you're picking players in gym class, remember to pick the bigger, stronger kids for your team. That way you can all gang up on the weaker ones. Like Winston here.

[Cut to child throwing ball and hitting "WINSTON" who crumples to the ground]

[PATCHES laughs]

Clip 6

Another clip from the vintage movie covering the five D's of Dodgeball. FIVE. Not four. Well, actually... yeah. It's four. Sorry.

Patches

Just remember the 5 D's of Dodgeball. Dodge, duck, dip, dive and... dodge.

Clip 7

Patches is still alive. Now bound to an electric wheelchair but as Average Joe's coach, he may be their only hope. Like Obi Wan Kenobi. Or something.

Patches

Hey, you! That was the worst damned display of Dodgeball I've seen in forty years. You wanna have Dodgeball victory? You gotta grab it by its haunches and you've gotta... hump it into submission. That's the only way.

Clip 8

Patches is clearly insane. Who walks into a gym and says this? You know what a "queef" is? Look it up and tell me what that's got to do with Dodgeball.

Patches

[Growls]

I love the smell of queef in the morning!

Clip 9

Yep. It's confirmed. This training session consists of throwing wrenches at the team and expecting them to dodge or catch them.

Patches

If you can dodge a wrench... you can dodge a ball.

Justin

What?

[He throws a wrench which hits JUSTIN in the head and knocks him to the floor]

Clip 10

As inspirational speeches go, this is... way down there with "Why don't you just quit?" and "Are you goddamn blind?" Moving stuff.

Patches

Holy hell, son. You're about as useful as a c*ck flavoured lollipop!

Clip 11

Kate has just thrown a ball, striking the cutout of White Goodman and knocking its head clean off. It's the kind of power and accuracy the team really needs.

Kate

What?

[She sees the boys staring at her in disbelief]

Eight years of Softball.

Dwight

Man, she gotta be a lesbian.

Peter

She is not a lesbian.

Patches

All I know is that dyke can play!

Clip 12

Peter is trying to convince Kate to join the team. I'm not entirely sure that this is the best way of convincing her. Not entirely.

Peter

Come on, Kate. Time to put your mouth where our balls are.

Clip 13

There's been a mix up in the uniform department. Average Joe's have received a box load of rubber and leather fetish gear.

Gordon

ADAA rules require that we wear matching uniforms.

Dwight

Well, I don't think they require ass-less chaps, okay?!

Clip 14

Patches is finally starting to learn how to be a motivational leader. He's called Peter into the dressing room for a chat. And he's full of compliments.

Patches

You did good out there. Real good. You're a natural leader, La Fleur. Those men and that muff-diver in there believe in you. I've got some hookers in my room. What do you say we go celebrate? My treat.

Peter

No thanks. I... I think I'll just stick with the scarf here but thank you, though.

Patches

Suit yourself, queer.

Clip 15

Oh yeah. He's nailed it now. Leading from the front, reiterating advice... he's really got the guys pumped for the semi-final.

Patches

You got lucky in the first round. You caught those dirty Krauts napping but it ain't gonna happen again so blow out the horse hockey and remember what I taught you. Blockers in the centre, funnelling, aim low and will someone catch a goddamn ball?! It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to fu*k a door knob out there.

Clip 16

A player has just been struck between the legs with a fast-moving ball and has crumpled to the floor, clutching where his balls used to be. The commentators can't help but react.

Cotton

Oh! Right in the testicles.

Pepper

Ouch Town... population you, bro!