Hafez Aladeen is the President of The Republic of Wadiya. He's eccentric, he's ruthless and now he's in New York. Only the Aladeen the public see is NOT the real Aladeen. He's been kidnapped and escaped, minus his trademark beard. Can he win back his true identity and prevent his beloved home being sold out for its oil reserves?
Hafez Aladeen is the President of The Republic of Wadiya. He's eccentric, he's ruthless and now he's in New York. Only the Aladeen the public see is NOT the real Aladeen. He's been kidnapped and escaped, minus his trademark beard. Can he win back his true identity and prevent his beloved home being sold out for its oil reserves?
Larry King is interviewing President Aladeen on live TV. There's a burning question that both he and the world want an answer to. Will Aladeen answer it? Er, no. No chance.
Larry King
Do you have nuclear weapons?
Aladeen
[Laughs]
What was the question?
Larry King
Do you have nuclear weapons?
Aladeen
Sorry, I can't hear you.
Larry King
Are you developing nuclear weapons?
Aladeen
No, I literally can't hear you.
Larry King
I'm going to another question.
Aladeen
Oh, I can hear you now!
Clip 2
What kind of a megalomaniac changes three hundred words of his own country's language to his own name? Hafez Aladeen, of course.
Commentator
Often described as ignorant, he changed over three hundred Wadiyan words to Aladeen; including the words "positive" and "negative", causing mass confusion.
[Cut to hospital office where a patient is about to be told the results of his tests]
Doctor
Do you want the... Aladeen news or the... Aladeen news?
Patient
The... Aladeen news?
Doctor
You are HIV... Aladeen.
[The patient is completely confused, smiles with relief at first and then frowns]
Clip 3
President Aladeen has attended his top secret nuclear testing facility to view his Beard of Doom rocket. He's not impressed. At all.
Aladeen
This is... The Beard of Doom rocket? This is my weapon? I will be a laughing stock. All my friends have got nuclear weapons. Even Ahmadinejad and he looks like a snitch on Miami Vice.
Clip 4
Megan Fox is "entertaining" President Aladeen in his massive golden bed.
Aladeen
[On the verge of orgasm]
Uh, uh, uh, ah, Megan! Megan! Megan! Ahhhhh! You now have herpes. Okay, Maroush, give the goodie bag.
Megan
[Whispers]
Thanks.
Aladeen
I trust everything is in there as your manager requested?
Megan
Katy Perry said she got a diamond Rolex.
Aladeen
Well that's because she let me Aladeen in her face.
Clip 5
President Aladeen is staying in the Presidential Suite of a top New York hotel. It has everything. But nothing is free and what it does have carries a hefty price tag.
Aladeen
Twenty dollars a day for internet? WHAT THE FU*K?! And they accuse me of being an international criminal? NOBODY TOUCH THE MINI-BAR. IT'S A FU*KING RIP-OFF!
Clip 6
Zoey has rescued Aladeen from certain arrest and is carrying him across town on her scooter. When they hit a bump, his hands go to her chest. Oh and he's told her that his name is Alison. To be clear.
Zoey
Oh! Alison... could you... could you please take your hands off my breasts?
Aladeen
Those are breasts? I thought you were a boy?!
Clip 7
Zoey has offered Aladeen (who she believes is Alison Burgers) a job at her vegan store. He's asking random questions about the company's operations.
Aladeen
Do you sell any assault rifles?
Zoey
Oh, wait. I got it. Humour, right? I took a feminist clown workshop once.
[She begins to mime]
"Help, help, I'm trapped under a glass ceiling."
Aladeen
What... the FU*K?
Zoey
I wasn't the best student but I, uh... we've got this wellness centre downstairs in the basement where, um... we do water birth. Have you ever seen a water birth?
Aladeen
Not a water birth, but I've seen a water death.
Zoey
Wow. Was it moving?
Aladeen
There was actually very little movement. A little wriggling then two bubbles and then a big bloop and the wallet floats up.
Clip 8
Aladeen has gone a little over the top in the shop and Zoey has to call him out on his attitude. Which gives him the opportunity to notice something about her personal grooming that surprises him.
Zoey
Okay... time out, time out.
[In making the classic "T" gesture with her hands, Zoey reveals her armpits which are... shall we say, naturale?]
Aladeen
Woah, woah, woah, agh! Shave your under the... arms! I dread to think what kind of jungle you have on your malawach! *
* [Editor's Note: "Malawach" is a Yemeni Jewish flatbread typically eaten for breakfast and I have never heard it used as a euphemism for a "lady garden" outside of this movie!]
Clip 9
Aladeen has spotted Nadal, the former head of his nuclear programme working in an Apple Store. He's followed him and now he needs his help.
Aladeen
Nadal. You must help me to get back into power.
Nadal
What? No! Why would I do that? I have a perfectly good job here. I'm a Mac Genuis.
Aladeen
Oh. What do you do?
Nadal
Um, mostly I... clean semen out of laptops.
Aladeen
Congratulations. Living the American dream!
Clip 10
Aladeen has helped to deliver a customer's baby on the basement floor. He holds the infant up, "Simba style" and notices what gender it is.
Aladeen
Oh no.
Father
What's wrong?
Aladeen
I'm sorry. It's bad news. It's a girl. Where's the trash can?
Father
No, no, no. No, that's what we wanted. That's what we wanted. We'll take her. We'll take her. Thank you. Oh baby...
Clip 11
Zoey and Aladeen have finally coupled up. And they're about to make their relationship physical. But first there's something they both need to get off their chests.
Zoey
There's something that I want to tell you.
Aladeen
You've got a d*ck. I knew it.
Zoey
Alison, I d... I don't have a d*ck.
Aladeen
Great! And I've never been with a guy with a d*ck. Or any guy. Or boys. Just girls. And children. Not male ones. Female ones.