5 MP3 Audio clips from Dogma (1999)

PLAY ALL 5 CLIPS

Clip 1

Metatron (Alan Rickman) has appeared in Bethany's bedroom in a blinding fireball. She's extinguished the flames but is now wondering who he is and what he wants.

Bethany

Look, just take whatever you want but don't kill or rape me.

Metatron

Oh give over, will you? I couldn't rape you if I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped.

[To illustrate this point, METATRON reveals his lower half]

See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. Now make yourself useful and give me that towel, will you? Honestly... you bottom feeders and your arrogance. You think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers.

Bethany

What are you?

Metatron

I'm p*ssed off is what I am. Do you go around drenching everybody that comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.

Clip 2

Metatron has spelled out Bethany's destiny in a Mexican restaurant. As he's leaving she has one question she simply has to ask.

Bethany

What's he like?

Metatron

God? Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humour. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.

Bethany

Sex is a joke in Heaven?

Metatron

The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too!

Clip 3

Having saved Bethany from certain death outside her place of work, Jay explains what he and Silent Bob were doing hanging around in the first place.

Bethany

What are you doing hanging around?

Jay

Well, we're here to pick up chicks.

Bethany

Excuse me?

Jay

We figure abortion clinics are a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be here unless they like to fu*k?

Clip 4

The reminiscing continues and Bethany is shocked to discover that Rufus knows Christ. Yes, THE Christ.

Rufus

You know, Christ told me the secrets of the resurrection once. We were at this wedding in Canna, right? And... I got drunk and forgot it.

Bethany

Wait, wait, wait... Christ? You knew Christ?

Rufus

Knew him? Sh*t, nig**r owes me twelve bucks!

Clip 5

It's a mistake to ask Rufus to tell you something about yourself that nobody else knows. Rufus knows everything. Yes. Even THAT.

Rufus

There isn't much I don't know about you.

Bethany

I find that hard to believe.

Rufus

Check this out. When you were five, you let a kid from next door p*ss in your hair.

Jay

Eww, you did that sh*t? You're nasty.

Bethany

I never told anybody about that.

Rufus

And neither did he.

Jay

Yo, man. Tell me something about me.

Rufus

You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.

Jay

So, fu*k... everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.

Rufus

When you do it, you're thinking about guys.

Jay

I do NOT all the time.