13 MP3 Audio clips from MacGruber (2010)

PLAY ALL 13 CLIPS

Clip 1

The "bad guy" is Dieter Von C*nth. That's C*NTH. And yes, it sounds like someone with a lisp saying... yeah. That. But get used to it. It's a recurring joke.

Colonel Faith

Mac... you're our only hope. The country needs you.

MacGruber

I think I've given more than enough to my country already.

Colonel Faith

Mac, if this is about Casey...

MacGruber

It's not about Casey. It's about a promise I made to myself.

Colonel Faith

Listen to me, Mac.

MacGruber

No, you listen. I'm out of the game.

Colonel Faith

Well, the game has changed.

MacGruber

But the players are the same.

Colonel Faith

MacGruber, it's C*nth...

Clip 2

The same joke from a slightly different angle. It still sounds like he's saying... that word but, of course, he's not. Saints preserve us, how many more times can they use the same gag?!

MacGruber

Well then, if you'll excuse me... it's time to go pound some C*nth.

Clip 3

Piper has been shunned by MacGruber who refuses to have him on his team for the forthcoming mission. Piper is trying to explain how he could be indispensable.

Piper

MacGruber, I know I'm not what you expected.

MacGruber

Let me guess. One year out of the academy, zero combat experience, little punk thinks his sh*t don't stink. Well, just to let you know, your sh*t does stink.

[MacGRUBER approaches PIPER and sniffs at him]

Stinks like sh*t!

Clip 4

MacGruber is recruiting several of his special forces buddies for his team. His first port of call is Hoss who's busy bench-pressing in the gym.

MacGruber

Looks like you're keeping your bod pretty tight.

Hoss

Looking pretty good yourself.

MacGruber

Well, every day's a workout when you've got to carry around a twenty pound python in your jeans.

Hoss

You and your d*ck comments.

MacGruber

It's fun to say them.

Hoss

It's fun to hear them.

MacGruber

That's why I say them.

Hoss

That's why I listen.

Clip 5

Earlier, MacGruber head-butted Piper, breaking his nose. He can't help but remind Piper of that fact but I have to say that Piper's retort is on point.

MacGruber

How's your nose, rookie?

Piper

It's fine. I just banged it into a giant vagina.

MacGruber

[Laughs]

So my face is a vagina, huh?

Clip 6

MacGruber's van is packed with his special forces colleagues and over 75 pounds of C4 explosive. What's the worst that can happen? Yeah. That.

Colonel Faith

Look, Mac... are you sure you won't change your mind about letting Piper here join you? He'd make one hell of an asset.

MacGruber

Uh, I would love to. But the van's pretty full. Y'see, it's filled with American heroes. With over a hundred years of combined combat experience and a whole lot of brotherhood. And no, you can't ride in the trunk, Bud. 'Cos the trunk is filled with over seventy five pounds of homemade C4 explosive that I personally packed in there with my own two...

[Behind MacGRUBER, the van carrying his colleagues explodes, sending shrapnel in all directions and a fireball into the air]

Ohhhhhh, FU*K! No, no, no, no, no, no, no... no, no, no.

[He runs towards the wreckage]

TUT! TUT! You guys okay? Oh, somebody's gotta be in there. Oh, no... CALL 9-1-1!

Clip 7

Having barbecued his entire team, MacGruber is forced to beg Piper to join him so that he can still complete the mission he's set his heart upon. And he's willing to beg. And suck d*ck.

MacGruber

Look... I will suck your d*ck. I will suck your fu*king d*ck. I will do it. Just join my team. I will suck your d*ck, you can fu*k me or get fu*ked by me.You can watch me fu*k something. Just point at something in the room and I'll fu*k it for you. C'mon... just tell me what you want me to fu*k.

Piper

Jesus Christ, MacGruber.

MacGruber

[Crying like a child]

Just tell me what you want me to fu*k.

Clip 8

Don't ever invite MacGruber to a party at your house. Unless you have a built-in cistern, that is. Because he's liable to take an Upper Decker in there otherwise.

MacGruber

Sorry. I just took an upper decker in the master bathroom.

Vicki

Upper decker?

MacGruber

Yeah. That's where you take a dump in the water tank and not in the bowl.

Clip 9

It's the initial show-down between MacGruber and Dieter Von C*nth. At the party. In the back room.

MacGruber

Your companion's a very beautiful young woman.

Dieter Von Cunth

Thank you.

MacGruber

Hope you enjoy being date-r*ped, Ma'am.

Dieter Von Cunth

This is my daughter.

Clip 10

That initial meeting isn't going so well. Von C*nth has clearly heard about MacGruber's little "mishap" and is eager to mock him about it.

Dieter Von Cunth

I had assembled the greatest dream team of thugs in the history of the world. Had 'em all in the one room. And I also had some homemade C4. And wouldn't you know it? It exploded. And I lost them all.

MacGruber

You're sh*tting me? YOU'RE SH*TTING ME? Well we have a lot in common because I basically did the same thing.

Dieter Von Cunth

Oh, no, no, no... wait. That didn't happen to me. Because I'm not a fu*king retard who blows up his own dudes.

MaacGruber

Fu*k you, C*nth!

Clip 11

MacGruber is telling Vicki how he and Casey met. I'd love to say it starts out romantically enough but... no. Not at all. Banging her, mowing her box and having her eat his butt? Hmm.

MacGruber

After graduation, he got engaged to her. He asked me to be his Best Man. And right about that time I started banging her and... mowing her box. Um, she was actually the first person I felt comfortable enough around to, uh... let eat out my butt.

Clip 12

Vicki is using a pair of pliers to remove a bullet from MacGruber's inner thigh. Something is amiss though. Something's come up. If you get my drift.

Vicki

Gruber!

MacGruber

Sorry. I always get an erection when a beautiful woman uses a pair of pliers near my balls.

Clip 13

And, inevitably, Vicki and MacGruber end up in bed making the beast with two backs. Romantic? Sure. Mr. Mister's Broken Wings is playing. And then it stops. And we get to hear... MacGruber.

[MacGRUBER is making love to VICKI beneath a single sheet on a moon-lit bed. Music: Mr. Mister - Broken Wings]

MacGruber

[Grunting and moaning like an injured warthog]

I'm gonna frigging explode inside you. I'm gonna spill it. I'm gonna fill you up. Ugh!

Vicki

I'm gonna fill you up.

MacGruber

What?

Vicki

I'm gonna fill YOU up.

MacGruber

Just let me do the talking.

Vicki

Sorry.

MacGruber

[MacGRUBER returns to making the most ridiculous noises imaginable up to and during orgasm]