9 MP3 Audio clips from As Good as It Gets (1997)

PLAY ALL 9 CLIPS

Clip 1

Melvin has just thrown Verdell (Simon's Brussels Griffon) down the trash chute and is playing innocent when asked whether he's seen him. It doesn't take long for Melvin to show his true colours.

Melvin

Oh! I got it. You were talking about your dog.

Simon

Yeah.

Melvin

I thought it was the name of that coloured man that I've been seeing in the halls.

Simon

Which colour was that?

Melvin

Uh, like, uh... thick molasses, uh... with a broad nose... perfect for smelling trouble in prison food.

Simon

FRANK! FRANK!

Frank

Simon? You have got to get dressed.

Simon

Frank Sachs... Melvin Udall.

Melvin

How you doin'?

Simon

Frank shows my work, Mr. Udall. I think... yeah, I think you know that.

Frank

People are gonna start coming... please...

Melvin

What I know is as long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat crap what or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbours for now?

Clip 2

Simon has discovered what happened to Verdell and has knocked on Melvin's door to remonstrate. Melvin is not happy with the intrusion.

Melvin

Well I work all the time. So NEVER, NEVER interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire. Not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hankie to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're gonna faint. Even then, don't... come... knocking. Or if it's election night and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudge-packer that you date has been elected the first queer President of the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David... and you want someone to share the moment with... even then, don't knock. Not on this door.

Clip 3

The Secretary at Melvin's publisher is a big fan. A BIG fan. She's watched Melvin adoringly for several minutes and then plucks up the courage to ask him just a couple of questions.

Secretary

Oh, come on. Just a couple of questions. How hard is that?

[She approaches MELVIN and thinks for a moment]

How do you write women so well?

Melvin

I think of a man. And I take away reason and accountability.

Clip 4

Nora (Simon's housekeeper) has asked Melvin to walk Verdell for him. Melvin has agreed. Nora thinks he's wonderful. Melvin, however, can't take a compliment.

Nora

You're a wonderful man. Um, two o'clock would be a good time. And here is the key in case he is asleep. Open his curtains for him so he can see God's beautiful work. And he'll know that even things like this happen for the best.

Melvin

Where did they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City "sailor-want-a-hump-hump bar"? Or is this getaway day and your last shot at his whisky? Sell crazy some place else. We're all stocked up here.

[MELVIN slams his front door in NORA'S face]

Clip 5

Introductions can be awkward. Especially when you're a homophobic misanthrope like Melvin.

Carol

Hi!

Melvin

[Realising that he hasn't introduced CAROL to SIMON]

Oh, uh, oh... Carol the waitress... Simon the fag.

Clip 6

Good times. Good friends. Noodle salad. Melvin seems obsessed with noodle salad. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's a metaphor. Perhaps he just likes noodle salad.

Carol

Hey! We all have these terrible stories to get over and you...

Melvin

It's not true. Some of us have great stories. Pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and... noodle salad. Just... no-one in this car! But... a lot of people. That's their story. Good times... noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad but that you're that p*ssed that so many others had it good.

Clip 7

The next time I'm trying to woo an amazing, gorgeous, intelligent woman... I'm going to remember this speech from Simon. It gives me goosebumps!

Simon

I have to draw you.

[CAROL'S not able to hear above the sound of running bath water]

Carol

Huh?

[She shuts off the taps]

Simon

I have to draw you.

Carol

No, no, no! Absolutely not. I'm a lot more shy than people think. I give off the wrong impression.

Simon

I have to. I haven't sketched anything in weeks.

Carol

Stop staring! Do a vase!

Simon

But you're beautiful, Carol. Your skin, your long neck, the back... the line of you. You're why cavemen chiselled on walls.

Clip 8

Melvin has royally fu*ked up his date with Carol. The following morning, he vents his frustrations on Simon over breakfast.

Melvin

DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH HER?

Carol

To hell with sex. It was better than sex. We held each other. What I need, he gave me. Great!

[Leaving the room]

I'll get dressed in a hurry.

Simon

[Laughs]

I just love her. How you doin'?

[MELVIN storms out of the room and slams the door behind him]

Clip 9

Arguably the most poignant moment in the film because Melvin has overcome his homophobia and realised that Simon is an amazing man, regardless of his sexuality.

Simon

You overwhelm me. I love you.

Melvin

I'll tell you buddy... I'd be the luckiest guy alive if that did it for me.