10 MP3 Audio clips from The Jerk (1979)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

It's Navin's birthday and high-time he knew the truth about his heritage. He's lighter skinned than his siblings because... well, he's not black.

Mother

It's your birthday and it's time you knew. Navin... you're not our natural-born child.

Navin

I'm not?

Mother

You were left on our doorstep. But we raised you like you were one of us.

Navin

You mean I'm gonna stay this colour?!

[He begins to sob like a child]

Mother

Navin, I'd love you if you were the colour of a baboon's ass!

Clip 2

If you're setting out into the world alone, you'd better know the difference between sh*t and Shinola. But in Navin's case it's always best to check.

Father

Now that you're going out into the world, there's, uh... something you should know.

[He points down at a pile of animal droppings on the ground]

You see that?

Navin

Yeah.

Father

That's sh*t.

[He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small, round tin of shoe polish]

And this... is Shinola.

Navin

Sh*t... Shinola.

Father

Son, you're gonna be all right!

Clip 3

It's time for a tearful goodbye as Navin sets out into the world.

Mother

And I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.

Navin

I will, Ma. I know it's out there.

Taj

It's out there, all right. And if you catch it, see a doctor and get rid of it.

Clip 4

Navin is hitch-hiking to St. Louis. Each mile travelled brings him closer to his destination. But the first ride is WAY less than a mile!

[NAVIN is hitching a lift outside his home. A pick-up approaches, slows and stops beside him]

Navin

I'm hitch-hiking.

Driver

How far you going?

Navin

St. Louis. How far are you going?

Driver

To the end of this fence.

Navin

Okay!

[He jumps in and the vehicle moves off]

I'm Navin Johnson. What's your name, sir?

[The truck pulls to a halt]

Driver

Here we are!

Navin

Okay!

[He jumps back out to continue thumbing a lift]

Clip 5

A dog has been barking at Navin's motel room door. He immediately assumes the dog is warning of fire. And so he wakes up the whole complex to warn them of the danger they're not in.

Navin

FIRE! IT'S A FIRE! THERE'S A FIRE! EVERYBODY! UP! WAKE UP! IT'S A FIRE! IT'S A FIRE! THIS DOG, HE'S SAVING EVERYBODY'S LIFE. IT'S UNBELIEVABLE. THIS SMALL DOG IS A LIFESAVER. THAT'S WHAT I'LL CALL HIM, TOO. OH, LIFESAVER! THAT'S GOING TO BE YOUR NAME!

[A fire truck is seen whistling along the road into town]

[Cut to: Exterior of motel, firefighters emerging from a room]

Firefighter

FOLKS! FALSE ALARM. THERE'S NO FIRE.

Guest

Hey, mister. Don't call that dog Lifesaver.

Navin

No?

Guest

Call him... Sh*thead.

Clip 6

Navin's grandmother is reading one of his many letters home aloud to the rest of the family. She doesn't bat an eyelid at his faux-pas.

Grandmother

"I think next week I'll be able to send more money as I may have extra work. My friend Patty promised me a blowjob. Your loving son, Navin."

Clip 7

Marie has lost her five-year-old charge, Billy somewhere in the fun fair. Navin is driving the miniature train.

Marie

BILLY!

Navin

[Incorrectly assuming that MARIE is referring to "Puffin' Billy"]

Woo woooo!

Marie

Have you see a five-year-old boy, blonde hair and he's wearing a t-shirt that says "bullsh*t" on it?

Clip 8

Don't be fooled. Although Navin's question sounds like the worst chat-up line in the world, it's going to get worse. Far, FAR worse.

Navin

Are you a model?

Marie

No. I'm a Cosmetologist.

Navin

Really? A Cosmetologist? That's unbelievable. That's impressive. Must be tough to handle the weightlessness!

Clip 9

Navin and Marie are dining out in style. A high-class restaurant, vintage wine and escargot. Shame, really. They really don't belong.

Waiter

Would you care for another bottle of Château la Tour?

Navin

Uh, yes but no more nineteen sixty-six. Let's splurge. Bring us some fresh wine. Freshest you've got. This year's. No more of this old stuff.

Waiter

Oui, monsieur.

Navin

He doesn't realise he's dealing with sophisticated people here!

Clip 10

SPOILER ALERT: It's Navin and Marie's reunion outside a theatre in New York. He's filthy dirty but she doesn't mind a little dirt. Smell, however...

Navin

I'd kiss you but I'm so dirty.

Marie

Dirt doesn't bother me.

[She approaches and reaches out to embrace him]

But the smell does. Oh, Navin. Wooooooooooo!