12 MP3 Audio clips from The Hangover Part II (2011)

PLAY ALL 12 CLIPS

Clip 1

Stu's idea of a bachelor party (in light of past experiences) is a breakfast at IHOP. Phil's idea of a bachelor party is NOT a breakfast at IHOP. And he has something to say about it.

Stu

I'm still putting the broken pieces of my psyche back together.

Phil

[Laughs]

Stu

And you know what the glue is? Lauren. And I'm not doing anything to screw that up.

Phil

Oh, please. You wouldn't even be with her if it wasn't for us.

Stu

Oh, this'll be good!

Phil

Stu! Think about it. You ended up ditching Melissa, two years later you met your true soulmate. You take Vegas out of that equation and you would've married a c*nt.

[An ELDERLY COUPLE at an adjacent table are understandably shocked at PHIL'S dropping of the "C-Bomb"]

Phil

Oh, it's okay. I'm allowed to say it. It's a bachelor party. Drink up, everybody. Oh, wait... there's no alcohol. I forgot, we're at a fu*king IHOP!

Clip 2

Teddy is the sixteen-year-old, soon-to-be brother-in-law of Stu. They've met him at the airport and Stu is proudly doing the introductions. Trust Alan to screw things up!

Phil

Wow! Stanford? How old are you?

Stu

Uh, he's... seventeen. Kind of a genius.

Teddy

Actually, I'm sixteen. I'm not a genius. My Dad just had me take the entrance exams early.

Stu

Because you're a genius!

Alan

So what are you, a doctor?

Teddy

No. Not yet. I'm a pre-med.

Alan

Ever heard of that guy Doogie Howser?

Teddy

Yeah.

Alan

Well, he turned out to be a gay.

Doug

Alan!

Clip 3

Teddy has just performed a charming solo on the Cello and now it's time for Fohn to make a speech as the father of the bride. This isn't going to go well.

Fohn

Thank you, Teddy. The hands of a brilliant musician and one day a great surgeon. I admit it. When I first met Stu I was not quite sold. He seemed unattractive. He lacked intelligence and imagination. He was missing the spark you look for in a man. But then I looked into Stu's eyes. He reminded me of my sweet brother, Chaiyo. For those who do not know, Chaiyo is learning disabled and lives in a group home.

Alan

[Laughs loudly and inappropriately]

Clip 4

Alan's Uncle Roger once saw an albino polar bear. Apparently. Yeah, I know that polar bears are white which makes identifying it as albino difficult. But this one was BLACK!

Alan

My Uncle Roger said that he once saw an albino polar bear.

Stu

Really? Polar bears are white... how would he know if it's an albino?

Alan

This one was black.

Stu

D'you ever think maybe it was just a black bear?

Clip 5

The tattoo artist who inked Stu's face is busy tattooing a nine-year-old's arm when the guys return to the scene of the crime to get some clues as to Teddy's whereabouts.

Tattoo Artist

That's when the cops arrived; started cracking skulls. I took you guys and hid you in the shop here. Then you...

[indicating STU]

...decided to get a tattoo. Cried like a little b**ch! This kid's fu*king nine-years-old and he's got balls twice your size.

[To the KID]

Show them your balls.

[The KID appears to start undoing his shorts]

Phil

No, no, no. We... that's okay.

Clip 6

When visiting a monastery, especially one where the majority of monks have taken a sacred vow of silence, it is probably best not to speak. As the boys are about to find out.

Stu

Hi. How you doin'? Uh, are you the one in charge?

[The MONK begins to hit the guys each time one of them speaks. It takes a little while and probably quite a lot of bruising to figure out that the best way to stop getting hit is to shut the fu*k up!]

Clip 7

At least they've found ONE monk who's happy to speak to them without smacking them with a khakkhara.

Monk

Perhaps... you should bring your question to the Garden of Meditation.

Doug

Do you understand a word he just said?

Stu

Yeah, I got about two thirds. He said something about the Garden of Meditation.

Alan

No, he said he's farting because of his medication. I get that.

Clip 8

The boys have arrived at a strip club looking for Teddy. Sadly, their mission gets kind of lost in translation and the owner thinks they're paedophiles on the prowl.

Phil

Okay, that's it. We're just looking for a little kid.

Samir

Two thousand dollars.

Phil

WHAT?!

Samir

I don't know. It may be more, okay? How young do you want this kid to be?

Phil

No, no, no, no. Sorry. You misunderstood. We're looking for our friend. Sixteen years old. Teddy?

Clip 9

In the first movie, Stu married an exotic dancer. In this movie he's had sex with an exotic dancer. Only this exotic dancer happened to be a Bangkok chick-boy.

Kimmy

Don't be sad, Stu. You love it. You were crying, saying how special it was.

Phil

Wait!

[Laughs]

I'm sorry... he was crying?!

Alan

Poor little baby was crying.

Kimmy

You should've seen him. He was so sexy. The way he moved around. I asked him to slow down 'cos I'm gonna drop my load too quick.

Stu

Load? What load?

Kimmy

Oh, you know... my sperms.

Stu

Uh, no... your English is off. She's talking about my sperms. Where would your sperm come from?

Kimmy

From my balls.

Phil

Hold on. Back up. W... wait. Are you...

Kimmy

Hey... you in Bangkok, sweetie. There's a reason they don't call it Bangc*nt!

Clip 10

It gets worse. ALOT worse. It seems that Kimmy and Stu simultaneously climaxed. That's not the worst part, actually. It's Kimmy's description of the moment...

Kimmy

C'mon, Stu. It was beautiful. We climaxed at the same time.

Stu

How's that work?

Kimmy

Shoot my load into you, you shoot your load on the floor.

Clip 11

I love Billy Joel and usually a cover of one of his songs makes me want to rip the artist's arms off and beat him to death with the soggy ends. But for Stu's version of Allentown... I'll make an exception. It's genius.

Stu

[Singing and playing the guitar]

Well we're living here in Alan Town.

And he's driven our lives into the ground.

When we woke up we were wasted and drunk,

Phil got shot, we got beaten by a monk.

I was happy and my life was good.

Getting married like a dentist should.

Roasting marshmallows on a stick,

I got fu*ked in the ass by a girl with a d*ck.

Alan

[Laughs]

I remember that!

Stu

And we're living here in Alan Town.

Clip 12

It's the big show down with Fohn who really doesn't want Stu marrying his daughter. Stu is handling things manfully. Until Alan reminds him of his night with Kimmy, that is.

Stu

Here's the deal man. I got a dark side. There's a demon in me.

Alan

It's true. He has semen in him.

Stu

I said "demon".

Alan

But you also have semen in you, remember? From the -

Stu

Not relevant but thank you, Alan.