13 MP3 Audio clips from Long Shot (2019)

PLAY ALL 13 CLIPS

Clip 1

The newspaper which Fred writes for is opposed to giant media conglomerates. And it's just been bought by a giant media conglomerate. Oh, the irony! Fred has an idea to keep the paper afloat.

Fred's Boss

We've been running as long as we can on ads for weed doctors and escorts.

Fred

Let's get penis enlargement ads, too. No-one likes their d*ck!

Clip 2

Everyone needs a friend like Lance. Someone who will drop everything if you hit a snag in life. Someone who'll listen. Care. And get you fu*ked up. TOTALLY fu*ked up!

Lance

[Addressing his workforce]

EVERYBODY! This is my best friend and he just lost his job today. All right? He's at rock bottom.

Fred

It's not that bad.

Lance

He feels like sh*t. And I'mma make him feel better. It's been a tradition since we were in college. When one of us feels sad, the other one has to get him fu*ked up. I'm talking Britney Spears, mid-2000s, bald head, almost droppin' the baby fu*ked up!

Clip 3

Stepping out of the elevator on their way to a party, Fred expresses his feelings towards his former employer. Lance, always ready with a wise word, reciprocates.

Fred

I got fu*ked, man.

Lance

Yeah, you got fu*ked like a stepmom on PornHub.

Clip 4

Fred didn't think about the possibility of being searched on the way in to a government building and has turned up for his meeting with Charlotte Field carrying almost every drug known to man.

Fred

That's prescription... for anxiety. Uh, this is if you can't dance for a long time and you want to. That's prescription as well... for, uh... lack of energy. That's energy powder. These are to... wrap the anxiety medication in when inhaling it... medicinally. That's if you want to vaporise the anxiety medicine which I have... a prescription for. And that's a blunt!

Clip 5

Fred has written Charlotte's first speech. She's reviewing it with him aboard Air Force Two.

Charlotte

Woah! I feel like these jokes are a little... angry?

Fred

Oh. I thought maybe they were like emphatic?

Charlotte

[Quoting his text]

"With every fracking drill thrust, we are literally butt-fu*king Mother Earth?"

Fred

It could be normal fu*king. It doesn't have to be... in the butt. I could take that part out.

Clip 6

Maggie is a b**ch. She's dressed Fred like the wooden man on a cuckoo clock and Charlotte can't contain her amusement at just how ridiculous he looks.

Charlotte

[Laughs]

What the fu*k are you wearing?

Fred

She bought me this sh*t. Okay?

Maggie

It's a traditional Swedish suit.

Fred

I don't see another fu*king Swede up in here dressed like this.

Maggie

It's all I could do on such short notice.

Charlotte

If you just take the jacket off it's gonna make it better, it's just... make it look...

Fred

[Removes jacket to reveal garish embroidery on both ruffled sleeves]

Charlotte

... oh my God.

[Starts laughing again]

Clip 7

Well, he might now be dressed like a precocious German child from the early 1800s but at least he still has manners. Fred offers Maggie a glass of champagne.

Maggie

No. Thank you. I'm working right now. And you know you are, too.

Fred

I do know that. But you dressed me like Cap'n Crunch's Grindr date so I'm gonna drink to make you uncomfortable.

Clip 8

Charlotte and Fred are sharing embarrassing stories. I have a feeling that Charlotte won this round... hands down!

Charlotte

I'd just got back from a trip to New Delhi.

Fred

Yeah?

Charlotte

I got called into a meeting with the Joint Chiefs and I was a little nervous.

Fred

Yeah.

Charlotte

Yeah. And... my stomach... was a little weird... from all the curry.

Fred

Oh no...

Charlotte

Delhi Belly? Well... we were in a motorcade and we couldn't stop.

Fred

Oh no.

Charlotte

Mmm hmm. God... I ruined a really nice Dolce & Gabbana bag.

Fred

You puked in it?

Charlotte

Nope.

Fred

OH NO! IN A MOVING VEHICLE?!

Clip 9

Charlotte has had problems dating in the past. Men just don't seem to like dating women more powerful than them. It's a real d*ck shriveller, apparently.

Charlotte

And honestly? Guys don't really wanna date women who are more powerful than them. They think they do but... it's a d*ck shriveller.

Fred

Oof!

Charlotte

Mmm hmm.

Fred

Dick Shriveller is my favourite Batman villain though, so...

Clip 10

Charlotte is an exceptional Secretary of State. And she likes to get a little "freaky" in the bedroom by all accounts.

Charlotte

I want you to fu*k me from behind and slap my ass really hard.

Fred

What?

Charlotte

What?

Fred

Nothing. What... did I say "what?"

Charlotte

Am I being too bossy?

Fred

No, no, no, no, no, not at all, no, no...

Charlotte

No, I am. No, I'm your boss all day and now I'm bossing you in bed. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way.

Fred

No! Not at all.

Charlotte

I was just...

Fred

My brain honestly just went into shock a little bit...

Charlotte

Yeah, but you hesitated.

Fred

No, it's just... not how I imagined you liking things.

Charlotte

You know what? We'll do exactly what you were imagining and then you turn me around, slap me on my ass and then choke me a little bit.

Clip 11

Fred has just witnessed Maggie leaving Tom's hotel room. They've clearly been having sex despite appearing to hate each other. Fred is completely grossed out at the very idea of it.

Fred

GROSS!

Tom

Um...

Fred

I thought you guys hated each other.

Maggie

We do hate each other.

Tom

We do. Big time. Uh...

Maggie

We are also fu*king.

Fred

Urgh! How long have you been fu*king?

Tom

That was probably twenty minutes.

Fred

NOT RIGHT NOW!

Maggie

Oh...

Tom

That's a lot of questions. I...

Maggie

So... I would say anywhere between two and five... three and a half times.

Tom

I'd say on my end probably five and that three and a half sounds right.

Fred

I don't know how you're tallying that sh*t. That's sick.

Maggie

Okay, first of all... there's a woman present.

Fred

There's a woman in there, too?

Maggie

A woman is present and that woman is me.

Fred

You?

Tom

Talking about her.

Maggie

I can...

Tom

Trust me...

Maggie

I can...

Tom

I... know!

Clip 12

Charlotte loves Fred. How does she know? Because she's never been more scared. And that's coming from a woman who once shared an elevator with an evil dictator.

Charlotte

Here's the deal. I love you. I know I do because I've never been so scared in my entire life. And I once shared an elevator with Saddam Hussein. Just me and Saddam.

Clip 13

Why do men feel it's appropriate to make jokes about that time of the month? It's NOT appropriate. On any level. As this chauvinistic twat of a news anchor is about to discover for himself.

Female Anchor

What a momentous day... our first female President.

Male Anchor 1

Yeah.

Female Anchor

I never thought I'd see it.

Male Anchor 1

Well, I mean a lot of people are going to say this is an historic moment for women everywhere but do we really want her finger on the button when it's that time of the month?

Male Anchor 2

I wouldn't want my wife making any decision during that time of the month.

Female Anchor

You know what? Fu*k you guys. I quit.

Male Anchor 2

Looks like it's someone's time of the month.

Male Anchor 1

Oh! Looks like Aunt Flo's going to work down at the Red River Casino...

[The FEMALE ANCHOR has thrown something at him and it's knocked him unconscious]

Male Anchor 1

OH!

Male Anchor 2

JESUS CHRIST! CAN WE CUT?!