9 MP3 Audio clips from Click (2006)

PLAY ALL 9 CLIPS

Clip 1

The O'Doyles are the neighbours who love to have everything. Bigger, better, more expensive. Their son, Kevin, is a spoiled, precocious little turd. But that doesn't mean he always wins.

Kevin O'Doyle

[Cycling up to MICHAEL as he's leaving for work]

Mister Newman!

Michael

Kevin O'Doyle... yeah, always a pleasure.

Kevin O'Doyle

What kind of stereo you got in that blue piece of sh*t?

Michael

You know what? I never checked, Kevin.

Kevin O'Doyle

Yeah, well my father's stereo is a Bose.

Michael

[Driving away]

Your father's stereo blows? That's too bad!

Kevin O'Doyle

NO! I SAID... THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID!

Clip 2

A huge hotel contract has fallen into Michael's lap. If he pulls this deal off, he may just make partner. But he already has plans for the fourth of July weekend.

Michael

I'm fourth of Julyin' with the kids this weekend. Right when I get back I'm all over it.

Ammer

Great! Have a great fourth of July with the kids. I'll put Swardson on it.

Michael

No, no... absolutely not. I... I... can't it just wait three days?

Ammer

Michael, these guys are Japanese. They can't wait for their fish to cook!

Clip 3

Michael is late to a swimming meet. Picking a lane and assuming that his son is in it, he starts to shout encouragement. At the wrong child.

Michael

That's my boy! That's my boy! Kid, you were great!

Kid

[Obviously Oriental and not BEN]

You're not my Dad.

Michael

Eh? As far as you know!

Kid

What?

Michael

I... I was just joking.

Kid

[Starting to cry]

Is this really my Dad?

Clip 4

Janine has a poor track record when it comes to marriage. You see, she gets bored during the day when her husband is at work. Three marriages, three brothers-in-law, three affairs.

Janine

Oh my God... I want that so bad. A husband that I can kiss and love and... give juice to.

Michael

You've already cheated on three different husbands with their brothers. I think you've given enough juice to everybody. Love juice!

[Laughs]

Janine

You know way too much about me. I should never have done that Montel Williams show.

Michael

Even Montel Williams thinks you're crazy and he's seen a lot of sh*t.

Janine

[Slamming her fist into the table and standing up]

I was desperate for companionship. All of my husbands... all of them have emotionally abandoned me.

Michael

They went to work. You had sex with their unemployed brothers.

Clip 5

The Universal Remote controls your LIFE, right? So if the menu had a "Making Of" feature, would YOU press it? And witness your own conception? No. Me neither!

Michael

Hey! Psychedelic. Where are we?

[Turning around to see two people making love under the covers]

Hey... is this a porno or something?

Woman

Oh, Ted! Oh, Ted!

Michael

Is that my parents?

Morty

They're making you! Like bunny rabbits!

Woman

That's the spot!

Man

Smack my hiney!

[Slapping sound]

Man

Oh!

Michael

Change the channel! How do you do this?!

Clip 6

And having witnessed your own conception, how about witnessing your own birth? That's not at all creepy, right?

[Baby crying]

Obstetrician

It's a girl!

Trudy

It's a girl!

Ted

Oh! Oh, it's a girl. Thank you so much.

Trudy

Thank you for that..

Obstetrician

Wait a minute. I'm sorry. It might be a boy.

Trudy

What do you mean "might be"? What is that?

Obstetrician

Maybe that's a penis.

Michael

MAYBE that's a penis? That's a penis. That's MY penis!

Trudy

Can I see that? Can you bring him a little closer?

[The OBSTETRICIAN brings the baby closer and TRUDY peers between his legs]

That's a tiny schmeckle. We have a boy!

Ted

We have a boy!

Morty

Your mother must have some super power eyesight because... I didn't see anything.

Michael

Oh! Hardy har har! Let's get out of here!

[MICHAEL hits a button on the remote and is whisked away from the delivery suite]

Clip 7

Michael's parents are going home having spent an evening at Chez Newman. Michael has been on fast-wind the whole time but he must have done okay. Right?

Ted

Michael?

Michael

Yo!

Ted

We don't want to interrupt. We're taking off. Thanks for a great night.

Michael

You had a fun time? Hanging out with me? That was, uh... we... we did good, right?

Trudy

Goodnight, honey.

Michael

Love ya. My schmeckle got bigger now that I'm older. Just so you guys know that.

Trudy

It couldn't have gotten any smaller!

Ted

[Laughs]

It looked like a little Tic Tac.

[Laughs]

Michael

Yeah. Come here. I'll freshen your breath!

Clip 8

The Universal Remote makes light work of getting ready in the morning. You can fast-forward through the whole showering and dressing thing.

Michael

YES! Look at me. All showered. And dressed. And lookin' sexy! I like that...

[Realises his daughter is watching him]

Samantha

Did you smoke crack, Daddy?

Clip 9

Michael has fast-forwarded a little too far. It's now 2017 and he arrives at the family home in his futuristic car listening to the news of the future. Which couldn't get any weirder. Believe me.

Newsreader

This is Ten Ten Wins news, February 5th 2017. Britney Spears had her twenty-third baby today. Proud father Kevin Federline says he's now considering getting a job. Also, Michael Jackson, the first man to clone himself is now suing himself. For molesting himself.