7 MP3 Audio clips from Dinner for Schmucks (2010)

PLAY ALL 7 CLIPS

Clip 1

Julie is exhibiting the work of her client, Kieran. Tim pops by to see how things are going. It's all going very well but for one small issue...

Tim

Look at this crowd!

Julie

I know. It's amazing. We actually sold every painting.

Tim

That's incredible! Oh my God!

Julie

Except that I did another one of my name fiasco thingies.

Tim

Oh, God. What... what happened?

Julie

The director of San Francisco MOMA is here and his name is... Steve... Doche? And I thought that it was... pronounced...Douche.

Tim

Oh, God. It's like the Ron Fuchs episode all over again.

Clip 2

Kieran is describing assisting in the delivery of a zebra foal during a breach birth. I want to make that clear because out of context, this clip is going to sound decidedly creepy.

Kieran

Do you have any idea what it's like, Tim to be... up to your elbow... in a zebra's vagina? And feel life. New life. Fresh life.

Tim

No. I don't.

Kieran

You should try it, Tim. It's magical.

Tim

Yeah, I'm... I'm okay.

Clip 3

Tim has just schmoozed Müeller right out from under Caldwell's nose and he's not happy about it. Luckily, Lance is on side and is more than happy for Tim to carry on schmoozing.

Caldwell

Okay, what the hell just happened? This guy's supposed to be my client. You're still just an analyst...

Lance

No, no, no, no... this... this is better, I didn't know it was going to be a double-date. Tim's the only one here who isn't divorced or dating a hooker.

Caldwell

Girlfriend's not a hooker.

Williams

She tried to give me a BJ.

Caldwell

Yeah, if she didn't ask for money then she's not a hooker, is she?

Williams

She asked me for money. It wasn't that expensive either. Still had a tonne of singles left over from your sister's birthday party. Hey, is Cinnamon a family name?

Clip 4

When your psychotic, nymphomaniac one-night-stand shows up three years later and makes frankly sickening demands of your dim-witted friend and that friend isn't picking up what she's laying down?

Darla

I'm a naughty little school girl.

Barry

You look a little old to be a school girl.

Darla

I need to be punished. Daddy wanna be my school teacher?

Barry

I'm really not qualified. I work for the IRS.

Darla

You work for the IRS and I have been very, very bad. And I need to be spanked, NOW!

Barry

Well that's really not the way it works. You probably just have to pay the difference plus interest...

Darla

Okay... just spank me real hard. SPANK ME HARD, BARRY!

Clip 5

Let's play a game. I'll say something and you have to try NOT to think about it. Here goes. A yellow submarine. You thought about it didn't you? It'll make sense when you hear this clip.

Barry

Hey, just don't think about the fact that you can't sleep. Because then you're sunk. Then you just start thinking, "Wow! What's going on?" Your mind starts reeling. "Where's Julie? Oh, she's with Kieran. Is he a better lover than I am? Yes, he is!" Don't think about that. Get those thoughts out of your head.

Clip 6

Convinced that Julie is sleeping with Kieran and determined to win her back, Tim turns up at his ranch. With Barry. Big mistake... on both counts.

Julie

What are you doing here?

Tim

Julie, there's something I need to tell you...

Barry

[Interjecting]

Kieran has gonorrhoea.

Kieran

No, I don't.

Barry

You might.

Kieran

I DON'T.

Barry

Well, she does. She has gonorrhoea.

Julie

What?

Barry

Don't sleep with her.

Tim

She doesn't.

Barry

Are you sure?

Tim

Yes.

Barry

Because you can get it from riding the bus.

Tim

No, you can't.

Barry

Yes. You can, Tim. That's how my wife got it.

Tim

Barry, no-one here has gonorrhoea.

Clip 7

Therman (who works for the IRS) is a master of mind control. And at the Dinner for Schmucks, he uses his powers on poor, unsuspecting Barry.

Therman

And tell us, Barry... why did your wife leave you?

Barry

Nnnnn...

Therman

Spit it out of your mouth.

Barry

No.

Therman

Say it!

Barry

No!

Therman

Say it, boy!

Barry

I lost her clitoris.

[There's laughter around the table]

Female Guest

You lost her clitoris?

Barry

She got mad because she couldn't find it.

Female Guest

Well... you know...

Barry

I said, "It's probably in your purse." Because nine times out of ten when she loses something, that's where they end up.

Female Guest

Barry, do you even know what that is?

Barry

I don't know what half the stuff in her purse is.

Therman

Well don't worry, Barry. I found it. It was in her purse. It was in her naughty purse!

Female Guest

Wow! I mean thank God somebody found it, right?!