6 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Big Mouth (2017)

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Nick is confused. He's just discovered breasts but he doesn't know if it's okay to LIKE breasts. Family dinner seems like the perfect opportunity to sort this conundrum out.

Nick

Okay, let's say I do like her breasts. I mean, what's so wrong with that?

Leah

Well, there's nothing wrong with it, per se. I mean even I can appreciate a nice set of boobs.

[MAURICE spit-takes all over ANDREW. He's been drinking from a Starbucks cup... filled with Vodka]

Andrew

Urgh! This is Vodka!

Maurice

Hey, listen. You want me sharp or what?

Leah

But it's how you guys are talking about it.

Nick

I'm sorry... you look at boobs, like, in a lesbian way?

Diane

No.

[LEAH laughs]

Women just admire each other's bodies in a way that men don't.

Leah

Exactly.

Maurice

Andrew, I think the mother and the sister are about to fu*k.

Andrew

Do you not know their names? We're over here all the time.

Maurice

Sorry, sorry, yes... uh, Lexie and Rita are about to fu*k.

Nick

So I just want to clarify... it's okay for us to like boobs?

Leah

Yes. But you can't treat a woman like her boobs are all she is.

Diane

And if you're really interested in this girl, get to know her.

Nick

Hmm. Get to know her. Perhaps I shall.

Leah

Urgh, don't say it like that Doctor Tiny.

Elliot

Ooh, you know I just realised something. Every single person at this table has had Diane's breasts in their mouth.

Andrew

Well, um...

Elliot

Except for you, Andrew.

Maurice

All right, now Marcus is inviting you to suck Rita's tits.

Andrew

What?

Maurice

Oh, Andrew!

Having attempted to speak to his Rabbi about his "sins" and got nowhere, Andrew decides to give Catholicism a whirl as he's heard confession is so much easier and more anonymous.

Andrew

Uh, forgive me father for I was looking at my best friend's sister's bathing suit and I... fell prey to... masturbation.

Priest

Got it. Do five Our Fathers.

Andrew

Uh, that's it?

Priest

That's it.

Andrew

I'm sorry... that's Catholicism?

Priest

Wait, you not Catholic?

Andrew

If you must know, I'm Jewish.

Priest

Ohhhhhhh, Jewish.

Andrew

What does that mean?

Priest

I'm just not surprised you're in here trying to get advice for free.

Andrew

Oh, okay... you wanna trade in stereotypes, old man? Well I bet you... I bet you have sex with little boys.

Priest

[Putting his head through the confessional hatch]

Old man? I'm thirty-two!

Andrew

Oh, big wow!

Priest

I bone down with grown ass women.

Andrew

Oh, who cares?!

Priest

Divorcees!

Andrew

You're disgusting.

Priest

You doubt me, man? I got a picture of panties right here.

[He pulls out his phone and begins scrolling]

Andrew

I'm outta here.

Priest

Hold on. Don't you go anywhere. It's from a couple of weeks ago. Hold on.

Andrew

I'm not waiting for the picture, I'm...

Priest

See that? Look at that and you tell me I fu*k little boys.

Andrew

Those are shorts.

Priest

These are shorts. Looking at it now I see that they're shorts.

Andrew

I can't believe I waited around for a fu*king priest to show me a pantie picture. I'm outta here.

Priest

You know what? If I did fu*k little boys, you wouldn't be one of 'em.

Andrew

Well, a lot of adult men would be attracted to me and this big can of mine.

Coach Steve has become a "friend with benefits" to Jay's mom. Coach Steve needs to gauge Jay's feelings about this. So he asks him. For a "friend".

Coach Steve

Hey, Jay. I need your advice on something.

Jay

Yeah, of course.

Coach Steve

Okay, I have this friend... who is me. Coach Steve. I'm the friend.

Jay

Okay.

Coach Steve

And there's this woman who... let's call her, I dunno... Jay's Mom because she's a woman who is your mom.

Jay

Okay.

Coach Steve

Anyway, Jay's mom who is your mom wants to have sex with my friend, Coach Steve who is me.

Jay

Holy sh*t!

Coach Steve

Anyway, how would you... Jay, feel if my friend... me, had sex with Jay's mom... your mom?

Jay

What the fu*k, Coach Steve? You want to have sex with my mom?

Coach Steve

Oh no, you figured it out! I guess you don't want your mom, Jay's mom to cheat on Jay's dad, your Dad.

Jay

No, no, it's not that. I mean my Dad fu*ks around all the time. He says that when you've been married for more than at least a year, it's weird if you don't.

Coach Steve

Oh, yeah. No, I've seen his commercials.

Jay

I guess I'm p*ssed because you're kinda like my friend and for some weird reason I don't want my friends to fu*k my mom?

The Shame Wizard is an a**hole. A prize-winning, unsurpassed, total and utter a**hole. He likes to make kids feel guilty about everything, Well, Maurice and Connie aren't going to let him. Not this time.

Andrew

My mom still has to help me put my pants on.

Shame Wizard

Ooh, and I bet you like that, don't you?

Maurice

No. That's not his thing. You keep pushing that and we're not into it.

Andrew

I don't have a mom pants thing.

Maurice

Just give the kid a night off.

Connie

Give all the kids a night off. Don't you have a hobby or something?

Shame Wizard

Well, as a matter of fact, I collect vintage Nazi dildos.

Maurice

This fu*king guy...

Connie

Of course you do.

Maurice

He figured out a way to ruin dildos.

Tyler

Nick, why are we talking about anything other than you touching Gina's boobies?

Nick

Oh, I... I don't know if I should tell them about that.

Tyler

WHAT?! It's awesome news.

The kids are having a sleepover in the Sports Hall to witness the Lunar Eclipse.

Teacher

Okay everyone, the lunar eclipse is at 11.08 tonight. In the mean-time, why don't you set up your sleeping bags?

Coach Steve

All right, boys on this side, girls on that side and of course, if you're a transformer, you can sleep wherever you want.

Jessi

Transformer?

[Turning to MATTHEW]

Come on, are you not going to call him out on that?

Matthew

I want to but I'm doing this thing where I'm trying to be nice like the yellow M&M in those commercials.

Jessi

Why?

Matthew

'Cos the green one seems like a little c*nt.

In an effort to make Missy feel better about herself, Andrew reveals the embarrassing truth about what happened at the school dance when they were cheek to cheek.

Andrew

Missy, I can't believe I'm going to tell you this but... when we danced together at the Fall dance?

Missy

A Night in Ancient Mesopotamia?

Andrew

Well, when we were dancing... I kinda came in my pants.

Missy

Oy yoy!

Andrew

Oh, God. I shouldn't have told you.

Missy

No... Andrew... it was so brave of you to share with me. And you know what? It actually does make me feel better.

Maurice

She's into it! Frost her.